Depression.

Most people don't know this, but I suffer from depression. Most of the time I can think myself out of it. Most of the time, I'm okay during the day. It really only hits me at night now. Which is a HUGE improvement compared to how I used to be.

Depression isn't a state of mind, and it IS NOT something I have done to myself. Do you honestly think that I want to be depressed? NO! I fucking hate it! I try and push it away as much as I can, but since I'm not medicated (I'll explain why in a bit.) I can't really control it. I can only avoid it. And even then, I can only push it away for so long before it catches up with me. When it catches up with me, I'm either out of sorts for a night, or even a full week. This time, I'm closer to a whole week.

I've been told that depression is just a state of mind, I've been told that it's just a mood, I even just got told that I do it to myself. You guys, seriously? It's a disease. It is a mental illness. Will you please look it the fuck up before you try and tell me shit you don't know about? State of minds don't last 8 years. Neither do bad moods. I don't want to have a mental illness, let alone multiple. But I do, and there's nothing I can do to change that short of medication.

I refuse to take medication. Anti-depressants are counter productive and make you MORE depressed. There have been studies that show that they actually make you suicidal. Considering that's what I want to be far away from, that doesn't seem like the best idea. Not to mention, I can't swallow pills.

For some reason, I have it in my head that medication is for crazy people. And if I succumb to the meds, I'll be admiting that I'm crazy. And I don't think I am. I have problems, sure. But I'm OKAY most of the time. I know how to handle myself. But when bad things happen in my life, they all happen at once.

Nightmares. That's what triggered it this time. I had nightmares about my stepdad and stepbrothers. They weren't nightmares in the typical sense, no one got murdered and I wasn't scared. But when I dream about them, I wake up crying. It doesn't matter what happens in the dream, if they're in it, that's all it takes. In fact, the happier the dream, the worse off I am when I wake up. Especially if it involves my former older brother, Trevor. I had this one dream with him last week, and he was here. We were sitting on the hood of my car at that cliff in De Luz that overlooks Temecula. It was just a really, really, really happy dream. We talked about everything, and laughed all the time. Just like how we used to be. When I woke up, I remembered he was gone, and we were never going to have memories like that again. After I cried myself back to sleep, I dreamed about my stepdad. When I woke up, my room smelled like him. I didn't sleep the rest of the night after that. The next night, I had a dream that Trevor and I were in the Hunger Games arena. And he didn't even flinch as he was pulling the trigger on his gun. I watched the bullet flying towards me and the smile on his face was the last thing I saw before I woke up. I didn't sleep after that either.

I've been having nightmares this whole week. A lot involve them, but quite a few other people have been featured as well. The other night, I had a dream about Kenzie. In real life, she's been back home for three weeks. Only one person has gone to see her since. So, in my dream, I was with her and Kayla and we were walking through this really crowded place. Kenzie kept trying to say hi to people, and she was being ignored. Kenz was how she was before the accident, but no one remembered her or even recognized her.  No one acknowledged her. But everyone in my dream was wearing the green 'Pray For Kenzie' bracelets. So it wasn't like she never existed, but they forgot she existed. This went on for quite a while, and then she finally started crying and was saying how upset she was that everyone forgot her. She was telling me how lonely her life is now, and how much it hurts to have everyone forget you. By the end of my dream, she was transforming back to how she currently is now, but before she did, she said "No one remembers me anyway, why keep trying?" I haven't woke up screaming or crying so hard in a really long time. People are moving on with their lives. Time is continuing. Each day that passes, we get farther and farther away from the time the accident happened. It's so close to a year, that I can't believe it. I think this dream hit so hard because it isn't just a nightmare. People really ARE forgetting her. . .

Adding on top of these nightmares, I've had a migraine, Kelsey and I aren't friends anymore, and people are just proving to be really flaky and unreliable.

It's really shitty, because when I'm happy, I have all kinds of people who talk to me. But when I truly need help just getting through the night, I'm alone. Completely alone.