Some things that need addressing.

You know what drives me fucking insane? Quite a few things. Here's some shit that needs to be addressed to the public.

When people ask if I'm high. I don't know if you've noticed the tattoo on my collarbone, but that was done in celebration of my sobriety. My sobriety that I worked my fucking ass off for. That tattoo means a hell of a lot more to me than just some ink in my skin. It's a symbol of the struggle I had to go through to get here. I may have made it look easy, but it truly wasn't at first. Sure, I wasn't physically addicted to the drugs I did, so there was no physical withdrawals. But psychological addiction is just as bad my friends.

Most of you weren't there for the depression. Most of you didn't help me when I was overdosing. Most of you bailed after I got busted, and flat pretended I didn't FUCKING EXIST. Most of the people I'm surrounded by in Fallbrook are a bunch of fake ass CUNTS. people want to tell me I wasn't addicted that bad, so I shouldn't be so proud? No, FUCK YOU.

You weren't there in the beginning when I started popping pills. But yep, there you were, my "best friend" when I had some. As soon as the pills were gone, so were all of my "friends".

But you know who stuck by my side throughout EVERYHING? Rachel Elizabeth Clinefelter. She was there before the drugs. She was there while I was on drugs, and though I pushed her away and was a fucking cunt to her, she still loved me. She was there HELPING me - not sitting back watching and telling me to "just calm down" - when I was overdosing. She was there when I first got busted. She was there through all the depression and the random crying and the night terrors after. She was there for every day I've spent drug free. She was there on my one year sober. And when she tells me she's proud of me, I know she honestly means it.

No one EVER fucking tell me she isn't a good friend because of some silly fights we had in our past. Let's be honest, we were stupid, immature, 15 year old girls. Fighting over boys is what stupid, immature, 15 year old girls do. She was a bitch, I was a bitch. I was a nasty cunt, she was a nasty cunt. We both said things we regretted. And we've both moved on with our lifes. I may not have known her my whole life, but I truly did grow up with her. Rachels my best friend. And if you have a problem with that, I don't give a single fuck. Because not a one of you has been there for me like she has. And don't any of you dare say you have.

My sobriety may not be a big deal to you. And maybe you aren't proud of me. Cool. You're not a significant person in my life. In fact, I've been doing absolutely FANTASTIC ever since I quit you and your silly drama nonsense and lies. Trying to bring me down is sweet of you, really. I'm truly flattered that your life is so painstakingly fucking lame that you have to obsess over the things I do in my life. I'm flattered that even you are aware how much better than you I am. But it's also a little weird. Get a hobby. I hear knitting is all the rage.

Another thing that pisses me off is when ex boyfriends or exhookups brag about things they've done with me in public. I mean brag in public, but I can't think of a better way to word that at 3am. Suck it up.

I don't know why you think it has to be brought up. To be completely honest here, we all make our mistakes. And if I didn't consider you a mistake, you wouldn't be an EX anything. I would still be with you.

I also hate when people take my business and make it public. I do not know why the FUCK any of you thought my life was YOUR business, but let me clear something up for all of you. IT FUCKING ISN'T. IT NEVER WAS AND IT NEVER FUCKING WILL BE. Unless I so choose to involve you, stay the FUCK out of my business.

Brandon, you especially. You're a bullshit excuse for family. Pretend to be all fucking protective and shit and then turn around and stab me in the back the minute you think some random bitch is going to put out. FUCK YOU. Family doesn't do that to each other. So you're not my fucking family anymore. Consider yourself entirely disowned. You're now just someone I used to know. Like I said before, we all make our mistakes. And trusting you and considering you a cousin and a friend was clearly one of mine. Never trust a tweaker.

To the people of Fallbrook who claimed to "miss me OH SO MUCH" while I was in Montana; where did you all go once I moved back?
To the people of Lewistown who claim to miss me now; maybe some of you don't remember the way you treated me while I was there, but I do.
People almost never appreciate you while they have you, it takes you going away for them to realize you mattered.

For those of you who don't know or didn't know me through this time, from 2009 - 2011 I was on again off again engaged to a boy named Chris. Most of you don't know a damn thing about our relationship, other than that he broke my heart. So anytime his name is mentioned, I hear the same old, "he was an asshole anyway!"

No, he wasn't. Christopher James Portelli has always been one of the kindest, most caring people I have ever known. He was not the asshole in our relationship. I was. Sure, we fought a lot. But I started most of those fights. I didn't know how to just fucking be happy. I was scared. I wasn't ready for the risks of forever. I was watching my parents relationship fall apart for half of my relationship with him, and the other half was cleaning up the destruction my stepdad left when him and my mom split. I was scared Chris would do that to me. He had the power to make or break me.

But in the end, I ruined everything. I wont tolerate people calling him an asshole, because none of this was his fault. It was all mine. I loved Chris more than anything. I still love the memory of Chris. I don't know him now, we haven't really talked in a year or so. Of course I miss him. But he's started a new life now. He's happy. And I absolutely will not mess that up for him. No matter how much I miss him, I know he deserves only the best. And I'm not the best for him. And that's the last I'm going to say on that matter.


Goodnight.