SHT.

You ever have a huge fight with someone, think you're doing just fine, then see their name on Facebook and realize you're really not alright without them. And that makes you sad, and they aren't there to tell them you're sad? Yeah. It sucks. But that's growing up, I guess. 'Cause I know I'm the only one who misses what used to be.

Depression.

Most people don't know this, but I suffer from depression. Most of the time I can think myself out of it. Most of the time, I'm okay during the day. It really only hits me at night now. Which is a HUGE improvement compared to how I used to be.

Depression isn't a state of mind, and it IS NOT something I have done to myself. Do you honestly think that I want to be depressed? NO! I fucking hate it! I try and push it away as much as I can, but since I'm not medicated (I'll explain why in a bit.) I can't really control it. I can only avoid it. And even then, I can only push it away for so long before it catches up with me. When it catches up with me, I'm either out of sorts for a night, or even a full week. This time, I'm closer to a whole week.

I've been told that depression is just a state of mind, I've been told that it's just a mood, I even just got told that I do it to myself. You guys, seriously? It's a disease. It is a mental illness. Will you please look it the fuck up before you try and tell me shit you don't know about? State of minds don't last 8 years. Neither do bad moods. I don't want to have a mental illness, let alone multiple. But I do, and there's nothing I can do to change that short of medication.

I refuse to take medication. Anti-depressants are counter productive and make you MORE depressed. There have been studies that show that they actually make you suicidal. Considering that's what I want to be far away from, that doesn't seem like the best idea. Not to mention, I can't swallow pills.

For some reason, I have it in my head that medication is for crazy people. And if I succumb to the meds, I'll be admiting that I'm crazy. And I don't think I am. I have problems, sure. But I'm OKAY most of the time. I know how to handle myself. But when bad things happen in my life, they all happen at once.

Nightmares. That's what triggered it this time. I had nightmares about my stepdad and stepbrothers. They weren't nightmares in the typical sense, no one got murdered and I wasn't scared. But when I dream about them, I wake up crying. It doesn't matter what happens in the dream, if they're in it, that's all it takes. In fact, the happier the dream, the worse off I am when I wake up. Especially if it involves my former older brother, Trevor. I had this one dream with him last week, and he was here. We were sitting on the hood of my car at that cliff in De Luz that overlooks Temecula. It was just a really, really, really happy dream. We talked about everything, and laughed all the time. Just like how we used to be. When I woke up, I remembered he was gone, and we were never going to have memories like that again. After I cried myself back to sleep, I dreamed about my stepdad. When I woke up, my room smelled like him. I didn't sleep the rest of the night after that. The next night, I had a dream that Trevor and I were in the Hunger Games arena. And he didn't even flinch as he was pulling the trigger on his gun. I watched the bullet flying towards me and the smile on his face was the last thing I saw before I woke up. I didn't sleep after that either.

I've been having nightmares this whole week. A lot involve them, but quite a few other people have been featured as well. The other night, I had a dream about Kenzie. In real life, she's been back home for three weeks. Only one person has gone to see her since. So, in my dream, I was with her and Kayla and we were walking through this really crowded place. Kenzie kept trying to say hi to people, and she was being ignored. Kenz was how she was before the accident, but no one remembered her or even recognized her.  No one acknowledged her. But everyone in my dream was wearing the green 'Pray For Kenzie' bracelets. So it wasn't like she never existed, but they forgot she existed. This went on for quite a while, and then she finally started crying and was saying how upset she was that everyone forgot her. She was telling me how lonely her life is now, and how much it hurts to have everyone forget you. By the end of my dream, she was transforming back to how she currently is now, but before she did, she said "No one remembers me anyway, why keep trying?" I haven't woke up screaming or crying so hard in a really long time. People are moving on with their lives. Time is continuing. Each day that passes, we get farther and farther away from the time the accident happened. It's so close to a year, that I can't believe it. I think this dream hit so hard because it isn't just a nightmare. People really ARE forgetting her. . .

Adding on top of these nightmares, I've had a migraine, Kelsey and I aren't friends anymore, and people are just proving to be really flaky and unreliable.

It's really shitty, because when I'm happy, I have all kinds of people who talk to me. But when I truly need help just getting through the night, I'm alone. Completely alone.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

It's 1998. Levi and I are in the first grade. I don't know him yet, but I see him all the time on the playground. I decide I'm going to know this kid by the time the days over.

Hes playing with his hot wheel cars in the sand at the bottom of the slide, and I'm at the top on the landing of the playground with my barbies. I throw one down the slide, in an effort to get his attention. I don't hit him, but i do get his attention. Of course he's angry, I just chucked a Barbie at him. So he throws his toy car right back at my face. Hits me square in the mouth, causing one tooth to fall out and quite a bit of blood to pour out of of my gums As the blood is dripping down my face, we formed an unbreakable bond.

From that moment on, we have been inseparable. The last fourteen years, this kids been my other half. Throwing a toy at a random kid is the best choice I have ever made. I would be nothing without him.

Every minute I have spent happy, he's been by my side. Every minute spent angry, sad, confused, hurt, you name it, Levi Jeffrey Estrada has been there. He's been the one dependable thing in my life, no matter what is going on. He's supported me through the best and worst times. I wouldn't be here today without him.

I struggled with depression a lot in my younger years. In November of 2006, for irrelevant reasons, I attempted suicide. I stole a bunch of pills and I swallowed them. (this is why I can't swallow pills now, btw.) about a minute later, my phone rings. Levi had no idea I was doing this. No one did. But he called me to see how I was doing. At the sound of his voice, I started crying. I told him I loved him five thousand times, at least. I know he thought I was a weirdo, but like I said, he had no idea what was going on. I told him I'd call him back soon. I hung up the phone and vomited until I was sure the pills were out of my system. I vomited until nothing was coming up. And then I called him back and told him how grateful I was for him. I never told him what happened that day until 4 years later, in 2010. And even then we didn't get into it. Still to this day, he doesn't know the full story.

Had Levi not called me, I wouldn't have remembered that I did have reason to live. I did have reason to fight. I did have someone who loved me, despite the monster I thought I was. I owe every breath I have taken since that day to him. This is the main reason why I won't tolerate anyone in my life who doesn't get along with him. We are a package deal. You can't love me and not love Levi. Without Levi, there would not be a me to love. As it stands right now, I would have been dead for five and a half years. If you didn't know me before the first half of eighth grade, you would NEVER have known I existed, had it not been for this boy.

Levi is everything to me. Since the very first day on the playground. Before the blood on my face was dry, I knew we wouldn't spend a moment apart. I dont mean physically apart. Obviously with him living two hours away that isn't possible. But emotionally.

Everywhere I go, I carry Levi in my heart. I truly believe Levi is my soul mate. Now, before people start thinking this is some confession of in loveness, I'd like to point out that I don't mean that in the typical sense. I dont believe soul mates have to have a romantic level to them. Clearly, Levi and I don't. We go boy hunting together.

But I believe Levi's my soul mate. My soul and his are intertwined. You can't have just me without aspects of him. You can't have just him without aspects of me. Honestly, I don't even know which personality traits started as my own or I inherited from him and vice versa. Without him, I would truly be broken. My soul would be ripped into pieces. I do not know how to live without him. Nor do I want to learn.

Our friendship isn't a pushy one. It isn't one sided. It isn't stressful. It isn't one where either of us have to hide who we truly are. Not that we could since we're basically the same person, yknow. But still. It isn't one where we lie to save the others feelings. It isn't one where we even sugar coat. It isn't a friendship that we have to force. We don't preach at each other. We don't lecture. We don't try to change each others ways. If something makes one of us happy, the other supports us. We'll defend each other, right or wrong, to the very end. We're in this together, forever. Levi is my bestfriend, my partner in SOOO many crimes, my personal comedian, the one person who knows me like I know me, my reason to smile when things get tough, the person who listens, TRULY listens and remembers, my very best friend, my rock, my hero, my soul mate, my other half.

And that my friends, is how all friendships should be.

I love you Levi. 1998-forever.

A diploma is a piece of paper, not a ticket to maturity.

When I was in high school, everyone told me not to grow up too fast. They told me to enjoy it while I could, that it was going to end faster than I thought it would. I told these people they were nuts, and if I could just kindly graduate and get the fuck in the real world, I would be happy.

Freshman year, I procrastinated. I failed just about every class I had, even the easy ones. Graduation seemed like an eternity away, and it was just something that didn't matter to me. Graduation wasn't even in the realm of possibility for me at this point.

Sophomore year, I got my shit together a little bit. I tried harder in some classes, but still managed to fail quite a few. I only tried in the classes I liked and for the teachers I got along with. Everything else, serious procrastination. I wouldn't even try. Especially with geometry. I wouldn't pay attention in class. I would talk to Kezzi and Gilbert all period, I'd write notes to my other friends, I'd draw, text, anything to avoid actually paying attention to what Mr. Willess was saying. And then I'd get home and get pissed off at Mr. Willess when I couldn't understand the homework. Needless to say, I failed geometry. WITH THE LOWEST PERCENTAGE THAT MR. WILLESS HAD EVER GIVEN OUT IN HIS 30+ YEARS OF TEACHING. I don't really know why, but I was proud of that.

Junior year, I moved. I moved to a brand new high school, in a brand new town, in a brand new state, half way across the country. Fergus was where I realized I needed to really get my shit together. Fergus High was SOOOOO much less stressful than Fallbrook High. Montana's academic standards are a lot less intense than the California ones, and that alleviated a lot of my stress. I had absolutely awesome teachers, and I got along with all of them. I became friends with most of my teachers. There wasn't just the 'student-teacher' relationship. The teachers in Fergus actually made an effort to know you on a personal level. You weren't someone they just threw lectures and homework at. Mrs. Lewis was my favorite. I could talk to her like we've been friends forever. I loved my teachers. Even the attendance secretary, Andra, was my friend. I would go to the office just to say hi to her. Halfway through the year, Andra left and some other lady took her place. I don't remember the other lady's name, and even though she was my best friends cousin or something, I didn't like her. She wasn't Andra, so I despised her. Not really fair, but oh well. Even the vice principal, Mr. Majerus wasn't too bad. Except when he was dress coding me. I liked the atmosphere and the teachers better, so I tried harder. I passed all but one class.

Senior year, I rocked. I moved back to California, and I went to Ivy. Initially, I was scared to go to Ivy. That school has a reputation around town for being particularly dangerous. Ivy is known as the school for the drug addicts, the 2nd chance drop outs, the gang members, the failures, and the teen moms. I was certain I was going to piss off the wrong person and get my ass kicked within the first week. Good news, I didn't.  :) I ended up actually getting a long with everyone. The teacher everyone hated, Mrs. Cawley, was my favorite. I ended up passing every class, and graduating on time with a $200 scholarship, after spending the whole year on honor roll or Principals honor roll.

And now, I'm graduated. A lot of people seem to think that receiving that diploma changed me. Well, sorry, but it really didn't.

Yes, I graduated high school and I have a diploma to prove it. I'm stoked that I actually managed to pull it off. However, it's just a piece of paper to me. Getting my diploma didn't make me an adult any more than getting my license turned me into a taxi driver. It's an accomplishment, a great one at that. I'm proud of me. But at the end of the day, it's still just a piece of paper.

Everyone demands so much responsibility and maturity from me. My mom doesn't think I should ever go out with my friends and have fun. It's a constant "Well, why didn't you do this this and this? Why isn't this this and this cleaned?" Etc, etc, etc. . .

I'm still a kid. I still like going out and doing stupid things with my friends. I listen to my music too loud. I sleep til two pm. I get stoked over swingsets and playgrounds. I cry when characters in my books die. I motherfucking love coloring books.

Don't get me wrong, I know how to be mature when I need to be. But it won't take over my whole life. I would really like to enjoy my life. I want to have fun, so I'm going to.

Experiences are what mature me, not pieces of paper. I'm sorry if that's a difficult concept for you, but walking across a stage and getting a piece of paper handed to me DIDN'T CHANGE ME. All it really changed was that I don't have to get up at 6am to get ready for school anymore. Please realize this.

Fuck studying.

I should be studying. Instead, I'm stealing surveys off tumblr. YOLO.

1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
Green.

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
White.

3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
If I trusted any of my friends with a sharpie to my back, I would end up with a dick drawn on me. No question.

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
Small town by Cali standards, but still pretty big. And I did before I lived somewhere better.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
Probably Megan Sullivans mom, Colleen. That lady is awesome.

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
MANGO. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
When I fell off the monkey bars. ):

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Uh. Every single day of middle school was embarrassing.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Uuuuhhh. My whole freshman year.

10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
Pirates. But I have a really cool ninja jacket...

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
Nope.

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
LOVE. And you bet your ass I do.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
A MOTHA FUCKING MOOSE.

14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
DAT ASS.

15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
All of it. My personality is awesome.

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
Gaga, bitch. I love her. <3

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
Never even watched a little bit of it.

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
Kinda. Some football game was on on new years 09, i glanced at it in the middle of eating tortillas and losing my pants. (still don't know what happened to those.)

19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
The California burrito at colimas.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Butter. And margarine.

21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
No milk because that's icky. And no I didn't!

22: Which continents have you been on?
Just north America, I'm boring.

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
Noooope and nope.

24: Backpacks or satchels?
Don't care.

25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
Yes. Yes. And yes. I actually used to own checkered pants!

26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Rugrats!

27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
Pig. Because they're cuter. And if I get mad at it, I get bacon.

28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
Seattle. Seattle has the most beautiful skyline.

29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
The one I'll be on this summer, because itll be my first.

30: The latest you've ever slept?
All day.

31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
HELL YEAH.

32: Do you pick at scabs?
I do. XD

33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
...the squished up ones you get at Mexican restaurants.

34: How far can you throw a baseball?
Ahaha like two feet.

35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
Canada.

36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
Lol silly, Ethiopians don't have food. But no to all of the above.

37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
Whichever is cheaper, cause I'm a broke ass.

38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
One with love AND sex.

39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
Nowhere near enough.

40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
Yes and yes!

41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
Nooo.

42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
I do indeed!

43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
Zombie bride!!

44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
.....oh survey you obviously don't know that I haven't had my natural hair color since fifth grade. But yes I currently want to do it bright red and black.

45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
Yes and yes!

46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
Why do I get the feeling you're judging me survey...

47: City or nature person?
Nature.

48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
Ballpoint pen as eyeliner! Not my wisest choice buuuut it worked.

49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
Not really.

50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!
- I'm really good at doing hair.
- I love learning about serial killers.
- giving me a hoodie is the way to my heart.
- pretty sure green tea runs through my veins instead of blood.
- my car has a buttcrack.

Liking pictures on Facebook doesn't make you a good person.

I'm SO damn tired of my news feed being raped with these things;

1.) "Like for heaven, ignore for hell" / "Like for Jesus / ignore for Satan"
2.) "Like if you would answer" (Includes a fake iPhone screenshot of 'Jesus/God' calling.)
3.) "Like if you wish cancer didn't exist"
4.) "One like = one prayer!"
5.) "If you don't repost this horribly depressing picture, you're heartless!"
6.) (In the 'Most Beautiful Teen Contest') All the "Like if you think she's beautiful" pictures of cancer patients/ war vets with deformities caused by various things in the war.
7.) Actually, just ALL of that damn Most Beautiful Teen Contest.
8.) Joseph Kony.
9.) Treyvon Martin.
10.) People who obsess over telling you they're 90's kids.
And here is why!

1.) "Like for heaven, ignore for hell" / "Like for Jesus / ignore for Satan"
So there's a way to count the number of votes for Jesus/Heaven, but not for Satan/Hell. Say a person with 700 friends reposts it. And 10 of there friends like it, but the other 690 ignore it. So that's ten votes for Heaven/Jesus, but 690 for Hell/Satan. Sorry, but looks like Hell and Satan win that round.

2.) "Like if you would answer" (Includes a fake iPhone screenshot of 'Jesus/God' calling.)
Why the fuck would Jesus call you? He's telepathic. Plus, with how many Jesus freaks there are out there, if his phone number got leaked, it would end with more calls than if a celebs phone number got leaked. Shit would get CRAAAAAY!!


3.) "Like if you wish cancer didn't exist"
Uhm. . . are there people who are happy cancer exists? Because y'know, call me crazy, but I kinda thought it went without saying that we all wished cancer didn't exist.

4.) "One like = one prayer!"
Uhm, no. One like equals one like. One prayer equals one prayer. Completely different things. That's like saying one Cheezit = one Dr. Pepper. (that's what I'm eating and drinking right now.) And if I were to say that, people would be like "Are you stupid? Cheezits and Dr. Pepper are TOTALLY DIFFERENT." That's precisely my point. You can like and pray, just like I can have cheezits and Dr. Pepper. But they're not interchangeable.

5.) "If you don't repost this horribly depressing picture, you're heartless!" 
Uh, no. More like "If you laugh or get pleasure out of this horribly depressing picture, you're heartless." I have a heart, and I use it to not depress the fuck out of everyone in my life. No one wants to log into Facebook and see depressing pictures!! And if you do, you've got issues.

6.) (In the 'Most Beautiful Teen Contest') All the "Like if you think she's beautiful" pictures of cancer patients/ war vets with deformities caused by various things in the war.
The only reason you're liking these pictures, is because you think you look like a good person. Using death or diseases to get sympathy to win some stupid internet contest is sickening.

7.) Actually, just ALL of that damn Most Beautiful Teen Contest.
Why do people care so much what strangers on the internet think of them...? Is your life so pitiful that that actually matters to you? Get some self esteem, please.

8.) Joseph Kony.
HE ISN'T EVEN IN UGANDA. Half the people who claim to care about this shit couldn't even tell you where Uganda IS. But, hey look. He wasn't captured, and people STOPPED CARING. It was just a fad, and everyone who bought into it is stupid.

9.) Treyvon Martin;
Yes, it's sad. Very sad that he died. But the fact of the matter is, we DON'T know if he was innocently just walking. He had to have said something that provoked Zimmerman. I didn't say he's a saint, but he probably wasn't totally innocent either. The only reason you guys are making such a big deal out of this is because a white/mexican guy shot a black guy. It's all race.

10.)  People who obsess over telling you they're 90's kids.
NO ONE CARES. You know how many people were born in the timespan of ten years? You're not fucking special.