I thought I knew lonely...

There haven't been a whole lot of people in my life who've had the ability to break my heart. Yes, multiple people have been able to hurt my feelings. But a true heartbreak is something only certain people have ever been able to do. 

Anyone who is a habitual reader knows that I have problems letting go of my brother. He taught me the real definition of lonely. The divorce took it's toll on me. Losing my whole family broke my heart much more than I'll ever show, unless you're Rachel. The breakups with Chris and Kalyb really took their toll. Jacc breaking his pinky promise twice really hurt.

But tonight, I realized that I don't have Levi anymore. I mean sure, we're friends. He's always going to be my best friend. But it isn't the same. He's been my everything since I was five. My world has revolved around him since the first grade. Everyone who knows me knows how important Levi has always been to me. Everyone knows how defensive I get when someone even looks at him wrong. That kid is my whole reason for being alive so long. 

This weekend, a lot of things opened my eyes. I realized that I don't know him anymore. We're not really part of each others lives anymore. He doesn't know anything about my life. We've drifted sooooo far apart I think it's too far. I think we have hit the point of no return. 

It's been a slow progression the last year. I've tried to pretend it wasn't happening. That's what I do in crisis situations. I pretend it isn't happening. Maybe that didn't help. Maybe that's part of why we're so fucked up right now. Maybe this is all my fault. In fact, it probably is. Slowly, day by day, we got further and further apart. And neither of us did anything to fix it. Maybe it's both our faults, but I tend to take blame for him, so in my eyes it's entirely my fault.

I let the most important thing in my life slip through the cracks. And I'm afriad it's so far gone that I can't fix it. 

I don't know what to do. I'm forgetting how to breathe. I'm sitting in his house, and I've never felt further from him. . . I can honestly feel my heart breaking. I know, I know. It's not physically breaking. But it sure as fuck feels like it. 

I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird, because how the hell do you forget to do that? I don't know. I just know it's happening. I'll be like, "Damn my chest hurts." Then realize I've been holding my breath. . .

I've never felt so alone in all my life. Not when I lost my brother, either time. Not when I lost just about all my friends when I got sober. Not when I moved to Montana and didn't know anyone. Not through the divorce. Never, never, never.

I don't know what to do. The logical thing would be learn to live without him. . . But I don't want to. I want to fix things. I just don't know how. . .

Closure.

The letter challenge was great for me. I didn't finish it all the way through, and maybe one day I'll do the second half. But in the meantime, the first half helped me get over a lot of suppressed feelings and really move on.

Dad:
for the longest time, I hated you. I hated that everyone else in my family got to know you, and I didn't. I hated how easily you walked away from me. And I even hated you for dying. I still don't forgive you, and I'm far from understanding why you did these things. But I'm okay now. I've accepted it, and I've moved on.

Kalyb:
I didn't write you a letter, but you gave me my final closure while I was doing these, so I shall include you. I thought I was in love with you, but I don't think I ever truly was. Don't get me wrong, I did love you. But I don't think I was in love. You did a lot of great things for me. But you also did a lot of damage. You taught me to let down my walls. Then you showed me exactly why I shouldn't. You taught me how to love unconditionally, but then you took that as a challenge to find a reason for me to not love you. You usually suggested great music, I owe a good chunk of my library to you. But you also love ICP. You taught me to love my flaws, but when we would fight you would point them out. You would help me get over my insecurities, only to give me more. You were a great friend. Sometimes you were even a great boyfriend. But most of the time, you treated me like crap. I was smart enough to realize it, but stupid enough to not walk away. I let you belittle me and walk all over my heart for a very long time. And all that time, I thought we were in love. I thought that was part of these relationships. No. We were in an abusive relationship. I still don't think you would ever hit me, but emotional abuse is just as awful. After our break up in march, things started to fall into place. I was better than that. About a week before my birthday, we talked. You apologized, told me I was the only girl for you, we were going to get married and live the life we always wanted. I tried to believe you, but I held back. You had hurt me pretty bad the month before. A week goes by, and then you text me and say "I have a girlfriend." we fought & I cried. But for the first time, I only cried over you for about an hour or two. After that, I was fine. And I've been fine since. I can think about you and talk about you and not a feeling goes by. You're finally a part of my past. And I know when things fall apart with this new girl, you're going to come crying back to me. We've been this way since we were fourteen. But no more. You were never the "love of my life". We were each others rebounds. And I'm done with that. I now have my closure.

Chris:
another ex boyfriend. Well. Without a doubt, I was in love with you. I would have dropped anything to marry you had it been legal during the time we were together. I spent the last year and a half getting over you and thinking I was. But anytime I saw a picture of you, I melted. I thought about what we had, and why couldn't we have that again? Then I would remember why we broke up, and i would be sad for a while, then i would be okay. Recently, I had a dream about you. That dream surfaced all the hidden feelings. I texted you, we talked a bit. And then came your day for the letter. I spilled my heart out. You never read it and you won't read this. But I sent you a very similar thing. A few days later, I learned that you'd been lying to me about being in the army. Now, I was used to you lying to me. But this one hurt. There was no need for it. I didn't care if you had joined the army or if you were still selling weed to get by. That was no matter to me. But instead of being honest, you outright lied. And that I suppose kinda kicked it into gear for me that no. I don't love you. I love our happy memories. I really have been over you. It's the memories I didn't want to let go of. And you know what? I still don't. We had great times together. I credit some of my happiest times to you. But I know the difference now between missing you and missing the memories. So it isn't bad anymore. Spilling my heart out, both to you and the blog, really helped me. I finally realized I don't need you to be happy. I also realized you won't ever quit lying to me, and I'll never be able to trust you. I have no hard feelings for you, though. I sincerely hope you get nothing but the best in life.

Trevor:
you're two people to me now. My brother and the asshole you are today. Allow me to explain. My brother was my best friend. I told you everything. All the most awful secrets I had. All the weird shit that popped into my head at all hours. I cherished nothing more than the nights we would hang out in each others rooms, the garage, the bat cave, the backyard, the school or the basement and just talk about everything under the sun. Those were the best nights. I miss getting so high we couldnt stop laughing and then crying in snow forts. Drugs arent a part of either of our lives anymore, but those adventures are some of the best memories we have. After we moved, we stuck by each others side even more. If anyone even looked at one of us wrong, the other became homicidal to that person. Most of the time, you were all I had and vice versa. You were my very best friend in the world. You've changed so much it's like my brother died and this stranger took his place. You treat me like shit now. Actually, worse. You at least acknowledge that shit is there. I'm nothing to you. Countless times I've tried coming to you crying, and you've ignored my messages. Were still Facebook friends, and I check up on you all the time. It hurts me to see what weve become. You know we've now gone six months without a conversation? What the FUCK happened?! My heart will never stop hurting for the old times. I will never stop missing those years. I will never stop wishing for them back. I'm never going to not miss you. But I have accepted that you're gone. I have accepted that I will always have a hole in my heart. But there is a difference between accepting it and being okay. I know it's real, but I'm still waiting for it to stop sucking.

Day 14

Someone I drifted away from.
This was originally gonna be for seejay, but we're totally back to normal now so that's not necessary.
I don't really have anyone for this...

Days 12 & 13.

Day 12, person I hate most / caused me most pain, day 13; someone I wish could forgive me. Both of these go to my ex-brother, Trevor. Instead of writing a whole new post, I'm going to copy and paste in an old one on my personal blog. Most of you will never have read this, so it's new to you but whatever. 

Most of the time I try to pretend I'm ballsy and this whole thing with him doesn't phase me. But the fact of the matter is, I'm a fucking wreck. I miss my brother, and anytime something reminds me of him, my heart breaks a little more.

I can't drink Mountain Dew without my heart breaking, it was his favorite. I can't look at a sheep without my heart breaking, we had an old inside joke about them. I can't eat ketchup anymore, he put that stuff on everything. My heart hurts when I see someone with a Metallica or Iron Maiden shirt, because I always think, "Trevor had that shirt." (He had them all.) I can't listen to half the songs we used to listen to, because they bring back memories of sitting in my room (his was always too stinky.) just talking about life and having these songs in the background. The point being, I can't see or eat or do half the things I used to because it invokes all these memories.

Memories are bittersweet to me. They're sweet because I love remembering all the good times we had. All the crazy shit we did, all the fun we had, all the trouble we got in together. I used to bitch about it all the time, but now I miss getting in trouble for the things he did. I miss purposely taking the blame for something he did, because he was already in trouble. I miss how I could tell him everything. I miss our heart to hearts, no one knew me better than him. I didn't have to keep up a charade with my brother. If I wanted to bitch, he let me bitch. If I wanted to cry, he let me cry. He didn't expect me to be perfect, and he knew I was a fucked up person sometimes, but he loved me anyway. These things are bitter because I know this is the end of all those things.

It kills me to be back in this town. Driving around, I see places him and I have memories. Especially when I'm in our old neighborhood. I can't go to our old BatCave anymore, I can't see the guard chicken, sometimes even my grandma's house makes me sad. There's sooooo many memories, and they're everywhere. I still have pictures of us up on my wall, along with old birthday cards he gave me. Seeing his crap ass handwriting makes my heart feel like it's literally shattering.

People always tell me, "Don't worry about him, he's an asshole." Yes, I know he's an asshole sometimes. I know his angry side, I know his happy side, I know his sad, grumpy, sappy ALL of it. I know my brother. In no way shape or form do I think he's a saint. I lived with the kid for four years. I know that he's an asshole. But that doesn't mean I don't love him. Asshole or not, he was my brother. And though we haven't talked for months, I still consider him my brother. What I am to him now, I don't know and I think I'd rather not know.

I've even been told on more than one occasion that "It's not like he's dead." And while I am absolutely grateful that he's alive, this hurts more than if he had died.

If Trevor had died, he wouldn't have had the choice to abandon me. He wouldn't have had the choice to walk out of my life and pretend that I don't exist anymore. But walking out of my life like this, he did on purpose. He straight up abandoned me. He knew what he was doing, and he did it without ever looking back.

This is the main reason I don't trust many people. I don't put my all into relationships or friendships because if my brother can just up and walk away from me, what's stopping anyone else?

This heartbreak hasn't eased up. I miss my brother. I miss the friendship we used to have. I miss EVERYTHING. I try my hardest to be happy, and for the most part I'm okay. But the thought of Trevor is always nagging at the back of my mind.

I want things to be okay again. But since I know they never will be, is it to much to ask for to just me be okay?

I don't want to think about him all the time. I don't want to be reminded of him everywhere I go and with everything I do. I don't want to not have him around. I just want my brother back, god damnit.

Hi, I'm Rachel, and I'm currently releasing my inner bitch.

Hi, my name is Rachel Clinefelter, and I've been given the opportunity to guest blog. Rebecca is a my best friend and I love her to pieces. I've been hearing that some "friends" of hers having been using her and screwing her over. That doesn't make me very happy. And this blog is the result of that.


Kelson, you're up first. I'm extremely disappointed in you. 20 years old and still using your friends as taxi?. Here's a suggestion; GET A JOB. Sitting at home in your "batcave" playing video games will not bring in an income for you. If you're going to ask your friends for rides, give them gas money. If you can't do that, start asking your mother for rides. Or an even better idea; start charging for your dick services. You're boning enough girls to bring in quite a nice profit now. You must feel like such an accomplished, successful adult.

Tori. I don't know you well enough to talk shit on you, but I'm going to anyway cause apparently you think it's your place to talk shit on me! Aren't you a darling. C:
You're such a fucking low down cunt. Only whores use their "best friend" to bring over the penis of the day, then leave her on the couch while they get it in. I've got news for you. Shut your fucking thunder thighs and start thinking about someone other than yourself. Rebecca isn't your best friend. She's MY best friend. Why? Because I treasure my friendship with her like none other. I'm there for her 24/7. When she's crying, I'm right there with a box of tissues and 3 1/2 cookies. When she's mad, I'm the one bringing over a punching bag for her. When she wants to give up, I'm going to encourage her until she's back on her feet running again. I don't mooch off her. I don't use her to bring over my booty call. And I don't try setting her up with pathetic little boys. Have some respect for her. Actually, have a little respect for everyone! From what I understand, you're in love with some other guy, but you're boning Kelson. Seems legit. Good luck finding a guy to view you as anything but a piece of meat.
One last thing and I'm done ranting. I recently found out you think I'm a stuck up bitch. I'm not sure what gave you that impression, but let me give you some advice really quick. 1) Don't judge someone before you know them. 2) Keep my name out of your mouth. There's no room for it next to all the dicks you're deep throating. If you thought I was a stuck up bitch before, buckle up to hate me twice as much now.
On that note, have a nice day.

I'm not a fucking taxi.

Ever since I got my license, people seem to think this means my car has become a taxi. NOPE. NOPE IT HAS NOT.

I'm sorry for any misunderstandings, but I am not a taxi driver nor a chauffeur. I could not give a fuck less how you get from point A to point B. this is not my concern, unless you pay for gas.

Today, I'm pissed.

Kelson and Tori are boning, and I seem to look like a taxi driver to them. All they fucking do is use me to get kelson to tori and back home again, then the whole time complain I'm a cock block.

Yknow what guys? FUCK YOU. This is such bullshit you do this to me, and this is the LAST time it will happen. I know I'm supposed to be keeping your relations relatively secret, but you're also supposed to have at least an ounce of respect for me too. And since you're not holding up your end, this is me not holding up mine.

Kelson, this is to be expected of you.

But Tori? This is crap. You call me your "best friend". But you don't treat me like one. When I try to talk to you about stuff, you one word me or change the subject. Yet, I listen to you when you're having problems. And all I get in return is used. Thanks.

It's NEVER "let's you and I hang out." it's always "you me and kelson." and don't get me wrong, I like kelson. But it's shitty of you guys to do this. You make me feel like a 3rd wheel or you straight up say I'm being a cock block.

Last week we made plans. It was gonna be the three of us and Cody. Cody ended up not being able to crash here, so we changed it. Jesse was going to join us. About a few hours later, he bailed. Then ever since you guys have made it ever so obvious that my presence is unwanted.

It even went so far as you invited over some fifteen year old kid I'VE NEVER MET, clearly implanted some idea in his head that something was going to happen. I know you guys think I'm "hopeless" because I haven't gotten laid in a long time. That does NOT in ANY FUCKING WAY mean I want you to pity hook me up with FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS. Do you not fucking realize that I'm NINETEEN?!

I'm so over this crap. So damn over it.

This was inspired by those two, but this is really a message to everyone. I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKING TAXI.

If you want a ride somewhere, GIVE ME GAS MONEY. Like, I don't mind giving rides if you give me adequate gas money.

So next time, Kelson and Tori, don't invite me to spend the night. Just ask me for a ride, hand over gas money, and you don't have to worry about me being a "cock block." Kay? Kay.

Day 11; someone dead you want to talk to.

Dad. That’s a word I never got the chance to call you. Actually, every word is something I never got the chance to call you, since you never stuck around. Why is that, Dad?

I’m going to call you dad through this, that cool with you? Too bad, you’re dead and this is my blog.

One theory I’ve heard from people is that you didn’t want to be a dad. But see, I think that’s bullshit because you sure did stick around when Austin was born. Did you just not want a girl? Was that the problem, dad? Was I already not good enough for you in my first few months of life that you just completely gave up on me? What could I possibly have done in my first year that justified you up and leaving and never once looking back?

I’ve been told that up until when you died you carried a picture of me in your wallet. Was that just to show off? Make you look like you were a loving dad with a damn adorable daughter who you loved oh-so-much? Or was I hidden behind all your credit cards and other pictures? Was I just a reminder that hey, I made this kid and abandoned her? Did you ever regret leaving me? Did you ever think twice?

Say you did regret it later in the years. You died when I was six. So that gave you FIVE YEARS to come back. Give or take, 1,825 days went by that you didn’t call or write. Never once did I get a birthday card. Never once did I get a Christmas card. Every year, each holiday passed, and not a word from you. I didn’t think a whole lot of it when I was little, but now I do.  You couldn’t be bothered to call? My grandparent’s phone number hasn’t changed in like, thirty years. Don’t tell me you could forget that number. You know that’s where mom and I lived after you abandoned us. You knew where I was. You knew how to get ahold of me. You knew the address to mail me a card. How many times did you go to that house? Shit, you married my mom there. You knew how to be in my life, but you deliberately chose not to.  

It wasn’t even just that you were a flake. You not only abandoned me, but you hid from me. Or I guess, from Mom, since I wasn’t sure what child support even meant before age six, but still. Hiding from Mom meant hiding from me too. I honestly probably could have forgiven you for everything else had you not done this. You’ve also forever ruined my relationship with my uncle Jon and aunt Karen. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them endlessly. But I can’t get past the anger I’ve been harboring since childhood over them helping hide you. They knew I existed, they knew mom and I were struggling, they knew what you did, and they pretended they had no idea what you were up to. They out right lied to my mom for you. And try as I might, I can’t forgive them for that. That’s NOT saying I don’t love them. Because ever since you died, they’ve been wonderful to me. Everyone has. Except you.

You did give me amazing grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins though, and a pretty cool brother. By grandparents, I mean Lucky and Norm. Not Don. Sure, he’s your biological dad. But he isn’t shit to me.  When I was little, he said “I have Austin now, and a grandson is all I ever wanted.” And then straight up disowned me. In 2010, he tried to add me on Facebook. When I called him on his shit, he tried to slander my mom; as if I was going to believe some random old man over my life long best friend. So, I went off on him. I later learned that he was trying to make amends because he was dying. I completely belittled a dying man who is by all technical terms, my ‘grandpa’ and you know what? I don’t feel an ounce of shame, two years later. In fact, I’m proud of myself.

I wonder though, would you have tried fixing things if you knew you were going to die? Probably. Like father like son, right?

Grandma Lucky and Grandpa Norm have been great my whole life. They’ve been there through everything, and I love them to no ends. Kirk, Cindy, Jon, Karen, Austin and every single cousin I’ve met are all pretty amazing too. They’ve all more than made up for you ditching me. Basically what I’m saying is, I love the family you gave me. But in no way does that mean I love you, so please don’t take it that way.

You know, Dad, I do owe you a thank you. Thanks for boning my mom and making me. I’m pretty stoked to be alive. That’s kind of an awkward thing to be the only thing I have to thank my dad for, but hey, I appreciate you doing that. You two did good work, I turned out pretty cute. When it comes to Mom, you couldn’t have left me in the hands of a better person. I don’t care what anyone says, I have the best mom in the world. I honestly think that you leaving was a good thing. This meant mom and I would have more time together. We’d face all the challenges of life arm in arm. There wasn’t a husband/dad in the picture to focus on, so we got a lot more bonding time. I think that’s helped us become so close. So thanks for that too. So, I think I just forgave you. Not for everything. I forgive you for leaving. I don’t forgive you for the 1,825+ days between your leaving and your death.

I honestly won’t ever forgive you for those days. You weren’t there for my first steps. You weren’t there for my first words. You weren’t there when I learned how to tie my shoes by myself. You weren’t there when I started preschool. You weren’t there for any birthdays, any Christmases, any Halloweens. You didn’t hide Easter eggs with Mom. You never dropped me off or picked me up from school. You never celebrated A’s on report cards with me. I never made you finger paintings. You always made Father’s Day crafts REALLY awkward for me; I was always the only girl in school making them for my grandpa. You never yelled at me to pick up my toys. You never tripped over my Barbies; never hurt your foot on a random Barbie shoe lodged in the carpet. I always left you out of family drawings. When I got in trouble, you never were there to dish out punishments. You never nagged at me to get ready for bed. You never turned a blind eye when I would (badly) pretend I was asleep so I could watch X-Files late at night with you. You never comforted me after a nightmare. You never endured hours on end of ridiculous children’s shows because it made me happy.  You never tucked me in at night. But Mom did. Mom did all of this. Day in and day out, no matter how much she was hurting, Mom was there for me. But you never were, and you had plenty of opportunity to. And THAT is what I will never forgive you for.

I see your ghost from time to time. In fact, I saw you a little bit ago. I know ghosts hang around until their unfinished business is well, finished. Consider us finished, Dad. You didn’t care when you had the chance, and now it’s MY turn to not care. I sincerely hope this frees you from whatever is holding you to this world. But if it doesn’t, well. That sucks. But I still don’t care. Show yourself to Mom, not me. She’s the one who loved you, not me. But I don’t think she forgives you either. And after everything you did to us, I sincerely hope you don’t expect us to.

Good luck getting where you’re going. Goodbye, Dad.

Day 10; Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like to.

Dear Kelsey,
I miss being friends. It's been like a month now, and I miss you. But I'm never going to swallow my pride and admit that, because I'm an asshole. So I'll just indirectly hope you miss me and still read my blog.

Days 8 & 9

Favorite internet friend and someone I wanna meet. I slacked, and these both apply to Nell, SOOOOO these are both going to her.

Dear Nell.
You're practically my sister and you have been for like three years. But I've never met you in person! WTF IS THIS SHIT?! Nonsense.

But you're one of my favorite people to talk to. You understand my relationship problems, and you hate all the same people for all the same reasons. Plus we have the best inside jokes.
Move to Minnesota with me.

I love you sisterrrr. :D

Dear Exboyfriend/love.

7.27.09. The day you stole my heart. The day I decided I wanted to marry you. The day I fell in love.

I had a crush on you all throughout my first two years of high school. We never talked, and I was about to move. So at the end of sophomore year, I tried putting you to the back of my mind. You and my cousin were both graduating at the summer school graduation. I went for her, and when I saw you walk across the stage, I learned your name for the first time. I was really proud of you, and I smacked Rachel's arm and told her, "that's the boy I've been drooling over all year!" she told me I needed to "hurry up, marry you, and make beautiful children". I pointed out that I should probably know you first. She denied that being necessary.

A few days later was my going away party. I spent most of it in tears, that was the day my best friend of the time decided to drop the bomb that we couldn't ever talk again. Ethan texted me, asked how I was doing. I told him the truth, and he said "im gonna have my friend text you. He's hilarious and he will cheer you up." you texted me and we talked for two days before it clicked who you were. I about died when I put two and two together.

The next day my stepdad brought home the U-Haul. You said you'd help pack it if we could hang out just the once before I left and my parents agreed. We spent the whole morning laughing and when you kissed me, I melted. the rest of the day we spent hiding from my family, stealing kisses and avoiding the inevitable. We spent about 3 minutes fighting over the blue chair in the garage, and when you were like "oh shut up, we can both have it" and pulled me onto your lap, I melted even more. From then on there was no hiding the kisses. The chemistry between us was very obvious, and I later learned that not for a minute did we fool my parents that we were "just friends". The next three days were just like that. I spent every possible minute glued to you. I couldn't get enough. I was so happy, even though I knew it had to end.

Then finally, on the last day, you asked me to be your girlfriend. You promised me we'd make it work. You were gonna move there in December when you turned 18, and everything was going to be okay. I said yes, and then we kissed for an hour. (: that was the happiest moment of my life. Actually it's tied with when you first kissed me.. But still.

And then I moved across the fucking country. I don't remember much about the last night of the drive, but I remember having a panic attack and my mom had to talk you out of driving the 1300 miles, and it was just a panic attack. Sure, that's all it was. But I still wanted you to come... By then I'd been without you for three days and I was over it.

Everything was perfect for about a month and a half. I wore your hoodie everywhere. And when I wasn't wearing your hoodie, I was wearing your shirt. When you gave me your moms necklace, I vowed that one day I would marry you and we would honeymoon in Italy so you could see her again. Then the fighting started. The jealousy turned us into monsters. When we broke up, I cried for days.

After that, we were off and on for the rest of the year. When you would date other girls and say I was like your "little sister", it broke my heart. I dated other guys and called you my "big brother" to get you back, but it never seemed to have quite the same effect. Which broke my heart even harder.

About a month before I was to move back, I learned you had moved to Arizona. I was hoping we would get back together when I got back, but suddenly you were gone. And then, about two months into my being back, you moved back. We got back together and things were perfect.

Well maybe not perfect. We fought a lot over stupid things. But I never stopped loving you. About a month or so later, we broke up. I didn't think it was going to be the final one, but it was. You moved to Idaho for a job, and that was that.

When we broke up, I fell apart. The last year and a half has really sucked without you. I miss everything about you. I miss playing with your hair and stealing your hat and trying and failing at keep away. I miss your smile. I miss you laughing at me. I miss you pretending you were going for a kiss and licking the entire side of my face. I miss when you'd give me a hundred fast kisses in a minute instead of one long one. I miss making ugly cakes with you. I miss falling asleep on you while watching tv. I miss you force feeding me pudding even though you know I hate it. I miss you hating on my cheese consumption. I miss sitting in taco bell making up silly stories about the paintings. I miss everything that used to make me smile, and everything that used to frustrate me about you. I miss you so much.

I know you're back in my life right now, but you're only my friend. I'm still in love with you. I've tried dating other people. I've tried getting over you. But I can't do it. My heart still belongs to you, despite the countless times I've tried to get it back. I still have a playlist of our songs. Forever love. Here by me. Far away. . . You get the picture.

I would give anything to have you back. As my boyfriend. My soul mate. The love of my life. The man im going to marry. I want to hold your hand in the grave. I would even let you name our son Dino.

But I would have to call him dinosaur. House rule. (;

Christopher James Portelli, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you.

Days 5 & 6

Dear dreams:
How the hell do you write a letter to a dream? O____o

Dear stranger:
Let's be friends.

THESE TWO DAYS ARE STUPID.

Dear sibling,

Well, Austin. I can't really write you a long letter like I have everyone else. I don't really know you, and this is a shame considering we share DNA. I really should know you better, but I don't. . .so I don't know what to say. But from what I do know, you're a cool kidd. Stay awesome. Not that you have a choice, it's in our blood. ;)

Dear Mommie,

Mamz, you're my best friend. Ever since before I was born you have been. You ate broccoli for me. That's big.  <3

But in all seriousness, I love the relationship we have. There really isn't a thing I don't tell you, despite how you think I hide things from you sometimes. But I honestly cannot think of a thing that I haven't told you. I don't have to hide who I am or what I believe. Even if you disagree, you support me. Just about all my friends have to be two different people; who they are with their friends and who they are around their parents. I don't have to do that. And I really think that's helped us stay best friends for my whole life. You're not only my mom, but my friend. You've figured out how to be the perfect mix.

You're the strongest person I've ever met. All the things life has thrown at you, you've overcome. No matter how hard the journey has been, you've made it. It hasn't always been easy, but you did it. I admire that, a lot. I've gotten to see the strong side and the weak side of you the most in the last two years. I know how much it sucked in the beginning, but look how far you've come. I know how hard it was to believe me in the beginning when I said we'd be better off without them. But I was right, wasn't I? We are so much better off. We can eat waffles for dinner, say what we want, not get up first thing in the morning, and most importantly not walk on eggshells. We don't get verbally and emotionally beaten down on a nightly basis and you know what? We have fun. You and I have grown a lot closer in the last two years. I know, I miss them sometimes too. But we are a lot better off. And it makes me really happy that you're finally seeing this.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better mom growing up. I know all these parenting magazines will say that kids need both parents and never to send them to daycare or else they won't turn out alright. For almost all our lives, it's been just you and I, and I went to daycare. I think I turned out just fine. I didn't need a dad, my mom was everything to me. Sure, I went to daycare. But that's where I made most of my friends. Had you never sent me to daycare, I wouldn't have met Levi. We may not have had it all, but we had enough. I was happy. I still am happy. I was an only child raised by a single mom, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. 

Thank you, for being the best mom I could have ever asked for and for being my best friend. I love you, mominator. 

"All of your life you have spent

Burying hurt and regret

But mama, he'll never touch us again

For everytime he tried to break you down

Just remember who's still around

It's over, and we're stronger

And we'll never have to go back again

Oh mother, we're stronger

From all of the tears you have shed

Oh mother, don't look back (oh mother don't look back again)

Cause he'll never hurt us again (cause he'll never hurt us again)

So mother, I thank you (and I thank you for everything you've done)

For all that you've done and still do (together we always move on)

You got me, I got you, (you got me, I got you)

Together we always pull through (always pull through)

We always pull through"

-Christina Aguilera 'Oh Mother'

Dear Crush,

Two days later I'm coming back and editing this. There isn't going to be a letter for day 2. Deal with it.

Dear Best Friend,

Dear Bestfriend,

Rachel Elizabeth Clinefelter. When I met you, I never would have guessed you'd become so important to me. But now, three years later, I can't even imagine going a day without you by my side. I wonder if Ratatouille ever stopped to think about what an awesome thing he did? 

I met you in the summer of 2009. When Melissa and I got to your house, I thought you would be someone I met once, became MySpace friends with and then never talked to again. That is, if your dog didn't eat me whole. But within the first twenty minutes, I realized your Cooper wasn't going to eat me, and you and I were going to become great friends. Also life savers of the mouse community. 

I hated that I met you two weeks before I moved. It gave us limited time to hang out, and that sucked. But saving a mouses life, going to Melissa's graduation, dressing like hookers at Robertitos, riding a purple dinosaur, meeting the scariest man on the planet, getting kicked in the head by pinatas and wearing our highest heels to Killer made my last few days in California amazing.

After I moved, we talked like every second of every day. You helped me through all the things that happened to me there. Anytime my stepdad lost it, you listened. You were there for me through every difficult thing I had thrown my way. When good things happened, you were always the first person I told. Whenever my stepdad would fly off the handle towards the end, you kept me sane with all of our ridiculous escape plans. "Having a brother with a pilots license is great, we can just kidnap him and make him fly us to another country." That was the plan. Nevermind the actually getting ahold of a plane. We'd deal with that later.

Cue our first actual fight. What the fuck was wrong with us? I was moving back in two weeks, and suddenly I wasn't friends with the person I had spent the last year so excited to see first. The rest of 2010 was a lot of ups and downs for us, and I didn't think we would make it through. There was such a huge gap between us, even when things were fine, it was obvious we were both hesitant to let our walls down again. I hated that so much. Then I started hanging out with a crappy group of people, got into drugs and wedged an even bigger wedge between us. But in the end, I think that's also what saved us.

The night I was overdosing, you were the only person I reached out to that honestly helped me. Everyone else gave me either "You're overreacting" or "Just calm down, you're fine." And of course, my favorite, "No, you're fine. I'm on probation. You just have to puke or we'll get in trouble and I'll go to jail." Instead, you bought me bread, a toothbrush and toothpaste. I honestly don't think you realized how important to me that was and still is. I honestly don't think I'd still be here today if it weren't for you.

You tried to hide it, but I could tell that I was disappointing you. We may not have been as close as we were before then, but you were still one of the most important people to me. I knew I was hurting you and letting you down, and after that night, I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed help, and you gave it to me. You may not realize it, but you gave me a second chance. 

The battle of getting sober honestly would have been impossible without you by my side. You've been the one person I can talk to about the night terrors, the shit I see, the depression I had for months, every time I've thought about relapsing, everything. It hasn't been an easy road on either of us, but you've stuck by my side. You've made it easier on me. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.

The last year and three months, we've grown closer than ever before. You and I are basically this strange mix of polar opposites and the same friggen person. We're an odd pair, but I love every minute of it. We've come so far in the last three years. We may not have known each other since we were two, but we really did grow up together. Together we've survived everything life throws at us. We're indestructible. No one truly understands the way I work better than you do. I'm stubborn as fuck and I generally don't listen to advice from other people, but I listen to you. 

Thank you for having a dying mouse in your pool. Thank you for every ridiculous plan we've formulated together. Thank you for listening to me when shit gets tough. Thank you for letting me tell you how I honestly think about everything without judging me. Thank you for every smile. Everytime we've laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Every inside joke. Every silly thing we've done. Thank you for the three and a half cookies. Thank you for sticking by my side when everyone else walked out on me. Thank you for everything. You're the best. I love you. <3

30 day letters

I'm doing the 30 day letter challenge. :)

• 1 - Your Best Friend
• 2 - Your Crush
• 3 - Your parents
• 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
• 5 - Your dreams
• 6 - A stranger
• 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
• 8 - Your favourite internet friend
• 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
• 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
• 11 - A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
• 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
• 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
• 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
• 15 - The person you miss the most
• 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
• 17 - Someone from your childhood
• 18 - The person that you wish you could be
• 19 - Someone that pesters your mind-good or bad
• 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
• 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
• 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
• 23 - The last person you kissed
• 24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory
• 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
• 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
• 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one
• 28 - Someone that changed your life
• 29 - The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
• 30 - Your reflection in the mirror