120 in a 75.(:

So, the title of this post is from a song by my friend Sam's band, Better Words For A Farewell. Here, love them;

http://www.facebook.com/betterwordsforafarewell?sk=app_204974879526524

So, this morning, I got up early and took Winston in to the shop for an oil change and his headlight was out. My passenger side headlight is a fucking trooper, because this is the third time my drivers side has gone out. But it was funny, cause I pulled in and the main mechanic saw Winston and his face fell. They really don't like my car down at ProTire. One of the guys even called it the Scumbag Satan Mobile... But Winston's been doing so good lately! I'm so proud of my lil buggie<3

So anyway, I have to vent about the drama going on between some of my friends. So, for the last two years, I've been close to Danielle, Kyle and Kelsey. Danielle and Kyle live in Havre, and Kelsey in Lewistown. Danielle and Kyle dated for a while in the past. But now Kyle's dating Kelsey. And everyone's flipping out. And not just flipping out, but they're flipping out to me. And I'm like NO.

I love Kelsey. I love Danielle. I love Kyle. I don't want to hear anyone talk shit on any of them or their relationships or tell me one is cheating on the other. I just don't want to hear anything about Kelsey and Kyle's relationship UNLESS KELSEY OR KYLE TELL ME.

I'm sorry Danielle's upset. It sucks seeing the ex you love dating someone else. I totally see her side. But I also see Kyle's side. Him and Danielle have had a roller coaster relationship and he just wants to move on with his life. And Kelsey just wants to be happy with the guy who makes her happy. I'm sorry that Kelsey being happy hurts danielle, but you can't please everyone.

More importantly, I can't please everyone. In fact, this entire situation is out of my hands. So why people choose to come to me with "information", I won't understand.

Yes, Kelsey is my best friend. But so is Danielle and Kyle. I'm in an awkward situation, but I don't want it to be awkward so PLEASE no one else try making it awkward!

Just call me Switzerland, because I want to stay neutral as possible in this whole situation. I won't be picking sides, I love them ALL.

MY life, MY choices.

Last week, I made the decision to quit my job. I made this choice for a couple reasons. Mainly, I'm too stressed. You wouldn't think that Panda Express would be a stressful job, but you'd be wrong. It's very stressful, and it's really having a toll on my health. I have hypertension and insomnia and nutrient deficiency. None of which I had time when I could take care of myself. I. Need. To. Take. Care. Of. Myself. I absolutely ADORE some of my coworkers, don't get me wrong. But a lot of them are really hard to work with. Namely, Julio, Nana, Lucy, and Gustavo. I did not make it all the way through high school to be bullied as an adult. Honestly, I'm just not happy there anymore. Eddie, Lani and Jose are amazing people to work for, but I don't see them enough to make my job worth while. I just don't like it anymore. I wake up on days I have to go to work, and I'm in a bad mood. I don't like my job anymore. And I know, "sometimes you've got to do things you don't like." No, I don't. My life is too short to do things that make me unhappy. Call me childish if you please, but in the end, which one of us is gonna be happy with our endeavors? I am. I'll be happy and childish while you be grown up and miserable. I'm cool with that.

But the thing is, my mom's now freaking out. She's yelling at me nonstop about how "I had it so good!" and bullshit. It annoys me because she has no idea what it's like over there. Sure, she works next door. But no one's ever rude to me in front of her. So she thinks I'm imagining it or some crap, who knows. She even gave me the same shit about the doing things I don't like.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I'm not going to do things that make me unhappy. I'm sorry if you don't like that, but I'm quite alright with being happy.

Support me or don't, but I'm a big kid now, and I'm going to make choices because they're what will make me happy and healthy.

The minds of girls.

So, I don't know if girls are really this mysterious, or the boys I hang out with are just that stupid.

I guess things need clarification, so here I am to do so. (Most of these are requests.)

- The Friendzone; "Girls are always asking where the nice guys are, in the friend zone where you left them." or however that quote goes. Alllllllllllrighty boys, here's where you're wrong. That's where we leave the boring guys. Girls don't like guys who're nice 24/7. It gets annoying. That's NOT NOT NOT saying we want a douchebag, because truthfully, they suck too. Frankly, bad boys are sexy. Pussies are not. If we wanted a pussy, we'd be a lesbian. The perfect mix of bad boy to everyone else, but sweet to me is the sexiest thing ever. And by 'Perfect mix' I don't mean you act like the boy who has to fight everyone who looks at me. Mystery is sexy. If you're friendzoned, it's because you're either too nice, or too much of a douche. Or there's just no challenge. If you're always throwing yourself at us, there's no challenge. GIRLS LIKE A CHALLENGE. Y'guys gotta keep shit interesting.

- Why we play mindgames; there really isn't much explanation to this one. It's fucking fun. That's it. That's all there is to it. Guys are so simple minded sometimes, that it's amusing. Kind of like we're puppeteers and they're puppets. We honestly just do it for shits and giggles.

- Why we get hypocritical; guys are hypocritical sometimes too. Everyone is. It happens.

- Why we think all guys are terrible because of one guy; This isn't necessarily true. At least not for us smart girls. If you've been around for any of my relationships, it's common knowledge that I don't pick out that many winners. But I don't think ALL guys are bad. And if a girl does think all guys are bad because of one bad guy, they should be shot in the vagina.

- Why we like to be indirect; Fuck if I know. This is one mystery of the girl world I may never get. Some girls are retarded. I'll admit that I've done this, but now that I've grown into my common sense, I don't get it much. If you wanna say something to someone, just say it. Most of the time, the guy you're indirectly talking to ISN'T GOING TO GET IT. Or if they do get it, they're probably going to be insulted and question your IQ for not just straight up telling them. It's also going to get all the smart girls to roll their eyes at you. That's all that's gonna accomplish.

- Why most of us - especially the hot ones - think we're ugly; Simple. Low self esteem. Someone important somewhere down the line has probably brought us down. In my own personal experience, most days I can look at myself and know I'm not ugly. I'm pretty damn cute, actually. But sometimes, I just don't believe people when they say it. Enough people in my past have said bad things about me that it brought me down. It happens to all of us. I personally don't like how I look without my makeup and hair done. Some of my friends tell me I have natural beauty and stuff, and don't need it. But I like it. I don't think I NEED it to be attractive, I just think I'm much more attractive with it. Being all done up gives a girl more confidence. As for the girls who constantly whine and post captions on self-pictures saying "omg i'm ugly", I would like to shoot them in the vagina as well. You don't think it's an ugly picture of you, or you wouldn't have posted it on the internet. You're fishing for compliments, and you're retarded. Shutthefuckup. And it's dumb, because most of the girls who do that AREN'T EVEN UGLY. Fuckin' A.

- Why most girls are compulsive liars; because girls are bitches. But girls aren't the only liars, boys lie a lot too. Basically, dishonest people need to be shot in the vagina. And if they're a boy, they need to be shot until they have a vagina. Then shot in the vagina. And yes, this is my choice torture method of the week.

- "Why we decide to crush on boys when they're not into us, but the second they're into us, we don't like them anymore"; I'm not really sure what kind of girls you're kickin' it with, Twitch, but it sounds like you need better taste. But if you mean what I think you mean, it's cause there's no more challenge. Which, if you missed it earlier, girls like a challenge.

- The duck face/Fake orange tans; they want to be shot in the vagina.

- Why we go to the (public) bathroom in groups; I . . . I honestly have no answer for why we do this. I mean, I do it. I just don't know why.

Anyway, these are all the answers I got when I asked what people wanted explained. So, here it is. (I might have to post a part two tomorrow, depending on the replies I get from this.)

I just got my life saved by a ghost, nbd.

Okay, so this might sound crazy to some of you, because I still can barely believe it happened myself.

So there's about two or three miles of palm trees right before my work. They're all lined up on the side of the road, and it's pretty. About a month ago, a marine and his wife were driving down that stretch. He lost control of his car and they crashed into one of the palm trees. The tree cut him in half and he obviously died. I don't know what ended up happening to his wife. No matter how many times I google it, I can't find anything out.

There's a bunch of trees and basically it goes like this; |||||| | |||||||

Those lines obviously being trees, there's the first row, big gap, loner tree, big gap, row. The very first tree in the second row is where he died. The one I made red.

Every day going to work and coming home, I drive past this tree. And anytime I drive past the tree, I pray for the guy. I pray that him and his family are okay and that they find peace. I don't know his name, I don't know anything about this man except for how he died. But I pray for him two times a day, every day.

I have a headcold. My head's all stuffy, and I'm talking like a stuffed up Darth Vader and I'm coughing a lot.

Tonight at 5:26, I coughed. Immediately after, I heard a man's voice in my head saying, "Rebecca, you need to go home now." And (in my head) I'm like, "No, I'm fine. I need to stay at work." and the man's like "Rebecca, NOW." I need the money, so I ignore it.

At 5:28pm, I cough again. My manager calls me over, and she tells me I need to go home. So I'm like WTF is this bitch in my head. And I tell her that I'm fine. And she said I'm coughing too much to stay, and I need to go. So I'm like, okay, and I leave.

On my way home, as I do every night, as soon as that tree is in my line of sight, I start praying for the man. As I pass it, I can see out of the corner of my eye, a man standing there watching my car. That's not an area where people ever stand. On the other side of those trees is a field that helicopters use to practice landing. So, it isn't really pedestrian friendly. I look in my rear view mirror, and the man is gone. There's absolutely nowhere this man could have gone that quickly.

As soon as my eyes are back on the road, I hear the same man's voice from earlier in my head saying, "You had to leave. You both would have died tonight the way I did." Tonight, I was supposed to be taking Leizel home. That's the way we always go.

I get home and I start to tell my mom the story. Before I get past the point where Lucy sent me home she stops me and says, "You weren't supposed to be on the road tonight. I know. I had a man tell me that to." Neither of us recognized the voice.

I honestly feel that that man was protecting me. I don't know why, because I've never met him. I don't even know his name. But my mom says he must hear me praying for him. I'm not the most religious, and I don't really know how everything works, but holy crap. No pun intended.

This blew my mind. I'm in shock. Thank you, Mr. Whoeveryouare.

Let me tell you bout my BEEEESSSSSFRENNNN

The beginning of my junior year, if you would have told me that I'd become very best friends with this girl (or told her the same about me) we both would have called you batshit insane.

But, as things turned out, that's precisely what happened. Let me tell you the story of us.

I first saw her in Geometry. She was across the room from me, and I thought she was a bitch. Then American History came 2nd period and I was like "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME." She annoyed the crap out of me, though I had no logical reason why.

Mid-November 2009, we got assigned a project together and had to exchange numbers. Like two nights later, my brother had concocted some weird story about why she hated him, and insisted that I text her and find out if it was true. The story he told me was so off the wall fucking weird that I just had to find out. So, I texted her.

I remember I was Christmas tree shopping during our first conversation. I was amazed how cool she was.

And basically, the rest has been history. We became inseperable, and we always will be.

Kelsey Jo Potter made Montana worth while. This girl's my best friend. And I'd be sosososo lost without her.

One of these days, I'm going to con her into moving to California and living with me.

I love you Kelsey Jo! You're the bestest :)

Some things that need addressing.

You know what drives me fucking insane? Quite a few things. Here's some shit that needs to be addressed to the public.

When people ask if I'm high. I don't know if you've noticed the tattoo on my collarbone, but that was done in celebration of my sobriety. My sobriety that I worked my fucking ass off for. That tattoo means a hell of a lot more to me than just some ink in my skin. It's a symbol of the struggle I had to go through to get here. I may have made it look easy, but it truly wasn't at first. Sure, I wasn't physically addicted to the drugs I did, so there was no physical withdrawals. But psychological addiction is just as bad my friends.

Most of you weren't there for the depression. Most of you didn't help me when I was overdosing. Most of you bailed after I got busted, and flat pretended I didn't FUCKING EXIST. Most of the people I'm surrounded by in Fallbrook are a bunch of fake ass CUNTS. people want to tell me I wasn't addicted that bad, so I shouldn't be so proud? No, FUCK YOU.

You weren't there in the beginning when I started popping pills. But yep, there you were, my "best friend" when I had some. As soon as the pills were gone, so were all of my "friends".

But you know who stuck by my side throughout EVERYHING? Rachel Elizabeth Clinefelter. She was there before the drugs. She was there while I was on drugs, and though I pushed her away and was a fucking cunt to her, she still loved me. She was there HELPING me - not sitting back watching and telling me to "just calm down" - when I was overdosing. She was there when I first got busted. She was there through all the depression and the random crying and the night terrors after. She was there for every day I've spent drug free. She was there on my one year sober. And when she tells me she's proud of me, I know she honestly means it.

No one EVER fucking tell me she isn't a good friend because of some silly fights we had in our past. Let's be honest, we were stupid, immature, 15 year old girls. Fighting over boys is what stupid, immature, 15 year old girls do. She was a bitch, I was a bitch. I was a nasty cunt, she was a nasty cunt. We both said things we regretted. And we've both moved on with our lifes. I may not have known her my whole life, but I truly did grow up with her. Rachels my best friend. And if you have a problem with that, I don't give a single fuck. Because not a one of you has been there for me like she has. And don't any of you dare say you have.

My sobriety may not be a big deal to you. And maybe you aren't proud of me. Cool. You're not a significant person in my life. In fact, I've been doing absolutely FANTASTIC ever since I quit you and your silly drama nonsense and lies. Trying to bring me down is sweet of you, really. I'm truly flattered that your life is so painstakingly fucking lame that you have to obsess over the things I do in my life. I'm flattered that even you are aware how much better than you I am. But it's also a little weird. Get a hobby. I hear knitting is all the rage.

Another thing that pisses me off is when ex boyfriends or exhookups brag about things they've done with me in public. I mean brag in public, but I can't think of a better way to word that at 3am. Suck it up.

I don't know why you think it has to be brought up. To be completely honest here, we all make our mistakes. And if I didn't consider you a mistake, you wouldn't be an EX anything. I would still be with you.

I also hate when people take my business and make it public. I do not know why the FUCK any of you thought my life was YOUR business, but let me clear something up for all of you. IT FUCKING ISN'T. IT NEVER WAS AND IT NEVER FUCKING WILL BE. Unless I so choose to involve you, stay the FUCK out of my business.

Brandon, you especially. You're a bullshit excuse for family. Pretend to be all fucking protective and shit and then turn around and stab me in the back the minute you think some random bitch is going to put out. FUCK YOU. Family doesn't do that to each other. So you're not my fucking family anymore. Consider yourself entirely disowned. You're now just someone I used to know. Like I said before, we all make our mistakes. And trusting you and considering you a cousin and a friend was clearly one of mine. Never trust a tweaker.

To the people of Fallbrook who claimed to "miss me OH SO MUCH" while I was in Montana; where did you all go once I moved back?
To the people of Lewistown who claim to miss me now; maybe some of you don't remember the way you treated me while I was there, but I do.
People almost never appreciate you while they have you, it takes you going away for them to realize you mattered.

For those of you who don't know or didn't know me through this time, from 2009 - 2011 I was on again off again engaged to a boy named Chris. Most of you don't know a damn thing about our relationship, other than that he broke my heart. So anytime his name is mentioned, I hear the same old, "he was an asshole anyway!"

No, he wasn't. Christopher James Portelli has always been one of the kindest, most caring people I have ever known. He was not the asshole in our relationship. I was. Sure, we fought a lot. But I started most of those fights. I didn't know how to just fucking be happy. I was scared. I wasn't ready for the risks of forever. I was watching my parents relationship fall apart for half of my relationship with him, and the other half was cleaning up the destruction my stepdad left when him and my mom split. I was scared Chris would do that to me. He had the power to make or break me.

But in the end, I ruined everything. I wont tolerate people calling him an asshole, because none of this was his fault. It was all mine. I loved Chris more than anything. I still love the memory of Chris. I don't know him now, we haven't really talked in a year or so. Of course I miss him. But he's started a new life now. He's happy. And I absolutely will not mess that up for him. No matter how much I miss him, I know he deserves only the best. And I'm not the best for him. And that's the last I'm going to say on that matter.


Goodnight.

Sobriety day:)

First off, I decided not to post that really long blog. I typed it all out on my laptop and it felt great todo. I'm not posting it simply because most people won't read it. And there's a lot of personal family problems in there that I don't know if my family would enjoy reading. I know I usually don't care what people think, but this is different. If you'd like to still read it, let me know and I'll email it to you.

Secondly, I GOT A TATTOO MOTHAFUCKASSS! Yesterday or two days ago fuck I dont even know... THE FIRST was my one year sobriety date. Aaannd so I got a tattoo! It says "Just For Today". Which, is the NA slogan. They taught me that if I can get through something just for today, that things will be different in the future. Like, when something bad happens to people they usually focus on the long run. Just for today teaches you to focus on just today. (imagine that.) it helped me with my sobriety and many other things. It truly is something that changed my life. Who would have thought that three words would change my life so much? But it did. And that my dears, is the reason behind the ink.

So yesterday after I got home from getting my tattoo, my mom bought me a cake and it's super cute :) tastes good too.

So anyway here's pictures and stuff. The order is weird and idk how to fix it on my phone.

Aint nothin better than a bestfriend.

Theres a truck that we see around town all the time. It's a big old ford F-150 and it has iowa plates, a rubber chicken hanging from the back bumper and no rearview mirror.

Rachel and I have decided that the boy who drives this truck is my soulmate.

Tonight, we left an awesome note on his windshield. (;

Oh yeah. This really happened.