Hi, I'm Rachel, and I'm currently releasing my inner bitch.

Hi, my name is Rachel Clinefelter, and I've been given the opportunity to guest blog. Rebecca is a my best friend and I love her to pieces. I've been hearing that some "friends" of hers having been using her and screwing her over. That doesn't make me very happy. And this blog is the result of that.


Kelson, you're up first. I'm extremely disappointed in you. 20 years old and still using your friends as taxi?. Here's a suggestion; GET A JOB. Sitting at home in your "batcave" playing video games will not bring in an income for you. If you're going to ask your friends for rides, give them gas money. If you can't do that, start asking your mother for rides. Or an even better idea; start charging for your dick services. You're boning enough girls to bring in quite a nice profit now. You must feel like such an accomplished, successful adult.

Tori. I don't know you well enough to talk shit on you, but I'm going to anyway cause apparently you think it's your place to talk shit on me! Aren't you a darling. C:
You're such a fucking low down cunt. Only whores use their "best friend" to bring over the penis of the day, then leave her on the couch while they get it in. I've got news for you. Shut your fucking thunder thighs and start thinking about someone other than yourself. Rebecca isn't your best friend. She's MY best friend. Why? Because I treasure my friendship with her like none other. I'm there for her 24/7. When she's crying, I'm right there with a box of tissues and 3 1/2 cookies. When she's mad, I'm the one bringing over a punching bag for her. When she wants to give up, I'm going to encourage her until she's back on her feet running again. I don't mooch off her. I don't use her to bring over my booty call. And I don't try setting her up with pathetic little boys. Have some respect for her. Actually, have a little respect for everyone! From what I understand, you're in love with some other guy, but you're boning Kelson. Seems legit. Good luck finding a guy to view you as anything but a piece of meat.
One last thing and I'm done ranting. I recently found out you think I'm a stuck up bitch. I'm not sure what gave you that impression, but let me give you some advice really quick. 1) Don't judge someone before you know them. 2) Keep my name out of your mouth. There's no room for it next to all the dicks you're deep throating. If you thought I was a stuck up bitch before, buckle up to hate me twice as much now.
On that note, have a nice day.

I'm not a fucking taxi.

Ever since I got my license, people seem to think this means my car has become a taxi. NOPE. NOPE IT HAS NOT.

I'm sorry for any misunderstandings, but I am not a taxi driver nor a chauffeur. I could not give a fuck less how you get from point A to point B. this is not my concern, unless you pay for gas.

Today, I'm pissed.

Kelson and Tori are boning, and I seem to look like a taxi driver to them. All they fucking do is use me to get kelson to tori and back home again, then the whole time complain I'm a cock block.

Yknow what guys? FUCK YOU. This is such bullshit you do this to me, and this is the LAST time it will happen. I know I'm supposed to be keeping your relations relatively secret, but you're also supposed to have at least an ounce of respect for me too. And since you're not holding up your end, this is me not holding up mine.

Kelson, this is to be expected of you.

But Tori? This is crap. You call me your "best friend". But you don't treat me like one. When I try to talk to you about stuff, you one word me or change the subject. Yet, I listen to you when you're having problems. And all I get in return is used. Thanks.

It's NEVER "let's you and I hang out." it's always "you me and kelson." and don't get me wrong, I like kelson. But it's shitty of you guys to do this. You make me feel like a 3rd wheel or you straight up say I'm being a cock block.

Last week we made plans. It was gonna be the three of us and Cody. Cody ended up not being able to crash here, so we changed it. Jesse was going to join us. About a few hours later, he bailed. Then ever since you guys have made it ever so obvious that my presence is unwanted.

It even went so far as you invited over some fifteen year old kid I'VE NEVER MET, clearly implanted some idea in his head that something was going to happen. I know you guys think I'm "hopeless" because I haven't gotten laid in a long time. That does NOT in ANY FUCKING WAY mean I want you to pity hook me up with FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS. Do you not fucking realize that I'm NINETEEN?!

I'm so over this crap. So damn over it.

This was inspired by those two, but this is really a message to everyone. I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKING TAXI.

If you want a ride somewhere, GIVE ME GAS MONEY. Like, I don't mind giving rides if you give me adequate gas money.

So next time, Kelson and Tori, don't invite me to spend the night. Just ask me for a ride, hand over gas money, and you don't have to worry about me being a "cock block." Kay? Kay.

Day 11; someone dead you want to talk to.

Dad. That’s a word I never got the chance to call you. Actually, every word is something I never got the chance to call you, since you never stuck around. Why is that, Dad?

I’m going to call you dad through this, that cool with you? Too bad, you’re dead and this is my blog.

One theory I’ve heard from people is that you didn’t want to be a dad. But see, I think that’s bullshit because you sure did stick around when Austin was born. Did you just not want a girl? Was that the problem, dad? Was I already not good enough for you in my first few months of life that you just completely gave up on me? What could I possibly have done in my first year that justified you up and leaving and never once looking back?

I’ve been told that up until when you died you carried a picture of me in your wallet. Was that just to show off? Make you look like you were a loving dad with a damn adorable daughter who you loved oh-so-much? Or was I hidden behind all your credit cards and other pictures? Was I just a reminder that hey, I made this kid and abandoned her? Did you ever regret leaving me? Did you ever think twice?

Say you did regret it later in the years. You died when I was six. So that gave you FIVE YEARS to come back. Give or take, 1,825 days went by that you didn’t call or write. Never once did I get a birthday card. Never once did I get a Christmas card. Every year, each holiday passed, and not a word from you. I didn’t think a whole lot of it when I was little, but now I do.  You couldn’t be bothered to call? My grandparent’s phone number hasn’t changed in like, thirty years. Don’t tell me you could forget that number. You know that’s where mom and I lived after you abandoned us. You knew where I was. You knew how to get ahold of me. You knew the address to mail me a card. How many times did you go to that house? Shit, you married my mom there. You knew how to be in my life, but you deliberately chose not to.  

It wasn’t even just that you were a flake. You not only abandoned me, but you hid from me. Or I guess, from Mom, since I wasn’t sure what child support even meant before age six, but still. Hiding from Mom meant hiding from me too. I honestly probably could have forgiven you for everything else had you not done this. You’ve also forever ruined my relationship with my uncle Jon and aunt Karen. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them endlessly. But I can’t get past the anger I’ve been harboring since childhood over them helping hide you. They knew I existed, they knew mom and I were struggling, they knew what you did, and they pretended they had no idea what you were up to. They out right lied to my mom for you. And try as I might, I can’t forgive them for that. That’s NOT saying I don’t love them. Because ever since you died, they’ve been wonderful to me. Everyone has. Except you.

You did give me amazing grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins though, and a pretty cool brother. By grandparents, I mean Lucky and Norm. Not Don. Sure, he’s your biological dad. But he isn’t shit to me.  When I was little, he said “I have Austin now, and a grandson is all I ever wanted.” And then straight up disowned me. In 2010, he tried to add me on Facebook. When I called him on his shit, he tried to slander my mom; as if I was going to believe some random old man over my life long best friend. So, I went off on him. I later learned that he was trying to make amends because he was dying. I completely belittled a dying man who is by all technical terms, my ‘grandpa’ and you know what? I don’t feel an ounce of shame, two years later. In fact, I’m proud of myself.

I wonder though, would you have tried fixing things if you knew you were going to die? Probably. Like father like son, right?

Grandma Lucky and Grandpa Norm have been great my whole life. They’ve been there through everything, and I love them to no ends. Kirk, Cindy, Jon, Karen, Austin and every single cousin I’ve met are all pretty amazing too. They’ve all more than made up for you ditching me. Basically what I’m saying is, I love the family you gave me. But in no way does that mean I love you, so please don’t take it that way.

You know, Dad, I do owe you a thank you. Thanks for boning my mom and making me. I’m pretty stoked to be alive. That’s kind of an awkward thing to be the only thing I have to thank my dad for, but hey, I appreciate you doing that. You two did good work, I turned out pretty cute. When it comes to Mom, you couldn’t have left me in the hands of a better person. I don’t care what anyone says, I have the best mom in the world. I honestly think that you leaving was a good thing. This meant mom and I would have more time together. We’d face all the challenges of life arm in arm. There wasn’t a husband/dad in the picture to focus on, so we got a lot more bonding time. I think that’s helped us become so close. So thanks for that too. So, I think I just forgave you. Not for everything. I forgive you for leaving. I don’t forgive you for the 1,825+ days between your leaving and your death.

I honestly won’t ever forgive you for those days. You weren’t there for my first steps. You weren’t there for my first words. You weren’t there when I learned how to tie my shoes by myself. You weren’t there when I started preschool. You weren’t there for any birthdays, any Christmases, any Halloweens. You didn’t hide Easter eggs with Mom. You never dropped me off or picked me up from school. You never celebrated A’s on report cards with me. I never made you finger paintings. You always made Father’s Day crafts REALLY awkward for me; I was always the only girl in school making them for my grandpa. You never yelled at me to pick up my toys. You never tripped over my Barbies; never hurt your foot on a random Barbie shoe lodged in the carpet. I always left you out of family drawings. When I got in trouble, you never were there to dish out punishments. You never nagged at me to get ready for bed. You never turned a blind eye when I would (badly) pretend I was asleep so I could watch X-Files late at night with you. You never comforted me after a nightmare. You never endured hours on end of ridiculous children’s shows because it made me happy.  You never tucked me in at night. But Mom did. Mom did all of this. Day in and day out, no matter how much she was hurting, Mom was there for me. But you never were, and you had plenty of opportunity to. And THAT is what I will never forgive you for.

I see your ghost from time to time. In fact, I saw you a little bit ago. I know ghosts hang around until their unfinished business is well, finished. Consider us finished, Dad. You didn’t care when you had the chance, and now it’s MY turn to not care. I sincerely hope this frees you from whatever is holding you to this world. But if it doesn’t, well. That sucks. But I still don’t care. Show yourself to Mom, not me. She’s the one who loved you, not me. But I don’t think she forgives you either. And after everything you did to us, I sincerely hope you don’t expect us to.

Good luck getting where you’re going. Goodbye, Dad.

Day 10; Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like to.

Dear Kelsey,
I miss being friends. It's been like a month now, and I miss you. But I'm never going to swallow my pride and admit that, because I'm an asshole. So I'll just indirectly hope you miss me and still read my blog.

Days 8 & 9

Favorite internet friend and someone I wanna meet. I slacked, and these both apply to Nell, SOOOOO these are both going to her.

Dear Nell.
You're practically my sister and you have been for like three years. But I've never met you in person! WTF IS THIS SHIT?! Nonsense.

But you're one of my favorite people to talk to. You understand my relationship problems, and you hate all the same people for all the same reasons. Plus we have the best inside jokes.
Move to Minnesota with me.

I love you sisterrrr. :D

Dear Exboyfriend/love.

7.27.09. The day you stole my heart. The day I decided I wanted to marry you. The day I fell in love.

I had a crush on you all throughout my first two years of high school. We never talked, and I was about to move. So at the end of sophomore year, I tried putting you to the back of my mind. You and my cousin were both graduating at the summer school graduation. I went for her, and when I saw you walk across the stage, I learned your name for the first time. I was really proud of you, and I smacked Rachel's arm and told her, "that's the boy I've been drooling over all year!" she told me I needed to "hurry up, marry you, and make beautiful children". I pointed out that I should probably know you first. She denied that being necessary.

A few days later was my going away party. I spent most of it in tears, that was the day my best friend of the time decided to drop the bomb that we couldn't ever talk again. Ethan texted me, asked how I was doing. I told him the truth, and he said "im gonna have my friend text you. He's hilarious and he will cheer you up." you texted me and we talked for two days before it clicked who you were. I about died when I put two and two together.

The next day my stepdad brought home the U-Haul. You said you'd help pack it if we could hang out just the once before I left and my parents agreed. We spent the whole morning laughing and when you kissed me, I melted. the rest of the day we spent hiding from my family, stealing kisses and avoiding the inevitable. We spent about 3 minutes fighting over the blue chair in the garage, and when you were like "oh shut up, we can both have it" and pulled me onto your lap, I melted even more. From then on there was no hiding the kisses. The chemistry between us was very obvious, and I later learned that not for a minute did we fool my parents that we were "just friends". The next three days were just like that. I spent every possible minute glued to you. I couldn't get enough. I was so happy, even though I knew it had to end.

Then finally, on the last day, you asked me to be your girlfriend. You promised me we'd make it work. You were gonna move there in December when you turned 18, and everything was going to be okay. I said yes, and then we kissed for an hour. (: that was the happiest moment of my life. Actually it's tied with when you first kissed me.. But still.

And then I moved across the fucking country. I don't remember much about the last night of the drive, but I remember having a panic attack and my mom had to talk you out of driving the 1300 miles, and it was just a panic attack. Sure, that's all it was. But I still wanted you to come... By then I'd been without you for three days and I was over it.

Everything was perfect for about a month and a half. I wore your hoodie everywhere. And when I wasn't wearing your hoodie, I was wearing your shirt. When you gave me your moms necklace, I vowed that one day I would marry you and we would honeymoon in Italy so you could see her again. Then the fighting started. The jealousy turned us into monsters. When we broke up, I cried for days.

After that, we were off and on for the rest of the year. When you would date other girls and say I was like your "little sister", it broke my heart. I dated other guys and called you my "big brother" to get you back, but it never seemed to have quite the same effect. Which broke my heart even harder.

About a month before I was to move back, I learned you had moved to Arizona. I was hoping we would get back together when I got back, but suddenly you were gone. And then, about two months into my being back, you moved back. We got back together and things were perfect.

Well maybe not perfect. We fought a lot over stupid things. But I never stopped loving you. About a month or so later, we broke up. I didn't think it was going to be the final one, but it was. You moved to Idaho for a job, and that was that.

When we broke up, I fell apart. The last year and a half has really sucked without you. I miss everything about you. I miss playing with your hair and stealing your hat and trying and failing at keep away. I miss your smile. I miss you laughing at me. I miss you pretending you were going for a kiss and licking the entire side of my face. I miss when you'd give me a hundred fast kisses in a minute instead of one long one. I miss making ugly cakes with you. I miss falling asleep on you while watching tv. I miss you force feeding me pudding even though you know I hate it. I miss you hating on my cheese consumption. I miss sitting in taco bell making up silly stories about the paintings. I miss everything that used to make me smile, and everything that used to frustrate me about you. I miss you so much.

I know you're back in my life right now, but you're only my friend. I'm still in love with you. I've tried dating other people. I've tried getting over you. But I can't do it. My heart still belongs to you, despite the countless times I've tried to get it back. I still have a playlist of our songs. Forever love. Here by me. Far away. . . You get the picture.

I would give anything to have you back. As my boyfriend. My soul mate. The love of my life. The man im going to marry. I want to hold your hand in the grave. I would even let you name our son Dino.

But I would have to call him dinosaur. House rule. (;

Christopher James Portelli, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you.

Days 5 & 6

Dear dreams:
How the hell do you write a letter to a dream? O____o

Dear stranger:
Let's be friends.

THESE TWO DAYS ARE STUPID.

Dear sibling,

Well, Austin. I can't really write you a long letter like I have everyone else. I don't really know you, and this is a shame considering we share DNA. I really should know you better, but I don't. . .so I don't know what to say. But from what I do know, you're a cool kidd. Stay awesome. Not that you have a choice, it's in our blood. ;)

Dear Mommie,

Mamz, you're my best friend. Ever since before I was born you have been. You ate broccoli for me. That's big.  <3

But in all seriousness, I love the relationship we have. There really isn't a thing I don't tell you, despite how you think I hide things from you sometimes. But I honestly cannot think of a thing that I haven't told you. I don't have to hide who I am or what I believe. Even if you disagree, you support me. Just about all my friends have to be two different people; who they are with their friends and who they are around their parents. I don't have to do that. And I really think that's helped us stay best friends for my whole life. You're not only my mom, but my friend. You've figured out how to be the perfect mix.

You're the strongest person I've ever met. All the things life has thrown at you, you've overcome. No matter how hard the journey has been, you've made it. It hasn't always been easy, but you did it. I admire that, a lot. I've gotten to see the strong side and the weak side of you the most in the last two years. I know how much it sucked in the beginning, but look how far you've come. I know how hard it was to believe me in the beginning when I said we'd be better off without them. But I was right, wasn't I? We are so much better off. We can eat waffles for dinner, say what we want, not get up first thing in the morning, and most importantly not walk on eggshells. We don't get verbally and emotionally beaten down on a nightly basis and you know what? We have fun. You and I have grown a lot closer in the last two years. I know, I miss them sometimes too. But we are a lot better off. And it makes me really happy that you're finally seeing this.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better mom growing up. I know all these parenting magazines will say that kids need both parents and never to send them to daycare or else they won't turn out alright. For almost all our lives, it's been just you and I, and I went to daycare. I think I turned out just fine. I didn't need a dad, my mom was everything to me. Sure, I went to daycare. But that's where I made most of my friends. Had you never sent me to daycare, I wouldn't have met Levi. We may not have had it all, but we had enough. I was happy. I still am happy. I was an only child raised by a single mom, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. 

Thank you, for being the best mom I could have ever asked for and for being my best friend. I love you, mominator. 

"All of your life you have spent

Burying hurt and regret

But mama, he'll never touch us again

For everytime he tried to break you down

Just remember who's still around

It's over, and we're stronger

And we'll never have to go back again

Oh mother, we're stronger

From all of the tears you have shed

Oh mother, don't look back (oh mother don't look back again)

Cause he'll never hurt us again (cause he'll never hurt us again)

So mother, I thank you (and I thank you for everything you've done)

For all that you've done and still do (together we always move on)

You got me, I got you, (you got me, I got you)

Together we always pull through (always pull through)

We always pull through"

-Christina Aguilera 'Oh Mother'

Dear Crush,

Two days later I'm coming back and editing this. There isn't going to be a letter for day 2. Deal with it.

Dear Best Friend,

Dear Bestfriend,

Rachel Elizabeth Clinefelter. When I met you, I never would have guessed you'd become so important to me. But now, three years later, I can't even imagine going a day without you by my side. I wonder if Ratatouille ever stopped to think about what an awesome thing he did? 

I met you in the summer of 2009. When Melissa and I got to your house, I thought you would be someone I met once, became MySpace friends with and then never talked to again. That is, if your dog didn't eat me whole. But within the first twenty minutes, I realized your Cooper wasn't going to eat me, and you and I were going to become great friends. Also life savers of the mouse community. 

I hated that I met you two weeks before I moved. It gave us limited time to hang out, and that sucked. But saving a mouses life, going to Melissa's graduation, dressing like hookers at Robertitos, riding a purple dinosaur, meeting the scariest man on the planet, getting kicked in the head by pinatas and wearing our highest heels to Killer made my last few days in California amazing.

After I moved, we talked like every second of every day. You helped me through all the things that happened to me there. Anytime my stepdad lost it, you listened. You were there for me through every difficult thing I had thrown my way. When good things happened, you were always the first person I told. Whenever my stepdad would fly off the handle towards the end, you kept me sane with all of our ridiculous escape plans. "Having a brother with a pilots license is great, we can just kidnap him and make him fly us to another country." That was the plan. Nevermind the actually getting ahold of a plane. We'd deal with that later.

Cue our first actual fight. What the fuck was wrong with us? I was moving back in two weeks, and suddenly I wasn't friends with the person I had spent the last year so excited to see first. The rest of 2010 was a lot of ups and downs for us, and I didn't think we would make it through. There was such a huge gap between us, even when things were fine, it was obvious we were both hesitant to let our walls down again. I hated that so much. Then I started hanging out with a crappy group of people, got into drugs and wedged an even bigger wedge between us. But in the end, I think that's also what saved us.

The night I was overdosing, you were the only person I reached out to that honestly helped me. Everyone else gave me either "You're overreacting" or "Just calm down, you're fine." And of course, my favorite, "No, you're fine. I'm on probation. You just have to puke or we'll get in trouble and I'll go to jail." Instead, you bought me bread, a toothbrush and toothpaste. I honestly don't think you realized how important to me that was and still is. I honestly don't think I'd still be here today if it weren't for you.

You tried to hide it, but I could tell that I was disappointing you. We may not have been as close as we were before then, but you were still one of the most important people to me. I knew I was hurting you and letting you down, and after that night, I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed help, and you gave it to me. You may not realize it, but you gave me a second chance. 

The battle of getting sober honestly would have been impossible without you by my side. You've been the one person I can talk to about the night terrors, the shit I see, the depression I had for months, every time I've thought about relapsing, everything. It hasn't been an easy road on either of us, but you've stuck by my side. You've made it easier on me. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.

The last year and three months, we've grown closer than ever before. You and I are basically this strange mix of polar opposites and the same friggen person. We're an odd pair, but I love every minute of it. We've come so far in the last three years. We may not have known each other since we were two, but we really did grow up together. Together we've survived everything life throws at us. We're indestructible. No one truly understands the way I work better than you do. I'm stubborn as fuck and I generally don't listen to advice from other people, but I listen to you. 

Thank you for having a dying mouse in your pool. Thank you for every ridiculous plan we've formulated together. Thank you for listening to me when shit gets tough. Thank you for letting me tell you how I honestly think about everything without judging me. Thank you for every smile. Everytime we've laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Every inside joke. Every silly thing we've done. Thank you for the three and a half cookies. Thank you for sticking by my side when everyone else walked out on me. Thank you for everything. You're the best. I love you. <3

30 day letters

I'm doing the 30 day letter challenge. :)

• 1 - Your Best Friend
• 2 - Your Crush
• 3 - Your parents
• 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
• 5 - Your dreams
• 6 - A stranger
• 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
• 8 - Your favourite internet friend
• 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
• 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
• 11 - A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
• 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
• 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
• 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
• 15 - The person you miss the most
• 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
• 17 - Someone from your childhood
• 18 - The person that you wish you could be
• 19 - Someone that pesters your mind-good or bad
• 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
• 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
• 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
• 23 - The last person you kissed
• 24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory
• 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
• 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
• 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one
• 28 - Someone that changed your life
• 29 - The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
• 30 - Your reflection in the mirror

SHT.

You ever have a huge fight with someone, think you're doing just fine, then see their name on Facebook and realize you're really not alright without them. And that makes you sad, and they aren't there to tell them you're sad? Yeah. It sucks. But that's growing up, I guess. 'Cause I know I'm the only one who misses what used to be.

Depression.

Most people don't know this, but I suffer from depression. Most of the time I can think myself out of it. Most of the time, I'm okay during the day. It really only hits me at night now. Which is a HUGE improvement compared to how I used to be.

Depression isn't a state of mind, and it IS NOT something I have done to myself. Do you honestly think that I want to be depressed? NO! I fucking hate it! I try and push it away as much as I can, but since I'm not medicated (I'll explain why in a bit.) I can't really control it. I can only avoid it. And even then, I can only push it away for so long before it catches up with me. When it catches up with me, I'm either out of sorts for a night, or even a full week. This time, I'm closer to a whole week.

I've been told that depression is just a state of mind, I've been told that it's just a mood, I even just got told that I do it to myself. You guys, seriously? It's a disease. It is a mental illness. Will you please look it the fuck up before you try and tell me shit you don't know about? State of minds don't last 8 years. Neither do bad moods. I don't want to have a mental illness, let alone multiple. But I do, and there's nothing I can do to change that short of medication.

I refuse to take medication. Anti-depressants are counter productive and make you MORE depressed. There have been studies that show that they actually make you suicidal. Considering that's what I want to be far away from, that doesn't seem like the best idea. Not to mention, I can't swallow pills.

For some reason, I have it in my head that medication is for crazy people. And if I succumb to the meds, I'll be admiting that I'm crazy. And I don't think I am. I have problems, sure. But I'm OKAY most of the time. I know how to handle myself. But when bad things happen in my life, they all happen at once.

Nightmares. That's what triggered it this time. I had nightmares about my stepdad and stepbrothers. They weren't nightmares in the typical sense, no one got murdered and I wasn't scared. But when I dream about them, I wake up crying. It doesn't matter what happens in the dream, if they're in it, that's all it takes. In fact, the happier the dream, the worse off I am when I wake up. Especially if it involves my former older brother, Trevor. I had this one dream with him last week, and he was here. We were sitting on the hood of my car at that cliff in De Luz that overlooks Temecula. It was just a really, really, really happy dream. We talked about everything, and laughed all the time. Just like how we used to be. When I woke up, I remembered he was gone, and we were never going to have memories like that again. After I cried myself back to sleep, I dreamed about my stepdad. When I woke up, my room smelled like him. I didn't sleep the rest of the night after that. The next night, I had a dream that Trevor and I were in the Hunger Games arena. And he didn't even flinch as he was pulling the trigger on his gun. I watched the bullet flying towards me and the smile on his face was the last thing I saw before I woke up. I didn't sleep after that either.

I've been having nightmares this whole week. A lot involve them, but quite a few other people have been featured as well. The other night, I had a dream about Kenzie. In real life, she's been back home for three weeks. Only one person has gone to see her since. So, in my dream, I was with her and Kayla and we were walking through this really crowded place. Kenzie kept trying to say hi to people, and she was being ignored. Kenz was how she was before the accident, but no one remembered her or even recognized her.  No one acknowledged her. But everyone in my dream was wearing the green 'Pray For Kenzie' bracelets. So it wasn't like she never existed, but they forgot she existed. This went on for quite a while, and then she finally started crying and was saying how upset she was that everyone forgot her. She was telling me how lonely her life is now, and how much it hurts to have everyone forget you. By the end of my dream, she was transforming back to how she currently is now, but before she did, she said "No one remembers me anyway, why keep trying?" I haven't woke up screaming or crying so hard in a really long time. People are moving on with their lives. Time is continuing. Each day that passes, we get farther and farther away from the time the accident happened. It's so close to a year, that I can't believe it. I think this dream hit so hard because it isn't just a nightmare. People really ARE forgetting her. . .

Adding on top of these nightmares, I've had a migraine, Kelsey and I aren't friends anymore, and people are just proving to be really flaky and unreliable.

It's really shitty, because when I'm happy, I have all kinds of people who talk to me. But when I truly need help just getting through the night, I'm alone. Completely alone.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

It's 1998. Levi and I are in the first grade. I don't know him yet, but I see him all the time on the playground. I decide I'm going to know this kid by the time the days over.

Hes playing with his hot wheel cars in the sand at the bottom of the slide, and I'm at the top on the landing of the playground with my barbies. I throw one down the slide, in an effort to get his attention. I don't hit him, but i do get his attention. Of course he's angry, I just chucked a Barbie at him. So he throws his toy car right back at my face. Hits me square in the mouth, causing one tooth to fall out and quite a bit of blood to pour out of of my gums As the blood is dripping down my face, we formed an unbreakable bond.

From that moment on, we have been inseparable. The last fourteen years, this kids been my other half. Throwing a toy at a random kid is the best choice I have ever made. I would be nothing without him.

Every minute I have spent happy, he's been by my side. Every minute spent angry, sad, confused, hurt, you name it, Levi Jeffrey Estrada has been there. He's been the one dependable thing in my life, no matter what is going on. He's supported me through the best and worst times. I wouldn't be here today without him.

I struggled with depression a lot in my younger years. In November of 2006, for irrelevant reasons, I attempted suicide. I stole a bunch of pills and I swallowed them. (this is why I can't swallow pills now, btw.) about a minute later, my phone rings. Levi had no idea I was doing this. No one did. But he called me to see how I was doing. At the sound of his voice, I started crying. I told him I loved him five thousand times, at least. I know he thought I was a weirdo, but like I said, he had no idea what was going on. I told him I'd call him back soon. I hung up the phone and vomited until I was sure the pills were out of my system. I vomited until nothing was coming up. And then I called him back and told him how grateful I was for him. I never told him what happened that day until 4 years later, in 2010. And even then we didn't get into it. Still to this day, he doesn't know the full story.

Had Levi not called me, I wouldn't have remembered that I did have reason to live. I did have reason to fight. I did have someone who loved me, despite the monster I thought I was. I owe every breath I have taken since that day to him. This is the main reason why I won't tolerate anyone in my life who doesn't get along with him. We are a package deal. You can't love me and not love Levi. Without Levi, there would not be a me to love. As it stands right now, I would have been dead for five and a half years. If you didn't know me before the first half of eighth grade, you would NEVER have known I existed, had it not been for this boy.

Levi is everything to me. Since the very first day on the playground. Before the blood on my face was dry, I knew we wouldn't spend a moment apart. I dont mean physically apart. Obviously with him living two hours away that isn't possible. But emotionally.

Everywhere I go, I carry Levi in my heart. I truly believe Levi is my soul mate. Now, before people start thinking this is some confession of in loveness, I'd like to point out that I don't mean that in the typical sense. I dont believe soul mates have to have a romantic level to them. Clearly, Levi and I don't. We go boy hunting together.

But I believe Levi's my soul mate. My soul and his are intertwined. You can't have just me without aspects of him. You can't have just him without aspects of me. Honestly, I don't even know which personality traits started as my own or I inherited from him and vice versa. Without him, I would truly be broken. My soul would be ripped into pieces. I do not know how to live without him. Nor do I want to learn.

Our friendship isn't a pushy one. It isn't one sided. It isn't stressful. It isn't one where either of us have to hide who we truly are. Not that we could since we're basically the same person, yknow. But still. It isn't one where we lie to save the others feelings. It isn't one where we even sugar coat. It isn't a friendship that we have to force. We don't preach at each other. We don't lecture. We don't try to change each others ways. If something makes one of us happy, the other supports us. We'll defend each other, right or wrong, to the very end. We're in this together, forever. Levi is my bestfriend, my partner in SOOO many crimes, my personal comedian, the one person who knows me like I know me, my reason to smile when things get tough, the person who listens, TRULY listens and remembers, my very best friend, my rock, my hero, my soul mate, my other half.

And that my friends, is how all friendships should be.

I love you Levi. 1998-forever.

A diploma is a piece of paper, not a ticket to maturity.

When I was in high school, everyone told me not to grow up too fast. They told me to enjoy it while I could, that it was going to end faster than I thought it would. I told these people they were nuts, and if I could just kindly graduate and get the fuck in the real world, I would be happy.

Freshman year, I procrastinated. I failed just about every class I had, even the easy ones. Graduation seemed like an eternity away, and it was just something that didn't matter to me. Graduation wasn't even in the realm of possibility for me at this point.

Sophomore year, I got my shit together a little bit. I tried harder in some classes, but still managed to fail quite a few. I only tried in the classes I liked and for the teachers I got along with. Everything else, serious procrastination. I wouldn't even try. Especially with geometry. I wouldn't pay attention in class. I would talk to Kezzi and Gilbert all period, I'd write notes to my other friends, I'd draw, text, anything to avoid actually paying attention to what Mr. Willess was saying. And then I'd get home and get pissed off at Mr. Willess when I couldn't understand the homework. Needless to say, I failed geometry. WITH THE LOWEST PERCENTAGE THAT MR. WILLESS HAD EVER GIVEN OUT IN HIS 30+ YEARS OF TEACHING. I don't really know why, but I was proud of that.

Junior year, I moved. I moved to a brand new high school, in a brand new town, in a brand new state, half way across the country. Fergus was where I realized I needed to really get my shit together. Fergus High was SOOOOO much less stressful than Fallbrook High. Montana's academic standards are a lot less intense than the California ones, and that alleviated a lot of my stress. I had absolutely awesome teachers, and I got along with all of them. I became friends with most of my teachers. There wasn't just the 'student-teacher' relationship. The teachers in Fergus actually made an effort to know you on a personal level. You weren't someone they just threw lectures and homework at. Mrs. Lewis was my favorite. I could talk to her like we've been friends forever. I loved my teachers. Even the attendance secretary, Andra, was my friend. I would go to the office just to say hi to her. Halfway through the year, Andra left and some other lady took her place. I don't remember the other lady's name, and even though she was my best friends cousin or something, I didn't like her. She wasn't Andra, so I despised her. Not really fair, but oh well. Even the vice principal, Mr. Majerus wasn't too bad. Except when he was dress coding me. I liked the atmosphere and the teachers better, so I tried harder. I passed all but one class.

Senior year, I rocked. I moved back to California, and I went to Ivy. Initially, I was scared to go to Ivy. That school has a reputation around town for being particularly dangerous. Ivy is known as the school for the drug addicts, the 2nd chance drop outs, the gang members, the failures, and the teen moms. I was certain I was going to piss off the wrong person and get my ass kicked within the first week. Good news, I didn't.  :) I ended up actually getting a long with everyone. The teacher everyone hated, Mrs. Cawley, was my favorite. I ended up passing every class, and graduating on time with a $200 scholarship, after spending the whole year on honor roll or Principals honor roll.

And now, I'm graduated. A lot of people seem to think that receiving that diploma changed me. Well, sorry, but it really didn't.

Yes, I graduated high school and I have a diploma to prove it. I'm stoked that I actually managed to pull it off. However, it's just a piece of paper to me. Getting my diploma didn't make me an adult any more than getting my license turned me into a taxi driver. It's an accomplishment, a great one at that. I'm proud of me. But at the end of the day, it's still just a piece of paper.

Everyone demands so much responsibility and maturity from me. My mom doesn't think I should ever go out with my friends and have fun. It's a constant "Well, why didn't you do this this and this? Why isn't this this and this cleaned?" Etc, etc, etc. . .

I'm still a kid. I still like going out and doing stupid things with my friends. I listen to my music too loud. I sleep til two pm. I get stoked over swingsets and playgrounds. I cry when characters in my books die. I motherfucking love coloring books.

Don't get me wrong, I know how to be mature when I need to be. But it won't take over my whole life. I would really like to enjoy my life. I want to have fun, so I'm going to.

Experiences are what mature me, not pieces of paper. I'm sorry if that's a difficult concept for you, but walking across a stage and getting a piece of paper handed to me DIDN'T CHANGE ME. All it really changed was that I don't have to get up at 6am to get ready for school anymore. Please realize this.

Fuck studying.

I should be studying. Instead, I'm stealing surveys off tumblr. YOLO.

1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
Green.

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
White.

3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
If I trusted any of my friends with a sharpie to my back, I would end up with a dick drawn on me. No question.

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
Small town by Cali standards, but still pretty big. And I did before I lived somewhere better.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
Probably Megan Sullivans mom, Colleen. That lady is awesome.

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
MANGO. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK.

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
When I fell off the monkey bars. ):

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Uh. Every single day of middle school was embarrassing.

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
Uuuuhhh. My whole freshman year.

10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
Pirates. But I have a really cool ninja jacket...

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
Nope.

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
LOVE. And you bet your ass I do.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
A MOTHA FUCKING MOOSE.

14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
DAT ASS.

15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
All of it. My personality is awesome.

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
Gaga, bitch. I love her. <3

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
Never even watched a little bit of it.

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
Kinda. Some football game was on on new years 09, i glanced at it in the middle of eating tortillas and losing my pants. (still don't know what happened to those.)

19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
The California burrito at colimas.

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Butter. And margarine.

21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
No milk because that's icky. And no I didn't!

22: Which continents have you been on?
Just north America, I'm boring.

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
Noooope and nope.

24: Backpacks or satchels?
Don't care.

25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
Yes. Yes. And yes. I actually used to own checkered pants!

26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Rugrats!

27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
Pig. Because they're cuter. And if I get mad at it, I get bacon.

28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
Seattle. Seattle has the most beautiful skyline.

29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
The one I'll be on this summer, because itll be my first.

30: The latest you've ever slept?
All day.

31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
HELL YEAH.

32: Do you pick at scabs?
I do. XD

33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
...the squished up ones you get at Mexican restaurants.

34: How far can you throw a baseball?
Ahaha like two feet.

35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
Canada.

36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
Lol silly, Ethiopians don't have food. But no to all of the above.

37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
Whichever is cheaper, cause I'm a broke ass.

38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
One with love AND sex.

39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
Nowhere near enough.

40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
Yes and yes!

41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
Nooo.

42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
I do indeed!

43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
Zombie bride!!

44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
.....oh survey you obviously don't know that I haven't had my natural hair color since fifth grade. But yes I currently want to do it bright red and black.

45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
Yes and yes!

46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
Why do I get the feeling you're judging me survey...

47: City or nature person?
Nature.

48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
Ballpoint pen as eyeliner! Not my wisest choice buuuut it worked.

49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
Not really.

50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!
- I'm really good at doing hair.
- I love learning about serial killers.
- giving me a hoodie is the way to my heart.
- pretty sure green tea runs through my veins instead of blood.
- my car has a buttcrack.

Liking pictures on Facebook doesn't make you a good person.

I'm SO damn tired of my news feed being raped with these things;

1.) "Like for heaven, ignore for hell" / "Like for Jesus / ignore for Satan"
2.) "Like if you would answer" (Includes a fake iPhone screenshot of 'Jesus/God' calling.)
3.) "Like if you wish cancer didn't exist"
4.) "One like = one prayer!"
5.) "If you don't repost this horribly depressing picture, you're heartless!"
6.) (In the 'Most Beautiful Teen Contest') All the "Like if you think she's beautiful" pictures of cancer patients/ war vets with deformities caused by various things in the war.
7.) Actually, just ALL of that damn Most Beautiful Teen Contest.
8.) Joseph Kony.
9.) Treyvon Martin.
10.) People who obsess over telling you they're 90's kids.
And here is why!

1.) "Like for heaven, ignore for hell" / "Like for Jesus / ignore for Satan"
So there's a way to count the number of votes for Jesus/Heaven, but not for Satan/Hell. Say a person with 700 friends reposts it. And 10 of there friends like it, but the other 690 ignore it. So that's ten votes for Heaven/Jesus, but 690 for Hell/Satan. Sorry, but looks like Hell and Satan win that round.

2.) "Like if you would answer" (Includes a fake iPhone screenshot of 'Jesus/God' calling.)
Why the fuck would Jesus call you? He's telepathic. Plus, with how many Jesus freaks there are out there, if his phone number got leaked, it would end with more calls than if a celebs phone number got leaked. Shit would get CRAAAAAY!!


3.) "Like if you wish cancer didn't exist"
Uhm. . . are there people who are happy cancer exists? Because y'know, call me crazy, but I kinda thought it went without saying that we all wished cancer didn't exist.

4.) "One like = one prayer!"
Uhm, no. One like equals one like. One prayer equals one prayer. Completely different things. That's like saying one Cheezit = one Dr. Pepper. (that's what I'm eating and drinking right now.) And if I were to say that, people would be like "Are you stupid? Cheezits and Dr. Pepper are TOTALLY DIFFERENT." That's precisely my point. You can like and pray, just like I can have cheezits and Dr. Pepper. But they're not interchangeable.

5.) "If you don't repost this horribly depressing picture, you're heartless!" 
Uh, no. More like "If you laugh or get pleasure out of this horribly depressing picture, you're heartless." I have a heart, and I use it to not depress the fuck out of everyone in my life. No one wants to log into Facebook and see depressing pictures!! And if you do, you've got issues.

6.) (In the 'Most Beautiful Teen Contest') All the "Like if you think she's beautiful" pictures of cancer patients/ war vets with deformities caused by various things in the war.
The only reason you're liking these pictures, is because you think you look like a good person. Using death or diseases to get sympathy to win some stupid internet contest is sickening.

7.) Actually, just ALL of that damn Most Beautiful Teen Contest.
Why do people care so much what strangers on the internet think of them...? Is your life so pitiful that that actually matters to you? Get some self esteem, please.

8.) Joseph Kony.
HE ISN'T EVEN IN UGANDA. Half the people who claim to care about this shit couldn't even tell you where Uganda IS. But, hey look. He wasn't captured, and people STOPPED CARING. It was just a fad, and everyone who bought into it is stupid.

9.) Treyvon Martin;
Yes, it's sad. Very sad that he died. But the fact of the matter is, we DON'T know if he was innocently just walking. He had to have said something that provoked Zimmerman. I didn't say he's a saint, but he probably wasn't totally innocent either. The only reason you guys are making such a big deal out of this is because a white/mexican guy shot a black guy. It's all race.

10.)  People who obsess over telling you they're 90's kids.
NO ONE CARES. You know how many people were born in the timespan of ten years? You're not fucking special.

You're not a superfan, you're a douche.

Y'know what gets the fuck on my nerves? People who get so obsessed with a band/artist that they become dicks to anyone else who likes the band/artist. Otherwise known as "superfans" or as I like to call them, "supercunts."

I see this all over Tumblr, YouTube and even Facebook.

"You're not a true fan unless you liked them before such and such date." or "You're not a true fan if you listen to this other artist also." Or "you're not a true fan unless you own every single CD, and since you don't, you can't wear their shirt." 

And of course, the most famous example of this, Skrillex. "You're not a true Skrillex fan if you didn't like/know him when he was Sonny Moore." OKAY, WHAT?! First of all, Skrillex is NOT this dude's legal name, nor is he an entirely different human so guess what! HE'S FUCKING STILL SONNY MOORE, YOUR ARGUMENT IS SHIT, AND YOU ARE A CUNT. Same thing for "If you didn't like him in From First To Last, you're not a real Skrillex fan." I hate to state the obvious, buuuuuuuuut, From First To Last  and Skrillex are completely different types of music!! Just, shut up.

Also, sorry Mel, but you won't like this next bit.

Metalheads annoy the fuck out of me. Not all, but the ones who are like so instant that their music is better than everyone elses. "BUT IT IS!" shout the metal heads. "FUCK OFF!" I shout back. I don't fucking care how hardcore you think you are. My mom was a true metalhead, back in the 80s when this music came out. And I've told my mom about today's "metalheads" and her exact words were, "True metalheads kicked the shit out of dumbasses like that." Thank you, mother. 

Tonight, I saw on Tumblr some blonde chick wearing a Slayer shirt she got at Urban Outfitters. Quite a few people reblogged it and said a bunch of really rude shit about her. Apparently, judging by this ONE PICTURE they could tell she's some big poser and all that. And they were all making fun of her saying she isn't a real fan. . . 

WHY IS YOUR LIFE SO PATHETIC THAT THESE THINGS ACTUALLY MATTER TO YOU?!

Like honestly.  Some girl on the internet - ONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW - wants to wear a shirt of a band you like. Okay, tell me. How does this effect your life at all? And if it does, YOU NEED TO RE-EVALUATE YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Personally? I fucking LOVE Anti-Flag. But I don't dress like a punk or listen to any other punk music. I own every single album they've made, seen them in concert and have more than one thing autographed by them. But since I don't dress or act like a punk, I'm not a fan. By Mel and her friends' logic, that is. Well, that logic is bullshit, 'cause I motherfucking love Anti-Flag. 

The point I'm trying to make is this. At the end of the day when you go to lay down and sleep, if other people's music and clothing choices cause this much of a ruckuss in your life, you need to reevaluate yourself. If the girl in that picture doesn't listen to Slayer, then she's going to come out looking like a fucking idiot in the end anyway. But the bigger possibility here is this, she's like me and Anti-Flag. She likes/loves, but doesn't obsess. And y'know what? She probably isn't a cunt. 

Dear "superfans", 

No one cares about your "superfan"ish-ness.

We all think you're a supercunt.

Everyone does, except your fellow supercunts.

Please suck my dick and grow up.

Thank you, have a nice day.

-Rebecca & the rest of the world.

I&apos;m spending the summer in Montana.

If I get another job, I'm quitting when schools out. . . Because I'll be spending the summer in Montana.

Lewistown kids, don't get super stoked just yet. I'll be in Ronan, which is over by kalispel.

My father was never around in my life. But his parents and brothers were. I feel like I need to get closer to that side of my family. I miss them a lot. I talk to my uncles on Facebook, but my grandparents are technologically impaired, so they don't even have a computer. I've never been good with phone calls, so we aren't as close as I'd like us to be.

Anyway, I decided I'm going to spend the summer with them. I might even go on a ride with my uncle Kirk, who's a semi driver. It seems like it'd be fun.

I still haven't talked the idea over with my grandparents or my mom, but we've been talking about me spending a summer there since I was a little kid. I wanna do it though.

So, I won't be spending the whole summer in Lewistown, though I will visit there quite often. At least one week a month I'll be there. And I'll definately be at the shake it for Kenzie.

I'll also be moving the date of mine closer to spring. I'm thinking mid may. That's still in the works though.

So, thats my plan. And I'm hopefully gonna do it. It feels good making this plan. :3

I wanna leave at the end of may, and come back in late August. I'm stoked. :D