I thought I knew lonely...

There haven't been a whole lot of people in my life who've had the ability to break my heart. Yes, multiple people have been able to hurt my feelings. But a true heartbreak is something only certain people have ever been able to do. 

Anyone who is a habitual reader knows that I have problems letting go of my brother. He taught me the real definition of lonely. The divorce took it's toll on me. Losing my whole family broke my heart much more than I'll ever show, unless you're Rachel. The breakups with Chris and Kalyb really took their toll. Jacc breaking his pinky promise twice really hurt.

But tonight, I realized that I don't have Levi anymore. I mean sure, we're friends. He's always going to be my best friend. But it isn't the same. He's been my everything since I was five. My world has revolved around him since the first grade. Everyone who knows me knows how important Levi has always been to me. Everyone knows how defensive I get when someone even looks at him wrong. That kid is my whole reason for being alive so long. 

This weekend, a lot of things opened my eyes. I realized that I don't know him anymore. We're not really part of each others lives anymore. He doesn't know anything about my life. We've drifted sooooo far apart I think it's too far. I think we have hit the point of no return. 

It's been a slow progression the last year. I've tried to pretend it wasn't happening. That's what I do in crisis situations. I pretend it isn't happening. Maybe that didn't help. Maybe that's part of why we're so fucked up right now. Maybe this is all my fault. In fact, it probably is. Slowly, day by day, we got further and further apart. And neither of us did anything to fix it. Maybe it's both our faults, but I tend to take blame for him, so in my eyes it's entirely my fault.

I let the most important thing in my life slip through the cracks. And I'm afriad it's so far gone that I can't fix it. 

I don't know what to do. I'm forgetting how to breathe. I'm sitting in his house, and I've never felt further from him. . . I can honestly feel my heart breaking. I know, I know. It's not physically breaking. But it sure as fuck feels like it. 

I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird, because how the hell do you forget to do that? I don't know. I just know it's happening. I'll be like, "Damn my chest hurts." Then realize I've been holding my breath. . .

I've never felt so alone in all my life. Not when I lost my brother, either time. Not when I lost just about all my friends when I got sober. Not when I moved to Montana and didn't know anyone. Not through the divorce. Never, never, never.

I don't know what to do. The logical thing would be learn to live without him. . . But I don't want to. I want to fix things. I just don't know how. . .