But I guess that's growing up.

So, this trip has been really eye opening.

Firstly, my real dad is from this town here in Montana called Missoula. Growing up, my mom always told me how much she hated it and how much it sucked. I'd never been there, so I just kinda took her word for it. When I flew into Montana, I came back with Shannen. Her ticket was to fly into Missoula, and so I flew into Missoula as well. Well basically, it isn't the shit hole my mom made it out to sound. In fact, it isn't at all. It's amazing. I completely fell in love with the town, and the college. So, I decided I want to move there. The fall semester that's about to start is already paid for in California, and that semester ends in December. Moving in the middle of a blizzard is never a good idea. And there's almost always a blizzard in Montana in December... plus, I doubt I could move away from my family around Christmas. So, the snow melts around March-April. So, around then, I'm moving there. My mom isn't too fond of the idea, but whatever. I don't know how the rest of my family feels about it, because none of them are fucking speaking to me. Which leads to my second point.

Secondly, I learned that when my family says things like "We'll always be here for you" and "We'll always support whatever makes you happy" and "Other people will come and go, but you'll always have your family", anytime they said those things, they clearly lied to me. Ever since Kenzie's accident in July of 2011, I told them I wanted to come see her. I've been talking about it for a YEAR. Two weeks ago, my best friend Rachel bought me plane tickets to come to Montana to be at the fundraiser for Kenzie. My grandparents took that personally for some fucking reason and lost their shit. Gramps has completely refused to speak to me for two weeks. Granny won't either. My mom can't make up her mind how she feels about it, I guess. She goes back and forth from being pissed off to being fine. I don't know where she stands. So basically, coming here ruined my relationship with my family. Why? I don't even know. It doesn't make sense at all.

They think that my ex-stepdad is going to start shit with me. But what they don't seem to realize is, Travis doesn't care about me. He has NEVER cared about me, not when he was dating my mom, not when he was married to her, not when they were divorcing, and definitely not now that the divorce is final. He's not going to do anything. Trevor isn't going to do anything. No one is going to do shit to me. I'm probably safer in Montana than I am in California. But they're "soooooo worried" about things happening to me, that they don't fucking consider that if anything DOES happen to me while I'm here, I'm going to die on bad terms with my family. They're going to forever have that on their conscience. My grandpa's last words to me were "I don't fucking know, figure it out your fucking self and get the fuck out of here." Over two weeks ago, when I asked a question about the printer. My grandma's was something about her telling me she's sending the money. And them treating me this way is MY fault. I'm the one in the wrong, always. "If I hadn't of left, they wouldn't have had to behave like this." Uhhhhh, excuse me? No. Why does me going on vacation justify them treating me like shit? It doesn't. But yet, I'M the immature one. I'M the one in the wrong. I'M the bad person. I'M the one fucking up our relationship. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY.

Last night, when I was being guilt tripped by Mom, she told me that if I want a relationship with my grandparents when I get back, that I need to go over there and I need to fix things with them. NO. I'm sorry that doing something that makes me happy is causing such a ruckuss in their lives, but I'M not the one who's refusing to speak to THEM. If they want a relationship with me, THEY can talk to me. And then I said something about moving, and my mom started to guilt trip me, and I was like "See? This is why I'm never gonna be able to move out and do anything with my life, because you guys are always going to guilt trip me until I cave to what you want me to do." And my mom said the magic words, "You're an adult, you leave state if you want to leave state." Little did she realize, her guilt trip attempt PROVED MY GODDAMN POINT THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PROVE TO HER FOR TWO WEEKS. She denies that it does, but you can't argue the simple fact that IT DOES. They're pissed I left the state. Yeah? Well, that's exactly my point. I'm an adult and I can leave state if I want to leave state. Mom proved my point, and refuses to acknowledge that she did.

Thirdly, this helped me realize how little I have holding me back in California. Which is sorta how I came to point one. When I moved to Montana the first time, I thought I was living in the perfect place. I thought I had the best friends and the best family, so making me move was torture. After I moved to Montana, they started dropping off. Slowly but surely, my California friends dropped out of my life one by one. After I moved, moved back, got off drugs, etc, I'm left with three friends in Fallbrook. Kelson, Rachel and Katie. Now, it's going to suck being away from them, don't get me wrong. But they can easily come see me at anytime. In fact, according to how the plan is now, Kelson's going to move to Missoula as well. Provided that him and Shannen can fix their relationship problems, that is. However, if they don't, Kelson can still join the rankings of Rachel and Katie and fly out to see me as often as they want.

As for Levi and SeeJay, who live driving distance away but not in Fallbrook. . . Leaving Levi again is going to kill. I'd take him with me in a heartbeat. But he would never live in Montana. (Trust me, I've tried.) But, same as Katie, Kelson and Rachel, he can fly out whenever he wants to. Not to mention, I can fly out to see them also. As it is now, I only see him about 3-4 times a year. So truthfully, it won't be too different. And SeeJay? He's coming with me. We've already decided this, actually three years ago we'd had plans to go to Montana State University together, but we were going to go to the Bozeman location. The only thing we're changing is which location. So yes, Seejay and I will stay together, and I'm taking him with me.

As for any of the rest of you who want to complain that you'll "miss me so much", and "what about me? :(" Because anytime I point out anything about there being a superior few people in my life, I always have random people who don't EVER talk to me try and ask what about them. Well, what about you? I don't want to hear anyone claim that they miss me after I leave unless they make an effort to hang out with me while I'm still around. And since none of you who aren't mentioned do that, I don't want to hear "I'll miss you so much." If you can't hang out with me while I'm in town, you can't miss me when I'm gone.

When I say I don't have anything in California, I'm not saying it in a depressing way. I don't want your sympathy, and I don't want to be bombarded by texts saying "You've got me!" Because frankly, I don't. I'm not stupid. I know who my friends are, I know who cares, I know who doesn't, I know what I've got and what I don't have. And yes, I've got very little in California, but the people I do have are fantastic and it is going to suck leaving them. Sure, other people randomly text me. But I could easily live 1300 miles away from all the unnamed people, and it wouldn't make a damn bit of a difference. It's not like we'd hang out any less.