How am I handling things?

The last month or so has been, to say the least, quite a roller coaster for me. July has never been a good month for me, and 2012 sure didn't differ. This month isn't even over yet and already it's sucked a pretty big one. So far, I've lost the support of my family in everything I do, my grandpa still hasn't said a word to me since days before I left for Montana, my grandma and I's relationship has changed, my mom's said a lot of shit that's really hurt me and truly damaged our relationship, I was in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce, I had to hear my brother straight refuse to see me, the anniversary of Kenzie's accident, I saw Kenzie for the first time, I learned the hard way who is and isn't a good friend, I came home to a family who really didn't give a fuck I was back, my car is breaking, and I hurt SeeJay.

So the question I've been getting asked is, how am I handling things? To this, I always say some variation of "I'm fine." That's a loaded question with a loaded answer. Truthfully, I don't know how I'm handling them, because I'm not letting myself feel. I am fine, but only because I'm suppressing everything. I know that if I let myself feel all the hurt and heartbreak, I will fall apart. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate being at the point where I fall apart. I avoid it at all costs. I know that bottling things up isn't healthy, but that's just what I do.

It used to be that my mom and grandparents were everything to me. I chose to hang out with them rather than to go out with my friends. Most of my friends don't even know my family's names, they're known as Mom, Granny and Gramps to everyone. My world revolved around my family. And to have them so quick to drop me, well, it sucks. At first, it was destroying me. I felt like my heart was being ripped out, and I would catch myself crying instantly anytime the thought of any of them popped into my head. But then one night after a particularly bad fight with my mom, I realized that if it's so easy for them to throw me away over something so absolutely stupid, then we obviously weren't the air tight family I thought we were. And then, I shut myself off. I went from being sad anytime I thought of them to now I'm just angry anytime I think of them. I used to be crippled with fear and guilt anytime I thought about moving across the street, and now I'm making plans to move across the country and I feel nothing but excitement.

Being in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce really enforced the fact that I'm not as okay with it as I pretend to be. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The town looks like I never left. I don't know what I was expecting, but I absolutely wasn't expecting it to be that much the same. I see all the places in town that we went as a family or that my brother and I have a memory at - and in a town that small, I have memories just about everywhere. I kept expecting to see my stepdad or brothers, and when I finally did see my older brothers truck, I felt my heart break. I went to pick up my friend Devin from his house, and Trevor was at Devin's house. Devin asked him if he would come out and talk to me for just five minutes so I could get some answers and move on with my life. I heard Trevor refuse. That knocked the wind outta me. I felt like I got hit in the chest with a brick. Holding myself together right then was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He wouldn't come outside when I picked up Devin, but his truck was in the driveway. He was on the other side of the wall from me, and he wouldn't come outside to see me. It's a lot easier to pretend you're okay with him not being in your life when you're 1300 miles away. Being so close. . . well, that put me right back where I started on healing my broken heart.

Seeing Kenzie in person is SO much harder than on Facebook. The last year hasn't prepared me for how hard it really was. It didn't prepare me at all. Being around Kenzie and having her not laughing or talking about some random thing, not rapping Lil Wayne, not nagging me to join FFA, not smiling with all her teeth showing. . . it's not right. I knew that it was going to be like that. I wasn't expecting her to be doing these things. But I also wasn't expecting her to be so quiet and so still. I didn't handle it well. I didn't see her as much as I should've, and I will always regret that. I'm not going to make excuses for myself like everyone else has, but I will see her more when I move back.

I lost a few friends, but the only ones that it really sucked to lose was Kayla and Sammypants. With Kayla, that was entirely my fault, but I don't feel like it's a permanent thing. Just for now during the pissed-off-cool-down period. But Sam? That one really sucked. I always thought Sam to be one of the better people in my life. One of the people I could trust. One of the people who genuinely cared about me. And then to hear the things he said about me, that really was shitty. It actually made me cry to hear that someone who I considered so close thought of me that way. When I tried to ask him about it, he ignored me. So, it's pretty obvious that I was the only one who cared about that friendship, and that's always a shitty thing to realize.

With Seejay and I, you can all quit with your assumptions. Nothing "happened". He's still one of my best friends ever. I'm just not at an emotional level that I can handle a relationship right now. He deserves the best, and right now I don't feel that I'm the best for him. Maybe we'll find our way back to one another in the future, maybe we won't. I'm done trying to predict my future, and I'm done making promises. Right now we're best friends, and we're just going with the flow. If you guys could PLEASE respect that, I would really appreciate it. I don't want to be asked what happened, I don't want people to jump to conclusions, I don't want to hear any negativity about him, and no more "You guys were so perfect, get back together!". I don't know what the future holds for us, and I'm not going to force anything. I need to focus on myself and put my life back together before I can even think about a relationship.

Now, it hasn't been all negative. There's a lot of people who've been really fantastic to me.

Shannen Tarlton; I completely misjudged this girl when I first met her. I'm so happy that we got past all of the crap between us in the beginning, because Shanannananananen is one of the best friends ever. The heart to hearts we have always make me feel soooo much better. I feel comfortable telling her things I've never told anyone else, and I know she doesn't judge me. She's a great person, and I'm so happy to call her my best friend and soon to be roommate.<3

Eddie Damschen; I just met him about a week ago at a bonfire in Lewistown. I was in a really crappy mood when I first got there, and then I met Eddie. Throughout the night, he made me laugh, smile, and gave me a bunch of random hugs. He was totally wasted, so there was no way he could've known how much those hugs meant to me, but they changed my whole night around. He showed me that sometimes strangers care more than family, and he's been nothing but fantastic to me. I'm so happy I met him and have him in my life now. :)

Chance Whisler & Cody Fassbender; Neither of you will ever know how much the heart to hearts we had meant to me. Thank you guys for being the best.


This is going to be the last of the negativity. Any hardships I come across with any of the stuff I talked about, I will deal with on my own. I'm not going to let myself hurt anymore. I'm going to smile. I'm going to work my ass off in school and get straight A's. I'm going to work my ass off and save up all my money and take my ass to Missoula as soon as the snow melts. This is the last I'm letting other people control my life and my emotions. I'm taking control now. Family, friends, strangers; you can be supportive or you can be gone. I won't be keeping anyone in my life if they don't deserve to be in it. I'm stronger than this. I deserve better than this. And I WILL make damn sure my life changes direction now. I spent far too long living for everyone else. Now, I'm living for me.

Changed.

This trip has changed my life in so many ways. To the outside eye, it's for the worse. But to me, it's for the best. I've learned who sticks by my side and who doesn't, and I'm incredibly shocked by some of the results.

Firstly, my grandparents, but mainly Gramps. It's now been three weeks since they've said a word to me, or even tried to speak to me. Apparently they are truly THAT butthurt about this trip. And frankly, I don't understand why. They say it's because they're worried about me. But that doesn't make sense to me. If they were so worried about anything happening to me, you'd think they would want to talk to me a whole bunch and make sure I knew they loved me in case I were to die. Maybe I do things backwards, but if I think a family member or a friend is going to be in a situation where they could potentially get hurt and or die, I would make sure I told them I loved them so many times they were yelling at me to shut up. I wouldn't by any means ignore them, make them feel like shit, or cut them out of my lives. But apparently, that's the way they do things.

Then there's my Mom. Not only is she making me feel like shit on her own accord, but also for my grandparents. Apparently she doesn't feel that I feel shitty enough thanks to them, but she's gonna go ahead and make everything worse. A  few days ago, she basically told me she was doing fine without me and is getting used to living alone. Hearing that kinda sucked, but after everything with my grandparents, I was kinda numb. And then there was last night. Last night, for some reason she brought up me wanting to move to Missoula a YEAR from now. She started to make a big deal out of it, and I was like "stop making such a big deal, this isn't even relevant right now." and yet she continued. Eventually she was back to blaming me for the divorce, because it's apparently MY fucking fault that Travis is an asshole. She pulled the whole "I've lost my husband and my sons, and now I'm losing my daughter too!" crap. Because apparently me going off to college and still planning to keep her in my life is equivalent to divorcing and disowning her. . . yeah, because that makes fucking sense. When we lived in Montana, I told her that if we went home, we'd be fine. We'd be okay without Travis, and we'd be happy. Every single time anything goes wrong, my mom throws that in my face. Including last night. She claims we're not okay, we're not better off, and we're not happy. Her logic is that it's harder to pay bills now. Yes, it's harder to pay the bills. But we're not being fucking emotionally abused and having to walk on eggshells every second. Like I said in a previous post, I'd rather struggle with money than live through all of that again. Mom apparently doesn't see it that way. She sees it that we're not okay, and we never will be again. We argued about that a bit, and I told her so many times that she needed to knock her shit off, because she was being really immature and it wasn't going to solve anything because I've already made up my mind to go to Missoula. She continued to lose her shit, and eventually told me that she wanted to just sell my car and send me the money so I didn't have to come home. I would go for this, except I would only get MAYBE 6 grand out of it, and I can't get an apartment and a new car and support myself until I could get a job up here off only 6k That's unfortunately not feesable. Not to mention I'd have to move my furniture across the country, and that's pretty fucking expensive. The conversation ended with her telling me that I better hope that shit doesn't fail while I'm in Missoula, because she'll be moving to a one bedroom and she won't have a place for me if I need to come back.

My mom says all this shit now when she's mad, but when she calms down, I know she's going to pretend that none of these conversations happened, or she's going to ridicule me for having my feelings hurt still. She's going to chalk it up to all of this being my fault, and I'm being an overdramatic, irresponsible teenager who knows nothing about the real world. That's how it always ends up. But there are some things that can't be forgotten. All of this is a perfect example. The things she said are irreversible. The things she said can't be fixed with a sorry and some ice cream. This has put a rather large wedge in our relationship, and it's beyond repair. I don't really know how I feel about it all, I haven't really been letting myself feel for very long. As soon as I get off the phone with her, I pull myself together and suppress it. I'll deal with it when I get back to California.

It's pretty bad when your friends are better to you than your own family, but it is what it is. I don't really know how I'm going to make this move work, but it's something I want to do. I want to be independent. I want to go off to college and experience college-y things. I don't want to stay in Fallbrook and waste away the rest of my life like everyone else in that town. I don't have a future there.

People in Fallbrook generally don't do much with their lives. It's a party town. That's all anyone does there. Over half the people I know won't ever leave, and won't ever get off drugs. I want a better life than anything I'll have there. Missoula is a chance for me to start fresh. And that's exactly what I need.

So, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start fresh, in a new town surrounded by new people. I will make this work. Somehow, some way, I will. The more you tell me I can't, the more I want to prove you all wrong.

But I guess that's growing up.

So, this trip has been really eye opening.

Firstly, my real dad is from this town here in Montana called Missoula. Growing up, my mom always told me how much she hated it and how much it sucked. I'd never been there, so I just kinda took her word for it. When I flew into Montana, I came back with Shannen. Her ticket was to fly into Missoula, and so I flew into Missoula as well. Well basically, it isn't the shit hole my mom made it out to sound. In fact, it isn't at all. It's amazing. I completely fell in love with the town, and the college. So, I decided I want to move there. The fall semester that's about to start is already paid for in California, and that semester ends in December. Moving in the middle of a blizzard is never a good idea. And there's almost always a blizzard in Montana in December... plus, I doubt I could move away from my family around Christmas. So, the snow melts around March-April. So, around then, I'm moving there. My mom isn't too fond of the idea, but whatever. I don't know how the rest of my family feels about it, because none of them are fucking speaking to me. Which leads to my second point.

Secondly, I learned that when my family says things like "We'll always be here for you" and "We'll always support whatever makes you happy" and "Other people will come and go, but you'll always have your family", anytime they said those things, they clearly lied to me. Ever since Kenzie's accident in July of 2011, I told them I wanted to come see her. I've been talking about it for a YEAR. Two weeks ago, my best friend Rachel bought me plane tickets to come to Montana to be at the fundraiser for Kenzie. My grandparents took that personally for some fucking reason and lost their shit. Gramps has completely refused to speak to me for two weeks. Granny won't either. My mom can't make up her mind how she feels about it, I guess. She goes back and forth from being pissed off to being fine. I don't know where she stands. So basically, coming here ruined my relationship with my family. Why? I don't even know. It doesn't make sense at all.

They think that my ex-stepdad is going to start shit with me. But what they don't seem to realize is, Travis doesn't care about me. He has NEVER cared about me, not when he was dating my mom, not when he was married to her, not when they were divorcing, and definitely not now that the divorce is final. He's not going to do anything. Trevor isn't going to do anything. No one is going to do shit to me. I'm probably safer in Montana than I am in California. But they're "soooooo worried" about things happening to me, that they don't fucking consider that if anything DOES happen to me while I'm here, I'm going to die on bad terms with my family. They're going to forever have that on their conscience. My grandpa's last words to me were "I don't fucking know, figure it out your fucking self and get the fuck out of here." Over two weeks ago, when I asked a question about the printer. My grandma's was something about her telling me she's sending the money. And them treating me this way is MY fault. I'm the one in the wrong, always. "If I hadn't of left, they wouldn't have had to behave like this." Uhhhhh, excuse me? No. Why does me going on vacation justify them treating me like shit? It doesn't. But yet, I'M the immature one. I'M the one in the wrong. I'M the bad person. I'M the one fucking up our relationship. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY.

Last night, when I was being guilt tripped by Mom, she told me that if I want a relationship with my grandparents when I get back, that I need to go over there and I need to fix things with them. NO. I'm sorry that doing something that makes me happy is causing such a ruckuss in their lives, but I'M not the one who's refusing to speak to THEM. If they want a relationship with me, THEY can talk to me. And then I said something about moving, and my mom started to guilt trip me, and I was like "See? This is why I'm never gonna be able to move out and do anything with my life, because you guys are always going to guilt trip me until I cave to what you want me to do." And my mom said the magic words, "You're an adult, you leave state if you want to leave state." Little did she realize, her guilt trip attempt PROVED MY GODDAMN POINT THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PROVE TO HER FOR TWO WEEKS. She denies that it does, but you can't argue the simple fact that IT DOES. They're pissed I left the state. Yeah? Well, that's exactly my point. I'm an adult and I can leave state if I want to leave state. Mom proved my point, and refuses to acknowledge that she did.

Thirdly, this helped me realize how little I have holding me back in California. Which is sorta how I came to point one. When I moved to Montana the first time, I thought I was living in the perfect place. I thought I had the best friends and the best family, so making me move was torture. After I moved to Montana, they started dropping off. Slowly but surely, my California friends dropped out of my life one by one. After I moved, moved back, got off drugs, etc, I'm left with three friends in Fallbrook. Kelson, Rachel and Katie. Now, it's going to suck being away from them, don't get me wrong. But they can easily come see me at anytime. In fact, according to how the plan is now, Kelson's going to move to Missoula as well. Provided that him and Shannen can fix their relationship problems, that is. However, if they don't, Kelson can still join the rankings of Rachel and Katie and fly out to see me as often as they want.

As for Levi and SeeJay, who live driving distance away but not in Fallbrook. . . Leaving Levi again is going to kill. I'd take him with me in a heartbeat. But he would never live in Montana. (Trust me, I've tried.) But, same as Katie, Kelson and Rachel, he can fly out whenever he wants to. Not to mention, I can fly out to see them also. As it is now, I only see him about 3-4 times a year. So truthfully, it won't be too different. And SeeJay? He's coming with me. We've already decided this, actually three years ago we'd had plans to go to Montana State University together, but we were going to go to the Bozeman location. The only thing we're changing is which location. So yes, Seejay and I will stay together, and I'm taking him with me.

As for any of the rest of you who want to complain that you'll "miss me so much", and "what about me? :(" Because anytime I point out anything about there being a superior few people in my life, I always have random people who don't EVER talk to me try and ask what about them. Well, what about you? I don't want to hear anyone claim that they miss me after I leave unless they make an effort to hang out with me while I'm still around. And since none of you who aren't mentioned do that, I don't want to hear "I'll miss you so much." If you can't hang out with me while I'm in town, you can't miss me when I'm gone.

When I say I don't have anything in California, I'm not saying it in a depressing way. I don't want your sympathy, and I don't want to be bombarded by texts saying "You've got me!" Because frankly, I don't. I'm not stupid. I know who my friends are, I know who cares, I know who doesn't, I know what I've got and what I don't have. And yes, I've got very little in California, but the people I do have are fantastic and it is going to suck leaving them. Sure, other people randomly text me. But I could easily live 1300 miles away from all the unnamed people, and it wouldn't make a damn bit of a difference. It's not like we'd hang out any less.