How am I handling things?

The last month or so has been, to say the least, quite a roller coaster for me. July has never been a good month for me, and 2012 sure didn't differ. This month isn't even over yet and already it's sucked a pretty big one. So far, I've lost the support of my family in everything I do, my grandpa still hasn't said a word to me since days before I left for Montana, my grandma and I's relationship has changed, my mom's said a lot of shit that's really hurt me and truly damaged our relationship, I was in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce, I had to hear my brother straight refuse to see me, the anniversary of Kenzie's accident, I saw Kenzie for the first time, I learned the hard way who is and isn't a good friend, I came home to a family who really didn't give a fuck I was back, my car is breaking, and I hurt SeeJay.

So the question I've been getting asked is, how am I handling things? To this, I always say some variation of "I'm fine." That's a loaded question with a loaded answer. Truthfully, I don't know how I'm handling them, because I'm not letting myself feel. I am fine, but only because I'm suppressing everything. I know that if I let myself feel all the hurt and heartbreak, I will fall apart. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate being at the point where I fall apart. I avoid it at all costs. I know that bottling things up isn't healthy, but that's just what I do.

It used to be that my mom and grandparents were everything to me. I chose to hang out with them rather than to go out with my friends. Most of my friends don't even know my family's names, they're known as Mom, Granny and Gramps to everyone. My world revolved around my family. And to have them so quick to drop me, well, it sucks. At first, it was destroying me. I felt like my heart was being ripped out, and I would catch myself crying instantly anytime the thought of any of them popped into my head. But then one night after a particularly bad fight with my mom, I realized that if it's so easy for them to throw me away over something so absolutely stupid, then we obviously weren't the air tight family I thought we were. And then, I shut myself off. I went from being sad anytime I thought of them to now I'm just angry anytime I think of them. I used to be crippled with fear and guilt anytime I thought about moving across the street, and now I'm making plans to move across the country and I feel nothing but excitement.

Being in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce really enforced the fact that I'm not as okay with it as I pretend to be. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The town looks like I never left. I don't know what I was expecting, but I absolutely wasn't expecting it to be that much the same. I see all the places in town that we went as a family or that my brother and I have a memory at - and in a town that small, I have memories just about everywhere. I kept expecting to see my stepdad or brothers, and when I finally did see my older brothers truck, I felt my heart break. I went to pick up my friend Devin from his house, and Trevor was at Devin's house. Devin asked him if he would come out and talk to me for just five minutes so I could get some answers and move on with my life. I heard Trevor refuse. That knocked the wind outta me. I felt like I got hit in the chest with a brick. Holding myself together right then was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He wouldn't come outside when I picked up Devin, but his truck was in the driveway. He was on the other side of the wall from me, and he wouldn't come outside to see me. It's a lot easier to pretend you're okay with him not being in your life when you're 1300 miles away. Being so close. . . well, that put me right back where I started on healing my broken heart.

Seeing Kenzie in person is SO much harder than on Facebook. The last year hasn't prepared me for how hard it really was. It didn't prepare me at all. Being around Kenzie and having her not laughing or talking about some random thing, not rapping Lil Wayne, not nagging me to join FFA, not smiling with all her teeth showing. . . it's not right. I knew that it was going to be like that. I wasn't expecting her to be doing these things. But I also wasn't expecting her to be so quiet and so still. I didn't handle it well. I didn't see her as much as I should've, and I will always regret that. I'm not going to make excuses for myself like everyone else has, but I will see her more when I move back.

I lost a few friends, but the only ones that it really sucked to lose was Kayla and Sammypants. With Kayla, that was entirely my fault, but I don't feel like it's a permanent thing. Just for now during the pissed-off-cool-down period. But Sam? That one really sucked. I always thought Sam to be one of the better people in my life. One of the people I could trust. One of the people who genuinely cared about me. And then to hear the things he said about me, that really was shitty. It actually made me cry to hear that someone who I considered so close thought of me that way. When I tried to ask him about it, he ignored me. So, it's pretty obvious that I was the only one who cared about that friendship, and that's always a shitty thing to realize.

With Seejay and I, you can all quit with your assumptions. Nothing "happened". He's still one of my best friends ever. I'm just not at an emotional level that I can handle a relationship right now. He deserves the best, and right now I don't feel that I'm the best for him. Maybe we'll find our way back to one another in the future, maybe we won't. I'm done trying to predict my future, and I'm done making promises. Right now we're best friends, and we're just going with the flow. If you guys could PLEASE respect that, I would really appreciate it. I don't want to be asked what happened, I don't want people to jump to conclusions, I don't want to hear any negativity about him, and no more "You guys were so perfect, get back together!". I don't know what the future holds for us, and I'm not going to force anything. I need to focus on myself and put my life back together before I can even think about a relationship.

Now, it hasn't been all negative. There's a lot of people who've been really fantastic to me.

Shannen Tarlton; I completely misjudged this girl when I first met her. I'm so happy that we got past all of the crap between us in the beginning, because Shanannananananen is one of the best friends ever. The heart to hearts we have always make me feel soooo much better. I feel comfortable telling her things I've never told anyone else, and I know she doesn't judge me. She's a great person, and I'm so happy to call her my best friend and soon to be roommate.<3

Eddie Damschen; I just met him about a week ago at a bonfire in Lewistown. I was in a really crappy mood when I first got there, and then I met Eddie. Throughout the night, he made me laugh, smile, and gave me a bunch of random hugs. He was totally wasted, so there was no way he could've known how much those hugs meant to me, but they changed my whole night around. He showed me that sometimes strangers care more than family, and he's been nothing but fantastic to me. I'm so happy I met him and have him in my life now. :)

Chance Whisler & Cody Fassbender; Neither of you will ever know how much the heart to hearts we had meant to me. Thank you guys for being the best.


This is going to be the last of the negativity. Any hardships I come across with any of the stuff I talked about, I will deal with on my own. I'm not going to let myself hurt anymore. I'm going to smile. I'm going to work my ass off in school and get straight A's. I'm going to work my ass off and save up all my money and take my ass to Missoula as soon as the snow melts. This is the last I'm letting other people control my life and my emotions. I'm taking control now. Family, friends, strangers; you can be supportive or you can be gone. I won't be keeping anyone in my life if they don't deserve to be in it. I'm stronger than this. I deserve better than this. And I WILL make damn sure my life changes direction now. I spent far too long living for everyone else. Now, I'm living for me.