A lot has happened in the last two months.
And I've changed a lot.
Closed myself off.
And realized none of you care like you claimed to.
That being said...
I don't feel like blogging anymore, so this is it.
Goodbye.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Shanananananananerz.
The other night, there was kind of a misunderstanding and Shannen got pissy and was being kind of an asshole and was kinda trying to start a fight, and I walked away from it and told her to stop many times so we wouldn't fight. Even though it happened at like one in the morning, apparently quite a few people saw, because I've been asked multiple times, "what the fuck happened to Becca?!"
Yes, I know normally that I wouldn't do that. Normally when people are trying to be assholes to me, I'm an asshole right back. I don't normally care who it is or what it's about, I have to be right all the time. I have to make sure my point is heard, and I have to have the last word. I don't care what price I have to pay, who I lose or whatever. This is absolutely my biggest flaw. I've lost a lot of friends this way, and then been to proud to admit that I was being an asshole and that I miss them.
And I didn't want that to happen with Shannen. . . again.
When we first met, we were constantly fighting. I was set in the mindset that she was an awful person. The people I knew that knew her all had bad things to say about her. I never took into consideration that the people who were saying bad things about her were batshit insane, over dramatic, lying cunts.
And then one day, Kelson tried to get us to fight because we were both commenting on some post on Facebook. Ironically enough, that was the day we became friends. For real.
I remember during the first like two weeks, we had made some joke about how crazy would it be if we became like super best friends and moved to another state and became roommates. (It's a little ironic now, because that is EXACTLY what we're doing.)
And then came the idea of her coming to California for Warped Tour. Originally it was just gonna be for a few days, and then we wanted to explode things on the 4th of July, soooo we extended it to two weeks. And that was the best freaking decision ever.
This whole time since Kelson tried to get us to fight, Shannen and I have become really close. Not only when she was here, but on the plane ride back to Montana, and then the like fifteen hours we spent in the car together over the course of a week driving through Central Montana really helped too.
When I was in Montana and everything was falling apart, everyone else said "you can get through this". But she didn't. She said, "we can get through this." And I don't think she realized how big of a deal that was. She was the first person who really made me feel like I wasn't completely alone in all that.
Shannen is one of the best friends I've ever had. I honestly would be sooooo lost without her. She gets me in ways other people never have before. She understands me at my craziest, and that's a pretty big deal.
So no, I didn't fight back when she was being grumpy. Because it wasn't anything that was worth losing one of the best people in my life. I know that when I get pissed, I say things I don't mean, and I'm a raging bitch. Her and I have been there before. And I never want to go back to that. I don't want to hurt her feelings again. I don't want to make her cry again. I wasn't exactly happy with myself when I made her cry before, when we couldn't stand each other. I couldn't imagine doing it now that we're best friends.
So, what got into me? A friendship I wanna keep. There aren't very many people left who are of much importance in my life, but she is one of them. We may have had a shitty start, but we aren't going to have a shitty future. We're gonna make the best freaking life possible. And we're gonna do it together.
You know, we need each other. We balance each other out. She reminds me that I'm not alone if I don't wanna be alone, and even if I do, tough shit because she's not going to let me be a mopey bitch by myself. She helps me remember that there really are people out there who DO care, despite what my shitty mood wants me to believe. She's teaching me to be nicer, because not everyone was raised as thick skinned as I was. And I'm there to remind her of all the same things, but I'm also teaching her how to be a little more thick skinned and how to say "FUCK YOU!" to people bringing her down.
Yes, I know normally that I wouldn't do that. Normally when people are trying to be assholes to me, I'm an asshole right back. I don't normally care who it is or what it's about, I have to be right all the time. I have to make sure my point is heard, and I have to have the last word. I don't care what price I have to pay, who I lose or whatever. This is absolutely my biggest flaw. I've lost a lot of friends this way, and then been to proud to admit that I was being an asshole and that I miss them.
And I didn't want that to happen with Shannen. . . again.
When we first met, we were constantly fighting. I was set in the mindset that she was an awful person. The people I knew that knew her all had bad things to say about her. I never took into consideration that the people who were saying bad things about her were batshit insane, over dramatic, lying cunts.
And then one day, Kelson tried to get us to fight because we were both commenting on some post on Facebook. Ironically enough, that was the day we became friends. For real.
I remember during the first like two weeks, we had made some joke about how crazy would it be if we became like super best friends and moved to another state and became roommates. (It's a little ironic now, because that is EXACTLY what we're doing.)
And then came the idea of her coming to California for Warped Tour. Originally it was just gonna be for a few days, and then we wanted to explode things on the 4th of July, soooo we extended it to two weeks. And that was the best freaking decision ever.
This whole time since Kelson tried to get us to fight, Shannen and I have become really close. Not only when she was here, but on the plane ride back to Montana, and then the like fifteen hours we spent in the car together over the course of a week driving through Central Montana really helped too.
When I was in Montana and everything was falling apart, everyone else said "you can get through this". But she didn't. She said, "we can get through this." And I don't think she realized how big of a deal that was. She was the first person who really made me feel like I wasn't completely alone in all that.
Shannen is one of the best friends I've ever had. I honestly would be sooooo lost without her. She gets me in ways other people never have before. She understands me at my craziest, and that's a pretty big deal.
So no, I didn't fight back when she was being grumpy. Because it wasn't anything that was worth losing one of the best people in my life. I know that when I get pissed, I say things I don't mean, and I'm a raging bitch. Her and I have been there before. And I never want to go back to that. I don't want to hurt her feelings again. I don't want to make her cry again. I wasn't exactly happy with myself when I made her cry before, when we couldn't stand each other. I couldn't imagine doing it now that we're best friends.
So, what got into me? A friendship I wanna keep. There aren't very many people left who are of much importance in my life, but she is one of them. We may have had a shitty start, but we aren't going to have a shitty future. We're gonna make the best freaking life possible. And we're gonna do it together.
You know, we need each other. We balance each other out. She reminds me that I'm not alone if I don't wanna be alone, and even if I do, tough shit because she's not going to let me be a mopey bitch by myself. She helps me remember that there really are people out there who DO care, despite what my shitty mood wants me to believe. She's teaching me to be nicer, because not everyone was raised as thick skinned as I was. And I'm there to remind her of all the same things, but I'm also teaching her how to be a little more thick skinned and how to say "FUCK YOU!" to people bringing her down.
Lately it feels like it's truly us against the world.
And I couldn't have asked for a better sidekick.
I love you, Shananananananerz. <3
Saturday, July 28, 2012
How am I handling things?
The last month or so has been, to say the least, quite a roller coaster for me. July has never been a good month for me, and 2012 sure didn't differ. This month isn't even over yet and already it's sucked a pretty big one. So far, I've lost the support of my family in everything I do, my grandpa still hasn't said a word to me since days before I left for Montana, my grandma and I's relationship has changed, my mom's said a lot of shit that's really hurt me and truly damaged our relationship, I was in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce, I had to hear my brother straight refuse to see me, the anniversary of Kenzie's accident, I saw Kenzie for the first time, I learned the hard way who is and isn't a good friend, I came home to a family who really didn't give a fuck I was back, my car is breaking, and I hurt SeeJay.
So the question I've been getting asked is, how am I handling things? To this, I always say some variation of "I'm fine." That's a loaded question with a loaded answer. Truthfully, I don't know how I'm handling them, because I'm not letting myself feel. I am fine, but only because I'm suppressing everything. I know that if I let myself feel all the hurt and heartbreak, I will fall apart. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate being at the point where I fall apart. I avoid it at all costs. I know that bottling things up isn't healthy, but that's just what I do.
It used to be that my mom and grandparents were everything to me. I chose to hang out with them rather than to go out with my friends. Most of my friends don't even know my family's names, they're known as Mom, Granny and Gramps to everyone. My world revolved around my family. And to have them so quick to drop me, well, it sucks. At first, it was destroying me. I felt like my heart was being ripped out, and I would catch myself crying instantly anytime the thought of any of them popped into my head. But then one night after a particularly bad fight with my mom, I realized that if it's so easy for them to throw me away over something so absolutely stupid, then we obviously weren't the air tight family I thought we were. And then, I shut myself off. I went from being sad anytime I thought of them to now I'm just angry anytime I think of them. I used to be crippled with fear and guilt anytime I thought about moving across the street, and now I'm making plans to move across the country and I feel nothing but excitement.
Being in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce really enforced the fact that I'm not as okay with it as I pretend to be. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The town looks like I never left. I don't know what I was expecting, but I absolutely wasn't expecting it to be that much the same. I see all the places in town that we went as a family or that my brother and I have a memory at - and in a town that small, I have memories just about everywhere. I kept expecting to see my stepdad or brothers, and when I finally did see my older brothers truck, I felt my heart break. I went to pick up my friend Devin from his house, and Trevor was at Devin's house. Devin asked him if he would come out and talk to me for just five minutes so I could get some answers and move on with my life. I heard Trevor refuse. That knocked the wind outta me. I felt like I got hit in the chest with a brick. Holding myself together right then was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He wouldn't come outside when I picked up Devin, but his truck was in the driveway. He was on the other side of the wall from me, and he wouldn't come outside to see me. It's a lot easier to pretend you're okay with him not being in your life when you're 1300 miles away. Being so close. . . well, that put me right back where I started on healing my broken heart.
Seeing Kenzie in person is SO much harder than on Facebook. The last year hasn't prepared me for how hard it really was. It didn't prepare me at all. Being around Kenzie and having her not laughing or talking about some random thing, not rapping Lil Wayne, not nagging me to join FFA, not smiling with all her teeth showing. . . it's not right. I knew that it was going to be like that. I wasn't expecting her to be doing these things. But I also wasn't expecting her to be so quiet and so still. I didn't handle it well. I didn't see her as much as I should've, and I will always regret that. I'm not going to make excuses for myself like everyone else has, but I will see her more when I move back.
I lost a few friends, but the only ones that it really sucked to lose was Kayla and Sammypants. With Kayla, that was entirely my fault, but I don't feel like it's a permanent thing. Just for now during the pissed-off-cool-down period. But Sam? That one really sucked. I always thought Sam to be one of the better people in my life. One of the people I could trust. One of the people who genuinely cared about me. And then to hear the things he said about me, that really was shitty. It actually made me cry to hear that someone who I considered so close thought of me that way. When I tried to ask him about it, he ignored me. So, it's pretty obvious that I was the only one who cared about that friendship, and that's always a shitty thing to realize.
With Seejay and I, you can all quit with your assumptions. Nothing "happened". He's still one of my best friends ever. I'm just not at an emotional level that I can handle a relationship right now. He deserves the best, and right now I don't feel that I'm the best for him. Maybe we'll find our way back to one another in the future, maybe we won't. I'm done trying to predict my future, and I'm done making promises. Right now we're best friends, and we're just going with the flow. If you guys could PLEASE respect that, I would really appreciate it. I don't want to be asked what happened, I don't want people to jump to conclusions, I don't want to hear any negativity about him, and no more "You guys were so perfect, get back together!". I don't know what the future holds for us, and I'm not going to force anything. I need to focus on myself and put my life back together before I can even think about a relationship.
Now, it hasn't been all negative. There's a lot of people who've been really fantastic to me.
Shannen Tarlton; I completely misjudged this girl when I first met her. I'm so happy that we got past all of the crap between us in the beginning, because Shanannananananen is one of the best friends ever. The heart to hearts we have always make me feel soooo much better. I feel comfortable telling her things I've never told anyone else, and I know she doesn't judge me. She's a great person, and I'm so happy to call her my best friend and soon to be roommate.<3
Eddie Damschen; I just met him about a week ago at a bonfire in Lewistown. I was in a really crappy mood when I first got there, and then I met Eddie. Throughout the night, he made me laugh, smile, and gave me a bunch of random hugs. He was totally wasted, so there was no way he could've known how much those hugs meant to me, but they changed my whole night around. He showed me that sometimes strangers care more than family, and he's been nothing but fantastic to me. I'm so happy I met him and have him in my life now. :)
Chance Whisler & Cody Fassbender; Neither of you will ever know how much the heart to hearts we had meant to me. Thank you guys for being the best.
This is going to be the last of the negativity. Any hardships I come across with any of the stuff I talked about, I will deal with on my own. I'm not going to let myself hurt anymore. I'm going to smile. I'm going to work my ass off in school and get straight A's. I'm going to work my ass off and save up all my money and take my ass to Missoula as soon as the snow melts. This is the last I'm letting other people control my life and my emotions. I'm taking control now. Family, friends, strangers; you can be supportive or you can be gone. I won't be keeping anyone in my life if they don't deserve to be in it. I'm stronger than this. I deserve better than this. And I WILL make damn sure my life changes direction now. I spent far too long living for everyone else. Now, I'm living for me.
So the question I've been getting asked is, how am I handling things? To this, I always say some variation of "I'm fine." That's a loaded question with a loaded answer. Truthfully, I don't know how I'm handling them, because I'm not letting myself feel. I am fine, but only because I'm suppressing everything. I know that if I let myself feel all the hurt and heartbreak, I will fall apart. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate being at the point where I fall apart. I avoid it at all costs. I know that bottling things up isn't healthy, but that's just what I do.
It used to be that my mom and grandparents were everything to me. I chose to hang out with them rather than to go out with my friends. Most of my friends don't even know my family's names, they're known as Mom, Granny and Gramps to everyone. My world revolved around my family. And to have them so quick to drop me, well, it sucks. At first, it was destroying me. I felt like my heart was being ripped out, and I would catch myself crying instantly anytime the thought of any of them popped into my head. But then one night after a particularly bad fight with my mom, I realized that if it's so easy for them to throw me away over something so absolutely stupid, then we obviously weren't the air tight family I thought we were. And then, I shut myself off. I went from being sad anytime I thought of them to now I'm just angry anytime I think of them. I used to be crippled with fear and guilt anytime I thought about moving across the street, and now I'm making plans to move across the country and I feel nothing but excitement.
Being in Lewistown for the first time since the divorce really enforced the fact that I'm not as okay with it as I pretend to be. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The town looks like I never left. I don't know what I was expecting, but I absolutely wasn't expecting it to be that much the same. I see all the places in town that we went as a family or that my brother and I have a memory at - and in a town that small, I have memories just about everywhere. I kept expecting to see my stepdad or brothers, and when I finally did see my older brothers truck, I felt my heart break. I went to pick up my friend Devin from his house, and Trevor was at Devin's house. Devin asked him if he would come out and talk to me for just five minutes so I could get some answers and move on with my life. I heard Trevor refuse. That knocked the wind outta me. I felt like I got hit in the chest with a brick. Holding myself together right then was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He wouldn't come outside when I picked up Devin, but his truck was in the driveway. He was on the other side of the wall from me, and he wouldn't come outside to see me. It's a lot easier to pretend you're okay with him not being in your life when you're 1300 miles away. Being so close. . . well, that put me right back where I started on healing my broken heart.
Seeing Kenzie in person is SO much harder than on Facebook. The last year hasn't prepared me for how hard it really was. It didn't prepare me at all. Being around Kenzie and having her not laughing or talking about some random thing, not rapping Lil Wayne, not nagging me to join FFA, not smiling with all her teeth showing. . . it's not right. I knew that it was going to be like that. I wasn't expecting her to be doing these things. But I also wasn't expecting her to be so quiet and so still. I didn't handle it well. I didn't see her as much as I should've, and I will always regret that. I'm not going to make excuses for myself like everyone else has, but I will see her more when I move back.
I lost a few friends, but the only ones that it really sucked to lose was Kayla and Sammypants. With Kayla, that was entirely my fault, but I don't feel like it's a permanent thing. Just for now during the pissed-off-cool-down period. But Sam? That one really sucked. I always thought Sam to be one of the better people in my life. One of the people I could trust. One of the people who genuinely cared about me. And then to hear the things he said about me, that really was shitty. It actually made me cry to hear that someone who I considered so close thought of me that way. When I tried to ask him about it, he ignored me. So, it's pretty obvious that I was the only one who cared about that friendship, and that's always a shitty thing to realize.
With Seejay and I, you can all quit with your assumptions. Nothing "happened". He's still one of my best friends ever. I'm just not at an emotional level that I can handle a relationship right now. He deserves the best, and right now I don't feel that I'm the best for him. Maybe we'll find our way back to one another in the future, maybe we won't. I'm done trying to predict my future, and I'm done making promises. Right now we're best friends, and we're just going with the flow. If you guys could PLEASE respect that, I would really appreciate it. I don't want to be asked what happened, I don't want people to jump to conclusions, I don't want to hear any negativity about him, and no more "You guys were so perfect, get back together!". I don't know what the future holds for us, and I'm not going to force anything. I need to focus on myself and put my life back together before I can even think about a relationship.
Now, it hasn't been all negative. There's a lot of people who've been really fantastic to me.
Shannen Tarlton; I completely misjudged this girl when I first met her. I'm so happy that we got past all of the crap between us in the beginning, because Shanannananananen is one of the best friends ever. The heart to hearts we have always make me feel soooo much better. I feel comfortable telling her things I've never told anyone else, and I know she doesn't judge me. She's a great person, and I'm so happy to call her my best friend and soon to be roommate.<3
Eddie Damschen; I just met him about a week ago at a bonfire in Lewistown. I was in a really crappy mood when I first got there, and then I met Eddie. Throughout the night, he made me laugh, smile, and gave me a bunch of random hugs. He was totally wasted, so there was no way he could've known how much those hugs meant to me, but they changed my whole night around. He showed me that sometimes strangers care more than family, and he's been nothing but fantastic to me. I'm so happy I met him and have him in my life now. :)
Chance Whisler & Cody Fassbender; Neither of you will ever know how much the heart to hearts we had meant to me. Thank you guys for being the best.
This is going to be the last of the negativity. Any hardships I come across with any of the stuff I talked about, I will deal with on my own. I'm not going to let myself hurt anymore. I'm going to smile. I'm going to work my ass off in school and get straight A's. I'm going to work my ass off and save up all my money and take my ass to Missoula as soon as the snow melts. This is the last I'm letting other people control my life and my emotions. I'm taking control now. Family, friends, strangers; you can be supportive or you can be gone. I won't be keeping anyone in my life if they don't deserve to be in it. I'm stronger than this. I deserve better than this. And I WILL make damn sure my life changes direction now. I spent far too long living for everyone else. Now, I'm living for me.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Changed.
This trip has changed my life in so many ways. To the outside eye, it's for the worse. But to me, it's for the best. I've learned who sticks by my side and who doesn't, and I'm incredibly shocked by some of the results.
Firstly, my grandparents, but mainly Gramps. It's now been three weeks since they've said a word to me, or even tried to speak to me. Apparently they are truly THAT butthurt about this trip. And frankly, I don't understand why. They say it's because they're worried about me. But that doesn't make sense to me. If they were so worried about anything happening to me, you'd think they would want to talk to me a whole bunch and make sure I knew they loved me in case I were to die. Maybe I do things backwards, but if I think a family member or a friend is going to be in a situation where they could potentially get hurt and or die, I would make sure I told them I loved them so many times they were yelling at me to shut up. I wouldn't by any means ignore them, make them feel like shit, or cut them out of my lives. But apparently, that's the way they do things.
Then there's my Mom. Not only is she making me feel like shit on her own accord, but also for my grandparents. Apparently she doesn't feel that I feel shitty enough thanks to them, but she's gonna go ahead and make everything worse. A few days ago, she basically told me she was doing fine without me and is getting used to living alone. Hearing that kinda sucked, but after everything with my grandparents, I was kinda numb. And then there was last night. Last night, for some reason she brought up me wanting to move to Missoula a YEAR from now. She started to make a big deal out of it, and I was like "stop making such a big deal, this isn't even relevant right now." and yet she continued. Eventually she was back to blaming me for the divorce, because it's apparently MY fucking fault that Travis is an asshole. She pulled the whole "I've lost my husband and my sons, and now I'm losing my daughter too!" crap. Because apparently me going off to college and still planning to keep her in my life is equivalent to divorcing and disowning her. . . yeah, because that makes fucking sense. When we lived in Montana, I told her that if we went home, we'd be fine. We'd be okay without Travis, and we'd be happy. Every single time anything goes wrong, my mom throws that in my face. Including last night. She claims we're not okay, we're not better off, and we're not happy. Her logic is that it's harder to pay bills now. Yes, it's harder to pay the bills. But we're not being fucking emotionally abused and having to walk on eggshells every second. Like I said in a previous post, I'd rather struggle with money than live through all of that again. Mom apparently doesn't see it that way. She sees it that we're not okay, and we never will be again. We argued about that a bit, and I told her so many times that she needed to knock her shit off, because she was being really immature and it wasn't going to solve anything because I've already made up my mind to go to Missoula. She continued to lose her shit, and eventually told me that she wanted to just sell my car and send me the money so I didn't have to come home. I would go for this, except I would only get MAYBE 6 grand out of it, and I can't get an apartment and a new car and support myself until I could get a job up here off only 6k That's unfortunately not feesable. Not to mention I'd have to move my furniture across the country, and that's pretty fucking expensive. The conversation ended with her telling me that I better hope that shit doesn't fail while I'm in Missoula, because she'll be moving to a one bedroom and she won't have a place for me if I need to come back.
My mom says all this shit now when she's mad, but when she calms down, I know she's going to pretend that none of these conversations happened, or she's going to ridicule me for having my feelings hurt still. She's going to chalk it up to all of this being my fault, and I'm being an overdramatic, irresponsible teenager who knows nothing about the real world. That's how it always ends up. But there are some things that can't be forgotten. All of this is a perfect example. The things she said are irreversible. The things she said can't be fixed with a sorry and some ice cream. This has put a rather large wedge in our relationship, and it's beyond repair. I don't really know how I feel about it all, I haven't really been letting myself feel for very long. As soon as I get off the phone with her, I pull myself together and suppress it. I'll deal with it when I get back to California.
It's pretty bad when your friends are better to you than your own family, but it is what it is. I don't really know how I'm going to make this move work, but it's something I want to do. I want to be independent. I want to go off to college and experience college-y things. I don't want to stay in Fallbrook and waste away the rest of my life like everyone else in that town. I don't have a future there.
People in Fallbrook generally don't do much with their lives. It's a party town. That's all anyone does there. Over half the people I know won't ever leave, and won't ever get off drugs. I want a better life than anything I'll have there. Missoula is a chance for me to start fresh. And that's exactly what I need.
So, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start fresh, in a new town surrounded by new people. I will make this work. Somehow, some way, I will. The more you tell me I can't, the more I want to prove you all wrong.
Firstly, my grandparents, but mainly Gramps. It's now been three weeks since they've said a word to me, or even tried to speak to me. Apparently they are truly THAT butthurt about this trip. And frankly, I don't understand why. They say it's because they're worried about me. But that doesn't make sense to me. If they were so worried about anything happening to me, you'd think they would want to talk to me a whole bunch and make sure I knew they loved me in case I were to die. Maybe I do things backwards, but if I think a family member or a friend is going to be in a situation where they could potentially get hurt and or die, I would make sure I told them I loved them so many times they were yelling at me to shut up. I wouldn't by any means ignore them, make them feel like shit, or cut them out of my lives. But apparently, that's the way they do things.
Then there's my Mom. Not only is she making me feel like shit on her own accord, but also for my grandparents. Apparently she doesn't feel that I feel shitty enough thanks to them, but she's gonna go ahead and make everything worse. A few days ago, she basically told me she was doing fine without me and is getting used to living alone. Hearing that kinda sucked, but after everything with my grandparents, I was kinda numb. And then there was last night. Last night, for some reason she brought up me wanting to move to Missoula a YEAR from now. She started to make a big deal out of it, and I was like "stop making such a big deal, this isn't even relevant right now." and yet she continued. Eventually she was back to blaming me for the divorce, because it's apparently MY fucking fault that Travis is an asshole. She pulled the whole "I've lost my husband and my sons, and now I'm losing my daughter too!" crap. Because apparently me going off to college and still planning to keep her in my life is equivalent to divorcing and disowning her. . . yeah, because that makes fucking sense. When we lived in Montana, I told her that if we went home, we'd be fine. We'd be okay without Travis, and we'd be happy. Every single time anything goes wrong, my mom throws that in my face. Including last night. She claims we're not okay, we're not better off, and we're not happy. Her logic is that it's harder to pay bills now. Yes, it's harder to pay the bills. But we're not being fucking emotionally abused and having to walk on eggshells every second. Like I said in a previous post, I'd rather struggle with money than live through all of that again. Mom apparently doesn't see it that way. She sees it that we're not okay, and we never will be again. We argued about that a bit, and I told her so many times that she needed to knock her shit off, because she was being really immature and it wasn't going to solve anything because I've already made up my mind to go to Missoula. She continued to lose her shit, and eventually told me that she wanted to just sell my car and send me the money so I didn't have to come home. I would go for this, except I would only get MAYBE 6 grand out of it, and I can't get an apartment and a new car and support myself until I could get a job up here off only 6k That's unfortunately not feesable. Not to mention I'd have to move my furniture across the country, and that's pretty fucking expensive. The conversation ended with her telling me that I better hope that shit doesn't fail while I'm in Missoula, because she'll be moving to a one bedroom and she won't have a place for me if I need to come back.
My mom says all this shit now when she's mad, but when she calms down, I know she's going to pretend that none of these conversations happened, or she's going to ridicule me for having my feelings hurt still. She's going to chalk it up to all of this being my fault, and I'm being an overdramatic, irresponsible teenager who knows nothing about the real world. That's how it always ends up. But there are some things that can't be forgotten. All of this is a perfect example. The things she said are irreversible. The things she said can't be fixed with a sorry and some ice cream. This has put a rather large wedge in our relationship, and it's beyond repair. I don't really know how I feel about it all, I haven't really been letting myself feel for very long. As soon as I get off the phone with her, I pull myself together and suppress it. I'll deal with it when I get back to California.
It's pretty bad when your friends are better to you than your own family, but it is what it is. I don't really know how I'm going to make this move work, but it's something I want to do. I want to be independent. I want to go off to college and experience college-y things. I don't want to stay in Fallbrook and waste away the rest of my life like everyone else in that town. I don't have a future there.
People in Fallbrook generally don't do much with their lives. It's a party town. That's all anyone does there. Over half the people I know won't ever leave, and won't ever get off drugs. I want a better life than anything I'll have there. Missoula is a chance for me to start fresh. And that's exactly what I need.
So, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start fresh, in a new town surrounded by new people. I will make this work. Somehow, some way, I will. The more you tell me I can't, the more I want to prove you all wrong.
Monday, July 16, 2012
But I guess that's growing up.
So, this trip has been really eye opening.
Firstly, my real dad is from this town here in Montana called Missoula. Growing up, my mom always told me how much she hated it and how much it sucked. I'd never been there, so I just kinda took her word for it. When I flew into Montana, I came back with Shannen. Her ticket was to fly into Missoula, and so I flew into Missoula as well. Well basically, it isn't the shit hole my mom made it out to sound. In fact, it isn't at all. It's amazing. I completely fell in love with the town, and the college. So, I decided I want to move there. The fall semester that's about to start is already paid for in California, and that semester ends in December. Moving in the middle of a blizzard is never a good idea. And there's almost always a blizzard in Montana in December... plus, I doubt I could move away from my family around Christmas. So, the snow melts around March-April. So, around then, I'm moving there. My mom isn't too fond of the idea, but whatever. I don't know how the rest of my family feels about it, because none of them are fucking speaking to me. Which leads to my second point.
Secondly, I learned that when my family says things like "We'll always be here for you" and "We'll always support whatever makes you happy" and "Other people will come and go, but you'll always have your family", anytime they said those things, they clearly lied to me. Ever since Kenzie's accident in July of 2011, I told them I wanted to come see her. I've been talking about it for a YEAR. Two weeks ago, my best friend Rachel bought me plane tickets to come to Montana to be at the fundraiser for Kenzie. My grandparents took that personally for some fucking reason and lost their shit. Gramps has completely refused to speak to me for two weeks. Granny won't either. My mom can't make up her mind how she feels about it, I guess. She goes back and forth from being pissed off to being fine. I don't know where she stands. So basically, coming here ruined my relationship with my family. Why? I don't even know. It doesn't make sense at all.
They think that my ex-stepdad is going to start shit with me. But what they don't seem to realize is, Travis doesn't care about me. He has NEVER cared about me, not when he was dating my mom, not when he was married to her, not when they were divorcing, and definitely not now that the divorce is final. He's not going to do anything. Trevor isn't going to do anything. No one is going to do shit to me. I'm probably safer in Montana than I am in California. But they're "soooooo worried" about things happening to me, that they don't fucking consider that if anything DOES happen to me while I'm here, I'm going to die on bad terms with my family. They're going to forever have that on their conscience. My grandpa's last words to me were "I don't fucking know, figure it out your fucking self and get the fuck out of here." Over two weeks ago, when I asked a question about the printer. My grandma's was something about her telling me she's sending the money. And them treating me this way is MY fault. I'm the one in the wrong, always. "If I hadn't of left, they wouldn't have had to behave like this." Uhhhhh, excuse me? No. Why does me going on vacation justify them treating me like shit? It doesn't. But yet, I'M the immature one. I'M the one in the wrong. I'M the bad person. I'M the one fucking up our relationship. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY.
Last night, when I was being guilt tripped by Mom, she told me that if I want a relationship with my grandparents when I get back, that I need to go over there and I need to fix things with them. NO. I'm sorry that doing something that makes me happy is causing such a ruckuss in their lives, but I'M not the one who's refusing to speak to THEM. If they want a relationship with me, THEY can talk to me. And then I said something about moving, and my mom started to guilt trip me, and I was like "See? This is why I'm never gonna be able to move out and do anything with my life, because you guys are always going to guilt trip me until I cave to what you want me to do." And my mom said the magic words, "You're an adult, you leave state if you want to leave state." Little did she realize, her guilt trip attempt PROVED MY GODDAMN POINT THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PROVE TO HER FOR TWO WEEKS. She denies that it does, but you can't argue the simple fact that IT DOES. They're pissed I left the state. Yeah? Well, that's exactly my point. I'm an adult and I can leave state if I want to leave state. Mom proved my point, and refuses to acknowledge that she did.
Thirdly, this helped me realize how little I have holding me back in California. Which is sorta how I came to point one. When I moved to Montana the first time, I thought I was living in the perfect place. I thought I had the best friends and the best family, so making me move was torture. After I moved to Montana, they started dropping off. Slowly but surely, my California friends dropped out of my life one by one. After I moved, moved back, got off drugs, etc, I'm left with three friends in Fallbrook. Kelson, Rachel and Katie. Now, it's going to suck being away from them, don't get me wrong. But they can easily come see me at anytime. In fact, according to how the plan is now, Kelson's going to move to Missoula as well. Provided that him and Shannen can fix their relationship problems, that is. However, if they don't, Kelson can still join the rankings of Rachel and Katie and fly out to see me as often as they want.
As for Levi and SeeJay, who live driving distance away but not in Fallbrook. . . Leaving Levi again is going to kill. I'd take him with me in a heartbeat. But he would never live in Montana. (Trust me, I've tried.) But, same as Katie, Kelson and Rachel, he can fly out whenever he wants to. Not to mention, I can fly out to see them also. As it is now, I only see him about 3-4 times a year. So truthfully, it won't be too different. And SeeJay? He's coming with me. We've already decided this, actually three years ago we'd had plans to go to Montana State University together, but we were going to go to the Bozeman location. The only thing we're changing is which location. So yes, Seejay and I will stay together, and I'm taking him with me.
As for any of the rest of you who want to complain that you'll "miss me so much", and "what about me? :(" Because anytime I point out anything about there being a superior few people in my life, I always have random people who don't EVER talk to me try and ask what about them. Well, what about you? I don't want to hear anyone claim that they miss me after I leave unless they make an effort to hang out with me while I'm still around. And since none of you who aren't mentioned do that, I don't want to hear "I'll miss you so much." If you can't hang out with me while I'm in town, you can't miss me when I'm gone.
When I say I don't have anything in California, I'm not saying it in a depressing way. I don't want your sympathy, and I don't want to be bombarded by texts saying "You've got me!" Because frankly, I don't. I'm not stupid. I know who my friends are, I know who cares, I know who doesn't, I know what I've got and what I don't have. And yes, I've got very little in California, but the people I do have are fantastic and it is going to suck leaving them. Sure, other people randomly text me. But I could easily live 1300 miles away from all the unnamed people, and it wouldn't make a damn bit of a difference. It's not like we'd hang out any less.
Firstly, my real dad is from this town here in Montana called Missoula. Growing up, my mom always told me how much she hated it and how much it sucked. I'd never been there, so I just kinda took her word for it. When I flew into Montana, I came back with Shannen. Her ticket was to fly into Missoula, and so I flew into Missoula as well. Well basically, it isn't the shit hole my mom made it out to sound. In fact, it isn't at all. It's amazing. I completely fell in love with the town, and the college. So, I decided I want to move there. The fall semester that's about to start is already paid for in California, and that semester ends in December. Moving in the middle of a blizzard is never a good idea. And there's almost always a blizzard in Montana in December... plus, I doubt I could move away from my family around Christmas. So, the snow melts around March-April. So, around then, I'm moving there. My mom isn't too fond of the idea, but whatever. I don't know how the rest of my family feels about it, because none of them are fucking speaking to me. Which leads to my second point.
Secondly, I learned that when my family says things like "We'll always be here for you" and "We'll always support whatever makes you happy" and "Other people will come and go, but you'll always have your family", anytime they said those things, they clearly lied to me. Ever since Kenzie's accident in July of 2011, I told them I wanted to come see her. I've been talking about it for a YEAR. Two weeks ago, my best friend Rachel bought me plane tickets to come to Montana to be at the fundraiser for Kenzie. My grandparents took that personally for some fucking reason and lost their shit. Gramps has completely refused to speak to me for two weeks. Granny won't either. My mom can't make up her mind how she feels about it, I guess. She goes back and forth from being pissed off to being fine. I don't know where she stands. So basically, coming here ruined my relationship with my family. Why? I don't even know. It doesn't make sense at all.
They think that my ex-stepdad is going to start shit with me. But what they don't seem to realize is, Travis doesn't care about me. He has NEVER cared about me, not when he was dating my mom, not when he was married to her, not when they were divorcing, and definitely not now that the divorce is final. He's not going to do anything. Trevor isn't going to do anything. No one is going to do shit to me. I'm probably safer in Montana than I am in California. But they're "soooooo worried" about things happening to me, that they don't fucking consider that if anything DOES happen to me while I'm here, I'm going to die on bad terms with my family. They're going to forever have that on their conscience. My grandpa's last words to me were "I don't fucking know, figure it out your fucking self and get the fuck out of here." Over two weeks ago, when I asked a question about the printer. My grandma's was something about her telling me she's sending the money. And them treating me this way is MY fault. I'm the one in the wrong, always. "If I hadn't of left, they wouldn't have had to behave like this." Uhhhhh, excuse me? No. Why does me going on vacation justify them treating me like shit? It doesn't. But yet, I'M the immature one. I'M the one in the wrong. I'M the bad person. I'M the one fucking up our relationship. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY.
Last night, when I was being guilt tripped by Mom, she told me that if I want a relationship with my grandparents when I get back, that I need to go over there and I need to fix things with them. NO. I'm sorry that doing something that makes me happy is causing such a ruckuss in their lives, but I'M not the one who's refusing to speak to THEM. If they want a relationship with me, THEY can talk to me. And then I said something about moving, and my mom started to guilt trip me, and I was like "See? This is why I'm never gonna be able to move out and do anything with my life, because you guys are always going to guilt trip me until I cave to what you want me to do." And my mom said the magic words, "You're an adult, you leave state if you want to leave state." Little did she realize, her guilt trip attempt PROVED MY GODDAMN POINT THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PROVE TO HER FOR TWO WEEKS. She denies that it does, but you can't argue the simple fact that IT DOES. They're pissed I left the state. Yeah? Well, that's exactly my point. I'm an adult and I can leave state if I want to leave state. Mom proved my point, and refuses to acknowledge that she did.
Thirdly, this helped me realize how little I have holding me back in California. Which is sorta how I came to point one. When I moved to Montana the first time, I thought I was living in the perfect place. I thought I had the best friends and the best family, so making me move was torture. After I moved to Montana, they started dropping off. Slowly but surely, my California friends dropped out of my life one by one. After I moved, moved back, got off drugs, etc, I'm left with three friends in Fallbrook. Kelson, Rachel and Katie. Now, it's going to suck being away from them, don't get me wrong. But they can easily come see me at anytime. In fact, according to how the plan is now, Kelson's going to move to Missoula as well. Provided that him and Shannen can fix their relationship problems, that is. However, if they don't, Kelson can still join the rankings of Rachel and Katie and fly out to see me as often as they want.
As for Levi and SeeJay, who live driving distance away but not in Fallbrook. . . Leaving Levi again is going to kill. I'd take him with me in a heartbeat. But he would never live in Montana. (Trust me, I've tried.) But, same as Katie, Kelson and Rachel, he can fly out whenever he wants to. Not to mention, I can fly out to see them also. As it is now, I only see him about 3-4 times a year. So truthfully, it won't be too different. And SeeJay? He's coming with me. We've already decided this, actually three years ago we'd had plans to go to Montana State University together, but we were going to go to the Bozeman location. The only thing we're changing is which location. So yes, Seejay and I will stay together, and I'm taking him with me.
As for any of the rest of you who want to complain that you'll "miss me so much", and "what about me? :(" Because anytime I point out anything about there being a superior few people in my life, I always have random people who don't EVER talk to me try and ask what about them. Well, what about you? I don't want to hear anyone claim that they miss me after I leave unless they make an effort to hang out with me while I'm still around. And since none of you who aren't mentioned do that, I don't want to hear "I'll miss you so much." If you can't hang out with me while I'm in town, you can't miss me when I'm gone.
When I say I don't have anything in California, I'm not saying it in a depressing way. I don't want your sympathy, and I don't want to be bombarded by texts saying "You've got me!" Because frankly, I don't. I'm not stupid. I know who my friends are, I know who cares, I know who doesn't, I know what I've got and what I don't have. And yes, I've got very little in California, but the people I do have are fantastic and it is going to suck leaving them. Sure, other people randomly text me. But I could easily live 1300 miles away from all the unnamed people, and it wouldn't make a damn bit of a difference. It's not like we'd hang out any less.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Divorce.
My parents divorce is finally final, and to be honest, I don't really know how I feel about that. I'm split 95/5.
The 95% side is stoked. Living with my stepdad was a constant fight. Especially for the last year we were all together. My mom and I endured so much emotional and verbal abuse, it's ridiculous. He damaged my self esteem and destroyed my moms. I dislike him for what he did to me, but I have a never ending hatred for what he did to my mom. For my midterm I had to write a murder story. I killed him. And you know what? I loved every second of writing it, and I'm SO proud of the paper. It's the best thing I've ever written. (If you want to read it, send me your e-mail, and I'll send it to you.) Anyway, I'm happy he's gone. My mom's a much better person without him. Her and I's relationship is so much stronger, and he's not constantly putting her on edge and making her hard to live with. He may have hurt her bad, but it's done now. We've been putting our lives back together, and we're okay on our own. Sure, we may not have as much money as we did & it's harder to pay bills. But was the money really worth the instability, the verbal abuse, the hostility, the heartache, the constant war? NO. You can have all the money in the world, but without a family that you love and loves you, you've got nothing. Mom and I may not have it all, but we have each other. And that's more than what we had when he was around.
5% misses my family being together, but that's only because sometimes I miss the person I used to call my brother, and I miss living in Lewistown.
The 95% side is stoked. Living with my stepdad was a constant fight. Especially for the last year we were all together. My mom and I endured so much emotional and verbal abuse, it's ridiculous. He damaged my self esteem and destroyed my moms. I dislike him for what he did to me, but I have a never ending hatred for what he did to my mom. For my midterm I had to write a murder story. I killed him. And you know what? I loved every second of writing it, and I'm SO proud of the paper. It's the best thing I've ever written. (If you want to read it, send me your e-mail, and I'll send it to you.) Anyway, I'm happy he's gone. My mom's a much better person without him. Her and I's relationship is so much stronger, and he's not constantly putting her on edge and making her hard to live with. He may have hurt her bad, but it's done now. We've been putting our lives back together, and we're okay on our own. Sure, we may not have as much money as we did & it's harder to pay bills. But was the money really worth the instability, the verbal abuse, the hostility, the heartache, the constant war? NO. You can have all the money in the world, but without a family that you love and loves you, you've got nothing. Mom and I may not have it all, but we have each other. And that's more than what we had when he was around.
5% misses my family being together, but that's only because sometimes I miss the person I used to call my brother, and I miss living in Lewistown.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Fuck yes peanut butter ice cream.
I motherfucking love peanut butter ice cream, guys. Seriously. <333
Another thing causing problems is my friendship with Shannen. Yes, we hated each other, now we're friends. Get over it.
Alright, but really. Down to buisness.
Two fucking weeks ago, my best friend, Rachel, guest blogged. For some strange reason, this is STILL causing controversy from Tori's (the girl bitched about) friends. Alright, you know who was directly involved? Me, Tori, Kelson, Mikey and Rachel. Mikey because Tori was leading him on while fucking Kelson, and Rachel because I had been telling her everything as it happened. She knows better than ALL the rest of you, previous people excluded. Unless you're one of the people mentioned already, shut up. Honestly. It's done and over with. Tori and I haven't spoken since mothers day. Nor have Tori and Kelson. Mikey is obviously over it as he is DATING Tori now. None of the people involved fucking care anymore.WHY SHOULD ANYONE ELSE? And yet, people are still trying to talk to me about it! Will you all just stop? I genuinely do not care to be friends with Tori or Mikey anymore. Tori uses people to get what she wants and Mikey is a hypocrite and a liar. I don't care about your opinion on the matter. I do not care to discuss it with you. It's done and it's over with.
Furthermore, when someone else says something, I'm not responsible. Jacc tried to bitch to me about things Rachel said. I'm just going to stop right here and point out that Rachel's in fact a grown adult and can say and do as she pleases. If you have a problem with what SHE says, telling ME won't get you anywhere.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
I thought I knew lonely...
There haven't been a whole lot of people in my life who've had the ability to break my heart. Yes, multiple people have been able to hurt my feelings. But a true heartbreak is something only certain people have ever been able to do.
Anyone who is a habitual reader knows that I have problems letting go of my brother. He taught me the real definition of lonely. The divorce took it's toll on me. Losing my whole family broke my heart much more than I'll ever show, unless you're Rachel. The breakups with Chris and Kalyb really took their toll. Jacc breaking his pinky promise twice really hurt.
But tonight, I realized that I don't have Levi anymore. I mean sure, we're friends. He's always going to be my best friend. But it isn't the same. He's been my everything since I was five. My world has revolved around him since the first grade. Everyone who knows me knows how important Levi has always been to me. Everyone knows how defensive I get when someone even looks at him wrong. That kid is my whole reason for being alive so long.
This weekend, a lot of things opened my eyes. I realized that I don't know him anymore. We're not really part of each others lives anymore. He doesn't know anything about my life. We've drifted sooooo far apart I think it's too far. I think we have hit the point of no return.
It's been a slow progression the last year. I've tried to pretend it wasn't happening. That's what I do in crisis situations. I pretend it isn't happening. Maybe that didn't help. Maybe that's part of why we're so fucked up right now. Maybe this is all my fault. In fact, it probably is. Slowly, day by day, we got further and further apart. And neither of us did anything to fix it. Maybe it's both our faults, but I tend to take blame for him, so in my eyes it's entirely my fault.
I let the most important thing in my life slip through the cracks. And I'm afriad it's so far gone that I can't fix it.
I don't know what to do. I'm forgetting how to breathe. I'm sitting in his house, and I've never felt further from him. . . I can honestly feel my heart breaking. I know, I know. It's not physically breaking. But it sure as fuck feels like it.
I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird, because how the hell do you forget to do that? I don't know. I just know it's happening. I'll be like, "Damn my chest hurts." Then realize I've been holding my breath. . .
I've never felt so alone in all my life. Not when I lost my brother, either time. Not when I lost just about all my friends when I got sober. Not when I moved to Montana and didn't know anyone. Not through the divorce. Never, never, never.
I don't know what to do. The logical thing would be learn to live without him. . . But I don't want to. I want to fix things. I just don't know how. . .
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Closure.
The letter challenge was great for me. I didn't finish it all the way through, and maybe one day I'll do the second half. But in the meantime, the first half helped me get over a lot of suppressed feelings and really move on.
Dad:
for the longest time, I hated you. I hated that everyone else in my family got to know you, and I didn't. I hated how easily you walked away from me. And I even hated you for dying. I still don't forgive you, and I'm far from understanding why you did these things. But I'm okay now. I've accepted it, and I've moved on.
Kalyb:
I didn't write you a letter, but you gave me my final closure while I was doing these, so I shall include you. I thought I was in love with you, but I don't think I ever truly was. Don't get me wrong, I did love you. But I don't think I was in love. You did a lot of great things for me. But you also did a lot of damage. You taught me to let down my walls. Then you showed me exactly why I shouldn't. You taught me how to love unconditionally, but then you took that as a challenge to find a reason for me to not love you. You usually suggested great music, I owe a good chunk of my library to you. But you also love ICP. You taught me to love my flaws, but when we would fight you would point them out. You would help me get over my insecurities, only to give me more. You were a great friend. Sometimes you were even a great boyfriend. But most of the time, you treated me like crap. I was smart enough to realize it, but stupid enough to not walk away. I let you belittle me and walk all over my heart for a very long time. And all that time, I thought we were in love. I thought that was part of these relationships. No. We were in an abusive relationship. I still don't think you would ever hit me, but emotional abuse is just as awful. After our break up in march, things started to fall into place. I was better than that. About a week before my birthday, we talked. You apologized, told me I was the only girl for you, we were going to get married and live the life we always wanted. I tried to believe you, but I held back. You had hurt me pretty bad the month before. A week goes by, and then you text me and say "I have a girlfriend." we fought & I cried. But for the first time, I only cried over you for about an hour or two. After that, I was fine. And I've been fine since. I can think about you and talk about you and not a feeling goes by. You're finally a part of my past. And I know when things fall apart with this new girl, you're going to come crying back to me. We've been this way since we were fourteen. But no more. You were never the "love of my life". We were each others rebounds. And I'm done with that. I now have my closure.
Chris:
another ex boyfriend. Well. Without a doubt, I was in love with you. I would have dropped anything to marry you had it been legal during the time we were together. I spent the last year and a half getting over you and thinking I was. But anytime I saw a picture of you, I melted. I thought about what we had, and why couldn't we have that again? Then I would remember why we broke up, and i would be sad for a while, then i would be okay. Recently, I had a dream about you. That dream surfaced all the hidden feelings. I texted you, we talked a bit. And then came your day for the letter. I spilled my heart out. You never read it and you won't read this. But I sent you a very similar thing. A few days later, I learned that you'd been lying to me about being in the army. Now, I was used to you lying to me. But this one hurt. There was no need for it. I didn't care if you had joined the army or if you were still selling weed to get by. That was no matter to me. But instead of being honest, you outright lied. And that I suppose kinda kicked it into gear for me that no. I don't love you. I love our happy memories. I really have been over you. It's the memories I didn't want to let go of. And you know what? I still don't. We had great times together. I credit some of my happiest times to you. But I know the difference now between missing you and missing the memories. So it isn't bad anymore. Spilling my heart out, both to you and the blog, really helped me. I finally realized I don't need you to be happy. I also realized you won't ever quit lying to me, and I'll never be able to trust you. I have no hard feelings for you, though. I sincerely hope you get nothing but the best in life.
Trevor:
you're two people to me now. My brother and the asshole you are today. Allow me to explain. My brother was my best friend. I told you everything. All the most awful secrets I had. All the weird shit that popped into my head at all hours. I cherished nothing more than the nights we would hang out in each others rooms, the garage, the bat cave, the backyard, the school or the basement and just talk about everything under the sun. Those were the best nights. I miss getting so high we couldnt stop laughing and then crying in snow forts. Drugs arent a part of either of our lives anymore, but those adventures are some of the best memories we have. After we moved, we stuck by each others side even more. If anyone even looked at one of us wrong, the other became homicidal to that person. Most of the time, you were all I had and vice versa. You were my very best friend in the world. You've changed so much it's like my brother died and this stranger took his place. You treat me like shit now. Actually, worse. You at least acknowledge that shit is there. I'm nothing to you. Countless times I've tried coming to you crying, and you've ignored my messages. Were still Facebook friends, and I check up on you all the time. It hurts me to see what weve become. You know we've now gone six months without a conversation? What the FUCK happened?! My heart will never stop hurting for the old times. I will never stop missing those years. I will never stop wishing for them back. I'm never going to not miss you. But I have accepted that you're gone. I have accepted that I will always have a hole in my heart. But there is a difference between accepting it and being okay. I know it's real, but I'm still waiting for it to stop sucking.
Dad:
for the longest time, I hated you. I hated that everyone else in my family got to know you, and I didn't. I hated how easily you walked away from me. And I even hated you for dying. I still don't forgive you, and I'm far from understanding why you did these things. But I'm okay now. I've accepted it, and I've moved on.
Kalyb:
I didn't write you a letter, but you gave me my final closure while I was doing these, so I shall include you. I thought I was in love with you, but I don't think I ever truly was. Don't get me wrong, I did love you. But I don't think I was in love. You did a lot of great things for me. But you also did a lot of damage. You taught me to let down my walls. Then you showed me exactly why I shouldn't. You taught me how to love unconditionally, but then you took that as a challenge to find a reason for me to not love you. You usually suggested great music, I owe a good chunk of my library to you. But you also love ICP. You taught me to love my flaws, but when we would fight you would point them out. You would help me get over my insecurities, only to give me more. You were a great friend. Sometimes you were even a great boyfriend. But most of the time, you treated me like crap. I was smart enough to realize it, but stupid enough to not walk away. I let you belittle me and walk all over my heart for a very long time. And all that time, I thought we were in love. I thought that was part of these relationships. No. We were in an abusive relationship. I still don't think you would ever hit me, but emotional abuse is just as awful. After our break up in march, things started to fall into place. I was better than that. About a week before my birthday, we talked. You apologized, told me I was the only girl for you, we were going to get married and live the life we always wanted. I tried to believe you, but I held back. You had hurt me pretty bad the month before. A week goes by, and then you text me and say "I have a girlfriend." we fought & I cried. But for the first time, I only cried over you for about an hour or two. After that, I was fine. And I've been fine since. I can think about you and talk about you and not a feeling goes by. You're finally a part of my past. And I know when things fall apart with this new girl, you're going to come crying back to me. We've been this way since we were fourteen. But no more. You were never the "love of my life". We were each others rebounds. And I'm done with that. I now have my closure.
Chris:
another ex boyfriend. Well. Without a doubt, I was in love with you. I would have dropped anything to marry you had it been legal during the time we were together. I spent the last year and a half getting over you and thinking I was. But anytime I saw a picture of you, I melted. I thought about what we had, and why couldn't we have that again? Then I would remember why we broke up, and i would be sad for a while, then i would be okay. Recently, I had a dream about you. That dream surfaced all the hidden feelings. I texted you, we talked a bit. And then came your day for the letter. I spilled my heart out. You never read it and you won't read this. But I sent you a very similar thing. A few days later, I learned that you'd been lying to me about being in the army. Now, I was used to you lying to me. But this one hurt. There was no need for it. I didn't care if you had joined the army or if you were still selling weed to get by. That was no matter to me. But instead of being honest, you outright lied. And that I suppose kinda kicked it into gear for me that no. I don't love you. I love our happy memories. I really have been over you. It's the memories I didn't want to let go of. And you know what? I still don't. We had great times together. I credit some of my happiest times to you. But I know the difference now between missing you and missing the memories. So it isn't bad anymore. Spilling my heart out, both to you and the blog, really helped me. I finally realized I don't need you to be happy. I also realized you won't ever quit lying to me, and I'll never be able to trust you. I have no hard feelings for you, though. I sincerely hope you get nothing but the best in life.
Trevor:
you're two people to me now. My brother and the asshole you are today. Allow me to explain. My brother was my best friend. I told you everything. All the most awful secrets I had. All the weird shit that popped into my head at all hours. I cherished nothing more than the nights we would hang out in each others rooms, the garage, the bat cave, the backyard, the school or the basement and just talk about everything under the sun. Those were the best nights. I miss getting so high we couldnt stop laughing and then crying in snow forts. Drugs arent a part of either of our lives anymore, but those adventures are some of the best memories we have. After we moved, we stuck by each others side even more. If anyone even looked at one of us wrong, the other became homicidal to that person. Most of the time, you were all I had and vice versa. You were my very best friend in the world. You've changed so much it's like my brother died and this stranger took his place. You treat me like shit now. Actually, worse. You at least acknowledge that shit is there. I'm nothing to you. Countless times I've tried coming to you crying, and you've ignored my messages. Were still Facebook friends, and I check up on you all the time. It hurts me to see what weve become. You know we've now gone six months without a conversation? What the FUCK happened?! My heart will never stop hurting for the old times. I will never stop missing those years. I will never stop wishing for them back. I'm never going to not miss you. But I have accepted that you're gone. I have accepted that I will always have a hole in my heart. But there is a difference between accepting it and being okay. I know it's real, but I'm still waiting for it to stop sucking.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 14
Someone I drifted away from.
This was originally gonna be for seejay, but we're totally back to normal now so that's not necessary.
I don't really have anyone for this...
This was originally gonna be for seejay, but we're totally back to normal now so that's not necessary.
I don't really have anyone for this...
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Days 12 & 13.
Day 12, person I hate most / caused me most pain, day 13; someone I wish could forgive me. Both of these go to my ex-brother, Trevor. Instead of writing a whole new post, I'm going to copy and paste in an old one on my personal blog. Most of you will never have read this, so it's new to you but whatever.
Most of the time I try to pretend I'm ballsy and this whole thing with him doesn't phase me. But the fact of the matter is, I'm a fucking wreck. I miss my brother, and anytime something reminds me of him, my heart breaks a little more.
I can't drink Mountain Dew without my heart breaking, it was his favorite. I can't look at a sheep without my heart breaking, we had an old inside joke about them. I can't eat ketchup anymore, he put that stuff on everything. My heart hurts when I see someone with a Metallica or Iron Maiden shirt, because I always think, "Trevor had that shirt." (He had them all.) I can't listen to half the songs we used to listen to, because they bring back memories of sitting in my room (his was always too stinky.) just talking about life and having these songs in the background. The point being, I can't see or eat or do half the things I used to because it invokes all these memories.
Memories are bittersweet to me. They're sweet because I love remembering all the good times we had. All the crazy shit we did, all the fun we had, all the trouble we got in together. I used to bitch about it all the time, but now I miss getting in trouble for the things he did. I miss purposely taking the blame for something he did, because he was already in trouble. I miss how I could tell him everything. I miss our heart to hearts, no one knew me better than him. I didn't have to keep up a charade with my brother. If I wanted to bitch, he let me bitch. If I wanted to cry, he let me cry. He didn't expect me to be perfect, and he knew I was a fucked up person sometimes, but he loved me anyway. These things are bitter because I know this is the end of all those things.
It kills me to be back in this town. Driving around, I see places him and I have memories. Especially when I'm in our old neighborhood. I can't go to our old BatCave anymore, I can't see the guard chicken, sometimes even my grandma's house makes me sad. There's sooooo many memories, and they're everywhere. I still have pictures of us up on my wall, along with old birthday cards he gave me. Seeing his crap ass handwriting makes my heart feel like it's literally shattering.
People always tell me, "Don't worry about him, he's an asshole." Yes, I know he's an asshole sometimes. I know his angry side, I know his happy side, I know his sad, grumpy, sappy ALL of it. I know my brother. In no way shape or form do I think he's a saint. I lived with the kid for four years. I know that he's an asshole. But that doesn't mean I don't love him. Asshole or not, he was my brother. And though we haven't talked for months, I still consider him my brother. What I am to him now, I don't know and I think I'd rather not know.
I've even been told on more than one occasion that "It's not like he's dead." And while I am absolutely grateful that he's alive, this hurts more than if he had died.
If Trevor had died, he wouldn't have had the choice to abandon me. He wouldn't have had the choice to walk out of my life and pretend that I don't exist anymore. But walking out of my life like this, he did on purpose. He straight up abandoned me. He knew what he was doing, and he did it without ever looking back.
This is the main reason I don't trust many people. I don't put my all into relationships or friendships because if my brother can just up and walk away from me, what's stopping anyone else?
This heartbreak hasn't eased up. I miss my brother. I miss the friendship we used to have. I miss EVERYTHING. I try my hardest to be happy, and for the most part I'm okay. But the thought of Trevor is always nagging at the back of my mind.
I want things to be okay again. But since I know they never will be, is it to much to ask for to just me be okay?
I don't want to think about him all the time. I don't want to be reminded of him everywhere I go and with everything I do. I don't want to not have him around. I just want my brother back, god damnit.
Hi, I'm Rachel, and I'm currently releasing my inner bitch.
Hi, my name is Rachel Clinefelter, and I've been given the opportunity to guest blog. Rebecca is a my best friend and I love her to pieces. I've been hearing that some "friends" of hers having been using her and screwing her over. That doesn't make me very happy. And this blog is the result of that.
Kelson, you're up first. I'm extremely disappointed in you. 20 years old and still using your friends as taxi?. Here's a suggestion; GET A JOB. Sitting at home in your "batcave" playing video games will not bring in an income for you. If you're going to ask your friends for rides, give them gas money. If you can't do that, start asking your mother for rides. Or an even better idea; start charging for your dick services. You're boning enough girls to bring in quite a nice profit now. You must feel like such an accomplished, successful adult.
Tori. I don't know you well enough to talk shit on you, but I'm going to anyway cause apparently you think it's your place to talk shit on me! Aren't you a darling. C:
You're such a fucking low down cunt. Only whores use their "best friend" to bring over the penis of the day, then leave her on the couch while they get it in. I've got news for you. Shut your fucking thunder thighs and start thinking about someone other than yourself. Rebecca isn't your best friend. She's MY best friend. Why? Because I treasure my friendship with her like none other. I'm there for her 24/7. When she's crying, I'm right there with a box of tissues and 3 1/2 cookies. When she's mad, I'm the one bringing over a punching bag for her. When she wants to give up, I'm going to encourage her until she's back on her feet running again. I don't mooch off her. I don't use her to bring over my booty call. And I don't try setting her up with pathetic little boys. Have some respect for her. Actually, have a little respect for everyone! From what I understand, you're in love with some other guy, but you're boning Kelson. Seems legit. Good luck finding a guy to view you as anything but a piece of meat.
One last thing and I'm done ranting. I recently found out you think I'm a stuck up bitch. I'm not sure what gave you that impression, but let me give you some advice really quick. 1) Don't judge someone before you know them. 2) Keep my name out of your mouth. There's no room for it next to all the dicks you're deep throating. If you thought I was a stuck up bitch before, buckle up to hate me twice as much now.
On that note, have a nice day.
Kelson, you're up first. I'm extremely disappointed in you. 20 years old and still using your friends as taxi?. Here's a suggestion; GET A JOB. Sitting at home in your "batcave" playing video games will not bring in an income for you. If you're going to ask your friends for rides, give them gas money. If you can't do that, start asking your mother for rides. Or an even better idea; start charging for your dick services. You're boning enough girls to bring in quite a nice profit now. You must feel like such an accomplished, successful adult.
Tori. I don't know you well enough to talk shit on you, but I'm going to anyway cause apparently you think it's your place to talk shit on me! Aren't you a darling. C:
You're such a fucking low down cunt. Only whores use their "best friend" to bring over the penis of the day, then leave her on the couch while they get it in. I've got news for you. Shut your fucking thunder thighs and start thinking about someone other than yourself. Rebecca isn't your best friend. She's MY best friend. Why? Because I treasure my friendship with her like none other. I'm there for her 24/7. When she's crying, I'm right there with a box of tissues and 3 1/2 cookies. When she's mad, I'm the one bringing over a punching bag for her. When she wants to give up, I'm going to encourage her until she's back on her feet running again. I don't mooch off her. I don't use her to bring over my booty call. And I don't try setting her up with pathetic little boys. Have some respect for her. Actually, have a little respect for everyone! From what I understand, you're in love with some other guy, but you're boning Kelson. Seems legit. Good luck finding a guy to view you as anything but a piece of meat.
One last thing and I'm done ranting. I recently found out you think I'm a stuck up bitch. I'm not sure what gave you that impression, but let me give you some advice really quick. 1) Don't judge someone before you know them. 2) Keep my name out of your mouth. There's no room for it next to all the dicks you're deep throating. If you thought I was a stuck up bitch before, buckle up to hate me twice as much now.
On that note, have a nice day.
I'm not a fucking taxi.
Ever since I got my license, people seem to think this means my car has become a taxi. NOPE. NOPE IT HAS NOT.
I'm sorry for any misunderstandings, but I am not a taxi driver nor a chauffeur. I could not give a fuck less how you get from point A to point B. this is not my concern, unless you pay for gas.
Today, I'm pissed.
Kelson and Tori are boning, and I seem to look like a taxi driver to them. All they fucking do is use me to get kelson to tori and back home again, then the whole time complain I'm a cock block.
Yknow what guys? FUCK YOU. This is such bullshit you do this to me, and this is the LAST time it will happen. I know I'm supposed to be keeping your relations relatively secret, but you're also supposed to have at least an ounce of respect for me too. And since you're not holding up your end, this is me not holding up mine.
Kelson, this is to be expected of you.
But Tori? This is crap. You call me your "best friend". But you don't treat me like one. When I try to talk to you about stuff, you one word me or change the subject. Yet, I listen to you when you're having problems. And all I get in return is used. Thanks.
It's NEVER "let's you and I hang out." it's always "you me and kelson." and don't get me wrong, I like kelson. But it's shitty of you guys to do this. You make me feel like a 3rd wheel or you straight up say I'm being a cock block.
Last week we made plans. It was gonna be the three of us and Cody. Cody ended up not being able to crash here, so we changed it. Jesse was going to join us. About a few hours later, he bailed. Then ever since you guys have made it ever so obvious that my presence is unwanted.
It even went so far as you invited over some fifteen year old kid I'VE NEVER MET, clearly implanted some idea in his head that something was going to happen. I know you guys think I'm "hopeless" because I haven't gotten laid in a long time. That does NOT in ANY FUCKING WAY mean I want you to pity hook me up with FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS. Do you not fucking realize that I'm NINETEEN?!
I'm so over this crap. So damn over it.
This was inspired by those two, but this is really a message to everyone. I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKING TAXI.
If you want a ride somewhere, GIVE ME GAS MONEY. Like, I don't mind giving rides if you give me adequate gas money.
So next time, Kelson and Tori, don't invite me to spend the night. Just ask me for a ride, hand over gas money, and you don't have to worry about me being a "cock block." Kay? Kay.
I'm sorry for any misunderstandings, but I am not a taxi driver nor a chauffeur. I could not give a fuck less how you get from point A to point B. this is not my concern, unless you pay for gas.
Today, I'm pissed.
Kelson and Tori are boning, and I seem to look like a taxi driver to them. All they fucking do is use me to get kelson to tori and back home again, then the whole time complain I'm a cock block.
Yknow what guys? FUCK YOU. This is such bullshit you do this to me, and this is the LAST time it will happen. I know I'm supposed to be keeping your relations relatively secret, but you're also supposed to have at least an ounce of respect for me too. And since you're not holding up your end, this is me not holding up mine.
Kelson, this is to be expected of you.
But Tori? This is crap. You call me your "best friend". But you don't treat me like one. When I try to talk to you about stuff, you one word me or change the subject. Yet, I listen to you when you're having problems. And all I get in return is used. Thanks.
It's NEVER "let's you and I hang out." it's always "you me and kelson." and don't get me wrong, I like kelson. But it's shitty of you guys to do this. You make me feel like a 3rd wheel or you straight up say I'm being a cock block.
Last week we made plans. It was gonna be the three of us and Cody. Cody ended up not being able to crash here, so we changed it. Jesse was going to join us. About a few hours later, he bailed. Then ever since you guys have made it ever so obvious that my presence is unwanted.
It even went so far as you invited over some fifteen year old kid I'VE NEVER MET, clearly implanted some idea in his head that something was going to happen. I know you guys think I'm "hopeless" because I haven't gotten laid in a long time. That does NOT in ANY FUCKING WAY mean I want you to pity hook me up with FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS. Do you not fucking realize that I'm NINETEEN?!
I'm so over this crap. So damn over it.
This was inspired by those two, but this is really a message to everyone. I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKING TAXI.
If you want a ride somewhere, GIVE ME GAS MONEY. Like, I don't mind giving rides if you give me adequate gas money.
So next time, Kelson and Tori, don't invite me to spend the night. Just ask me for a ride, hand over gas money, and you don't have to worry about me being a "cock block." Kay? Kay.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Day 11; someone dead you want to talk to.
Dad. That’s a word I never got the chance to call you. Actually, every word is something I never got the chance to call you, since you never stuck around. Why is that, Dad?
I’m going to call you dad through this, that cool with you? Too bad, you’re dead and this is my blog.
One theory I’ve heard from people is that you didn’t want to be a dad. But see, I think that’s bullshit because you sure did stick around when Austin was born. Did you just not want a girl? Was that the problem, dad? Was I already not good enough for you in my first few months of life that you just completely gave up on me? What could I possibly have done in my first year that justified you up and leaving and never once looking back?
I’ve been told that up until when you died you carried a picture of me in your wallet. Was that just to show off? Make you look like you were a loving dad with a damn adorable daughter who you loved oh-so-much? Or was I hidden behind all your credit cards and other pictures? Was I just a reminder that hey, I made this kid and abandoned her? Did you ever regret leaving me? Did you ever think twice?
Say you did regret it later in the years. You died when I was six. So that gave you FIVE YEARS to come back. Give or take, 1,825 days went by that you didn’t call or write. Never once did I get a birthday card. Never once did I get a Christmas card. Every year, each holiday passed, and not a word from you. I didn’t think a whole lot of it when I was little, but now I do. You couldn’t be bothered to call? My grandparent’s phone number hasn’t changed in like, thirty years. Don’t tell me you could forget that number. You know that’s where mom and I lived after you abandoned us. You knew where I was. You knew how to get ahold of me. You knew the address to mail me a card. How many times did you go to that house? Shit, you married my mom there. You knew how to be in my life, but you deliberately chose not to.
It wasn’t even just that you were a flake. You not only abandoned me, but you hid from me. Or I guess, from Mom, since I wasn’t sure what child support even meant before age six, but still. Hiding from Mom meant hiding from me too. I honestly probably could have forgiven you for everything else had you not done this. You’ve also forever ruined my relationship with my uncle Jon and aunt Karen. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them endlessly. But I can’t get past the anger I’ve been harboring since childhood over them helping hide you. They knew I existed, they knew mom and I were struggling, they knew what you did, and they pretended they had no idea what you were up to. They out right lied to my mom for you. And try as I might, I can’t forgive them for that. That’s NOT saying I don’t love them. Because ever since you died, they’ve been wonderful to me. Everyone has. Except you.
You did give me amazing grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins though, and a pretty cool brother. By grandparents, I mean Lucky and Norm. Not Don. Sure, he’s your biological dad. But he isn’t shit to me. When I was little, he said “I have Austin now, and a grandson is all I ever wanted.” And then straight up disowned me. In 2010, he tried to add me on Facebook. When I called him on his shit, he tried to slander my mom; as if I was going to believe some random old man over my life long best friend. So, I went off on him. I later learned that he was trying to make amends because he was dying. I completely belittled a dying man who is by all technical terms, my ‘grandpa’ and you know what? I don’t feel an ounce of shame, two years later. In fact, I’m proud of myself.
I wonder though, would you have tried fixing things if you knew you were going to die? Probably. Like father like son, right?
Grandma Lucky and Grandpa Norm have been great my whole life. They’ve been there through everything, and I love them to no ends. Kirk, Cindy, Jon, Karen, Austin and every single cousin I’ve met are all pretty amazing too. They’ve all more than made up for you ditching me. Basically what I’m saying is, I love the family you gave me. But in no way does that mean I love you, so please don’t take it that way.
You know, Dad, I do owe you a thank you. Thanks for boning my mom and making me. I’m pretty stoked to be alive. That’s kind of an awkward thing to be the only thing I have to thank my dad for, but hey, I appreciate you doing that. You two did good work, I turned out pretty cute. When it comes to Mom, you couldn’t have left me in the hands of a better person. I don’t care what anyone says, I have the best mom in the world. I honestly think that you leaving was a good thing. This meant mom and I would have more time together. We’d face all the challenges of life arm in arm. There wasn’t a husband/dad in the picture to focus on, so we got a lot more bonding time. I think that’s helped us become so close. So thanks for that too. So, I think I just forgave you. Not for everything. I forgive you for leaving. I don’t forgive you for the 1,825+ days between your leaving and your death.
I honestly won’t ever forgive you for those days. You weren’t there for my first steps. You weren’t there for my first words. You weren’t there when I learned how to tie my shoes by myself. You weren’t there when I started preschool. You weren’t there for any birthdays, any Christmases, any Halloweens. You didn’t hide Easter eggs with Mom. You never dropped me off or picked me up from school. You never celebrated A’s on report cards with me. I never made you finger paintings. You always made Father’s Day crafts REALLY awkward for me; I was always the only girl in school making them for my grandpa. You never yelled at me to pick up my toys. You never tripped over my Barbies; never hurt your foot on a random Barbie shoe lodged in the carpet. I always left you out of family drawings. When I got in trouble, you never were there to dish out punishments. You never nagged at me to get ready for bed. You never turned a blind eye when I would (badly) pretend I was asleep so I could watch X-Files late at night with you. You never comforted me after a nightmare. You never endured hours on end of ridiculous children’s shows because it made me happy. You never tucked me in at night. But Mom did. Mom did all of this. Day in and day out, no matter how much she was hurting, Mom was there for me. But you never were, and you had plenty of opportunity to. And THAT is what I will never forgive you for.
I see your ghost from time to time. In fact, I saw you a little bit ago. I know ghosts hang around until their unfinished business is well, finished. Consider us finished, Dad. You didn’t care when you had the chance, and now it’s MY turn to not care. I sincerely hope this frees you from whatever is holding you to this world. But if it doesn’t, well. That sucks. But I still don’t care. Show yourself to Mom, not me. She’s the one who loved you, not me. But I don’t think she forgives you either. And after everything you did to us, I sincerely hope you don’t expect us to.
Good luck getting where you’re going. Goodbye, Dad.
Day 10; Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like to.
Dear Kelsey,
I miss being friends. It's been like a month now, and I miss you. But I'm never going to swallow my pride and admit that, because I'm an asshole. So I'll just indirectly hope you miss me and still read my blog.
I miss being friends. It's been like a month now, and I miss you. But I'm never going to swallow my pride and admit that, because I'm an asshole. So I'll just indirectly hope you miss me and still read my blog.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Days 8 & 9
Favorite internet friend and someone I wanna meet. I slacked, and these both apply to Nell, SOOOOO these are both going to her.
Dear Nell.
You're practically my sister and you have been for like three years. But I've never met you in person! WTF IS THIS SHIT?! Nonsense.
But you're one of my favorite people to talk to. You understand my relationship problems, and you hate all the same people for all the same reasons. Plus we have the best inside jokes.
Move to Minnesota with me.
I love you sisterrrr. :D
Dear Nell.
You're practically my sister and you have been for like three years. But I've never met you in person! WTF IS THIS SHIT?! Nonsense.
But you're one of my favorite people to talk to. You understand my relationship problems, and you hate all the same people for all the same reasons. Plus we have the best inside jokes.
Move to Minnesota with me.
I love you sisterrrr. :D
Monday, May 7, 2012
Dear Exboyfriend/love.
7.27.09. The day you stole my heart. The day I decided I wanted to marry you. The day I fell in love.
I had a crush on you all throughout my first two years of high school. We never talked, and I was about to move. So at the end of sophomore year, I tried putting you to the back of my mind. You and my cousin were both graduating at the summer school graduation. I went for her, and when I saw you walk across the stage, I learned your name for the first time. I was really proud of you, and I smacked Rachel's arm and told her, "that's the boy I've been drooling over all year!" she told me I needed to "hurry up, marry you, and make beautiful children". I pointed out that I should probably know you first. She denied that being necessary.
A few days later was my going away party. I spent most of it in tears, that was the day my best friend of the time decided to drop the bomb that we couldn't ever talk again. Ethan texted me, asked how I was doing. I told him the truth, and he said "im gonna have my friend text you. He's hilarious and he will cheer you up." you texted me and we talked for two days before it clicked who you were. I about died when I put two and two together.
The next day my stepdad brought home the U-Haul. You said you'd help pack it if we could hang out just the once before I left and my parents agreed. We spent the whole morning laughing and when you kissed me, I melted. the rest of the day we spent hiding from my family, stealing kisses and avoiding the inevitable. We spent about 3 minutes fighting over the blue chair in the garage, and when you were like "oh shut up, we can both have it" and pulled me onto your lap, I melted even more. From then on there was no hiding the kisses. The chemistry between us was very obvious, and I later learned that not for a minute did we fool my parents that we were "just friends". The next three days were just like that. I spent every possible minute glued to you. I couldn't get enough. I was so happy, even though I knew it had to end.
Then finally, on the last day, you asked me to be your girlfriend. You promised me we'd make it work. You were gonna move there in December when you turned 18, and everything was going to be okay. I said yes, and then we kissed for an hour. (: that was the happiest moment of my life. Actually it's tied with when you first kissed me.. But still.
And then I moved across the fucking country. I don't remember much about the last night of the drive, but I remember having a panic attack and my mom had to talk you out of driving the 1300 miles, and it was just a panic attack. Sure, that's all it was. But I still wanted you to come... By then I'd been without you for three days and I was over it.
Everything was perfect for about a month and a half. I wore your hoodie everywhere. And when I wasn't wearing your hoodie, I was wearing your shirt. When you gave me your moms necklace, I vowed that one day I would marry you and we would honeymoon in Italy so you could see her again. Then the fighting started. The jealousy turned us into monsters. When we broke up, I cried for days.
After that, we were off and on for the rest of the year. When you would date other girls and say I was like your "little sister", it broke my heart. I dated other guys and called you my "big brother" to get you back, but it never seemed to have quite the same effect. Which broke my heart even harder.
About a month before I was to move back, I learned you had moved to Arizona. I was hoping we would get back together when I got back, but suddenly you were gone. And then, about two months into my being back, you moved back. We got back together and things were perfect.
Well maybe not perfect. We fought a lot over stupid things. But I never stopped loving you. About a month or so later, we broke up. I didn't think it was going to be the final one, but it was. You moved to Idaho for a job, and that was that.
When we broke up, I fell apart. The last year and a half has really sucked without you. I miss everything about you. I miss playing with your hair and stealing your hat and trying and failing at keep away. I miss your smile. I miss you laughing at me. I miss you pretending you were going for a kiss and licking the entire side of my face. I miss when you'd give me a hundred fast kisses in a minute instead of one long one. I miss making ugly cakes with you. I miss falling asleep on you while watching tv. I miss you force feeding me pudding even though you know I hate it. I miss you hating on my cheese consumption. I miss sitting in taco bell making up silly stories about the paintings. I miss everything that used to make me smile, and everything that used to frustrate me about you. I miss you so much.
I know you're back in my life right now, but you're only my friend. I'm still in love with you. I've tried dating other people. I've tried getting over you. But I can't do it. My heart still belongs to you, despite the countless times I've tried to get it back. I still have a playlist of our songs. Forever love. Here by me. Far away. . . You get the picture.
I would give anything to have you back. As my boyfriend. My soul mate. The love of my life. The man im going to marry. I want to hold your hand in the grave. I would even let you name our son Dino.
But I would have to call him dinosaur. House rule. (;
Christopher James Portelli, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you.
I had a crush on you all throughout my first two years of high school. We never talked, and I was about to move. So at the end of sophomore year, I tried putting you to the back of my mind. You and my cousin were both graduating at the summer school graduation. I went for her, and when I saw you walk across the stage, I learned your name for the first time. I was really proud of you, and I smacked Rachel's arm and told her, "that's the boy I've been drooling over all year!" she told me I needed to "hurry up, marry you, and make beautiful children". I pointed out that I should probably know you first. She denied that being necessary.
A few days later was my going away party. I spent most of it in tears, that was the day my best friend of the time decided to drop the bomb that we couldn't ever talk again. Ethan texted me, asked how I was doing. I told him the truth, and he said "im gonna have my friend text you. He's hilarious and he will cheer you up." you texted me and we talked for two days before it clicked who you were. I about died when I put two and two together.
The next day my stepdad brought home the U-Haul. You said you'd help pack it if we could hang out just the once before I left and my parents agreed. We spent the whole morning laughing and when you kissed me, I melted. the rest of the day we spent hiding from my family, stealing kisses and avoiding the inevitable. We spent about 3 minutes fighting over the blue chair in the garage, and when you were like "oh shut up, we can both have it" and pulled me onto your lap, I melted even more. From then on there was no hiding the kisses. The chemistry between us was very obvious, and I later learned that not for a minute did we fool my parents that we were "just friends". The next three days were just like that. I spent every possible minute glued to you. I couldn't get enough. I was so happy, even though I knew it had to end.
Then finally, on the last day, you asked me to be your girlfriend. You promised me we'd make it work. You were gonna move there in December when you turned 18, and everything was going to be okay. I said yes, and then we kissed for an hour. (: that was the happiest moment of my life. Actually it's tied with when you first kissed me.. But still.
And then I moved across the fucking country. I don't remember much about the last night of the drive, but I remember having a panic attack and my mom had to talk you out of driving the 1300 miles, and it was just a panic attack. Sure, that's all it was. But I still wanted you to come... By then I'd been without you for three days and I was over it.
Everything was perfect for about a month and a half. I wore your hoodie everywhere. And when I wasn't wearing your hoodie, I was wearing your shirt. When you gave me your moms necklace, I vowed that one day I would marry you and we would honeymoon in Italy so you could see her again. Then the fighting started. The jealousy turned us into monsters. When we broke up, I cried for days.
After that, we were off and on for the rest of the year. When you would date other girls and say I was like your "little sister", it broke my heart. I dated other guys and called you my "big brother" to get you back, but it never seemed to have quite the same effect. Which broke my heart even harder.
About a month before I was to move back, I learned you had moved to Arizona. I was hoping we would get back together when I got back, but suddenly you were gone. And then, about two months into my being back, you moved back. We got back together and things were perfect.
Well maybe not perfect. We fought a lot over stupid things. But I never stopped loving you. About a month or so later, we broke up. I didn't think it was going to be the final one, but it was. You moved to Idaho for a job, and that was that.
When we broke up, I fell apart. The last year and a half has really sucked without you. I miss everything about you. I miss playing with your hair and stealing your hat and trying and failing at keep away. I miss your smile. I miss you laughing at me. I miss you pretending you were going for a kiss and licking the entire side of my face. I miss when you'd give me a hundred fast kisses in a minute instead of one long one. I miss making ugly cakes with you. I miss falling asleep on you while watching tv. I miss you force feeding me pudding even though you know I hate it. I miss you hating on my cheese consumption. I miss sitting in taco bell making up silly stories about the paintings. I miss everything that used to make me smile, and everything that used to frustrate me about you. I miss you so much.
I know you're back in my life right now, but you're only my friend. I'm still in love with you. I've tried dating other people. I've tried getting over you. But I can't do it. My heart still belongs to you, despite the countless times I've tried to get it back. I still have a playlist of our songs. Forever love. Here by me. Far away. . . You get the picture.
I would give anything to have you back. As my boyfriend. My soul mate. The love of my life. The man im going to marry. I want to hold your hand in the grave. I would even let you name our son Dino.
But I would have to call him dinosaur. House rule. (;
Christopher James Portelli, I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Days 5 & 6
Dear dreams:
How the hell do you write a letter to a dream? O____o
Dear stranger:
Let's be friends.
THESE TWO DAYS ARE STUPID.
How the hell do you write a letter to a dream? O____o
Dear stranger:
Let's be friends.
THESE TWO DAYS ARE STUPID.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Dear sibling,
Well, Austin. I can't really write you a long letter like I have everyone else. I don't really know you, and this is a shame considering we share DNA. I really should know you better, but I don't. . .so I don't know what to say. But from what I do know, you're a cool kidd. Stay awesome. Not that you have a choice, it's in our blood. ;)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Dear Mommie,
Mamz, you're my best friend. Ever since before I was born you have been. You ate broccoli for me. That's big. <3
But in all seriousness, I love the relationship we have. There really isn't a thing I don't tell you, despite how you think I hide things from you sometimes. But I honestly cannot think of a thing that I haven't told you. I don't have to hide who I am or what I believe. Even if you disagree, you support me. Just about all my friends have to be two different people; who they are with their friends and who they are around their parents. I don't have to do that. And I really think that's helped us stay best friends for my whole life. You're not only my mom, but my friend. You've figured out how to be the perfect mix.
But in all seriousness, I love the relationship we have. There really isn't a thing I don't tell you, despite how you think I hide things from you sometimes. But I honestly cannot think of a thing that I haven't told you. I don't have to hide who I am or what I believe. Even if you disagree, you support me. Just about all my friends have to be two different people; who they are with their friends and who they are around their parents. I don't have to do that. And I really think that's helped us stay best friends for my whole life. You're not only my mom, but my friend. You've figured out how to be the perfect mix.
You're the strongest person I've ever met. All the things life has thrown at you, you've overcome. No matter how hard the journey has been, you've made it. It hasn't always been easy, but you did it. I admire that, a lot. I've gotten to see the strong side and the weak side of you the most in the last two years. I know how much it sucked in the beginning, but look how far you've come. I know how hard it was to believe me in the beginning when I said we'd be better off without them. But I was right, wasn't I? We are so much better off. We can eat waffles for dinner, say what we want, not get up first thing in the morning, and most importantly not walk on eggshells. We don't get verbally and emotionally beaten down on a nightly basis and you know what? We have fun. You and I have grown a lot closer in the last two years. I know, I miss them sometimes too. But we are a lot better off. And it makes me really happy that you're finally seeing this.
I honestly couldn't have asked for a better mom growing up. I know all these parenting magazines will say that kids need both parents and never to send them to daycare or else they won't turn out alright. For almost all our lives, it's been just you and I, and I went to daycare. I think I turned out just fine. I didn't need a dad, my mom was everything to me. Sure, I went to daycare. But that's where I made most of my friends. Had you never sent me to daycare, I wouldn't have met Levi. We may not have had it all, but we had enough. I was happy. I still am happy. I was an only child raised by a single mom, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
Thank you, for being the best mom I could have ever asked for and for being my best friend. I love you, mominator.
"All of your life you have spent
Burying hurt and regret
But mama, he'll never touch us again
For everytime he tried to break you down
Just remember who's still around
It's over, and we're stronger
And we'll never have to go back again
Oh mother, we're stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don't look back (oh mother don't look back again)
Cause he'll never hurt us again (cause he'll never hurt us
again)
So mother, I thank you (and I thank you for everything
you've done)
For all that you've done and still do (together we always
move on)
You got me, I got you, (you got me, I got you)
Together we always pull through (always pull through)
We always pull through"
-Christina Aguilera 'Oh Mother'
Dear Crush,
Two days later I'm coming back and editing this. There isn't going to be a letter for day 2. Deal with it.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Dear Best Friend,
Dear Bestfriend,
Rachel Elizabeth Clinefelter. When I met you, I never would have guessed you'd become so important to me. But now, three years later, I can't even imagine going a day without you by my side. I wonder if Ratatouille ever stopped to think about what an awesome thing he did?
I met you in the summer of 2009. When Melissa and I got to your house, I thought you would be someone I met once, became MySpace friends with and then never talked to again. That is, if your dog didn't eat me whole. But within the first twenty minutes, I realized your Cooper wasn't going to eat me, and you and I were going to become great friends. Also life savers of the mouse community.
I hated that I met you two weeks before I moved. It gave us limited time to hang out, and that sucked. But saving a mouses life, going to Melissa's graduation, dressing like hookers at Robertitos, riding a purple dinosaur, meeting the scariest man on the planet, getting kicked in the head by pinatas and wearing our highest heels to Killer made my last few days in California amazing.
After I moved, we talked like every second of every day. You helped me through all the things that happened to me there. Anytime my stepdad lost it, you listened. You were there for me through every difficult thing I had thrown my way. When good things happened, you were always the first person I told. Whenever my stepdad would fly off the handle towards the end, you kept me sane with all of our ridiculous escape plans. "Having a brother with a pilots license is great, we can just kidnap him and make him fly us to another country." That was the plan. Nevermind the actually getting ahold of a plane. We'd deal with that later.
Cue our first actual fight. What the fuck was wrong with us? I was moving back in two weeks, and suddenly I wasn't friends with the person I had spent the last year so excited to see first. The rest of 2010 was a lot of ups and downs for us, and I didn't think we would make it through. There was such a huge gap between us, even when things were fine, it was obvious we were both hesitant to let our walls down again. I hated that so much. Then I started hanging out with a crappy group of people, got into drugs and wedged an even bigger wedge between us. But in the end, I think that's also what saved us.
The night I was overdosing, you were the only person I reached out to that honestly helped me. Everyone else gave me either "You're overreacting" or "Just calm down, you're fine." And of course, my favorite, "No, you're fine. I'm on probation. You just have to puke or we'll get in trouble and I'll go to jail." Instead, you bought me bread, a toothbrush and toothpaste. I honestly don't think you realized how important to me that was and still is. I honestly don't think I'd still be here today if it weren't for you.
You tried to hide it, but I could tell that I was disappointing you. We may not have been as close as we were before then, but you were still one of the most important people to me. I knew I was hurting you and letting you down, and after that night, I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed help, and you gave it to me. You may not realize it, but you gave me a second chance.
The battle of getting sober honestly would have been impossible without you by my side. You've been the one person I can talk to about the night terrors, the shit I see, the depression I had for months, every time I've thought about relapsing, everything. It hasn't been an easy road on either of us, but you've stuck by my side. You've made it easier on me. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you.
The last year and three months, we've grown closer than ever before. You and I are basically this strange mix of polar opposites and the same friggen person. We're an odd pair, but I love every minute of it. We've come so far in the last three years. We may not have known each other since we were two, but we really did grow up together. Together we've survived everything life throws at us. We're indestructible. No one truly understands the way I work better than you do. I'm stubborn as fuck and I generally don't listen to advice from other people, but I listen to you.
Thank you for having a dying mouse in your pool. Thank you for every ridiculous plan we've formulated together. Thank you for listening to me when shit gets tough. Thank you for letting me tell you how I honestly think about everything without judging me. Thank you for every smile. Everytime we've laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Every inside joke. Every silly thing we've done. Thank you for the three and a half cookies. Thank you for sticking by my side when everyone else walked out on me. Thank you for everything. You're the best. I love you. <3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
30 day letters
I'm doing the 30 day letter challenge. :)
- 1 - Your Best Friend
- 2 - Your Crush
- 3 - Your parents
- 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
- 5 - Your dreams
- 6 - A stranger
- 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
- 8 - Your favourite internet friend
- 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
- 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
- 11 - A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
- 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
- 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
- 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
- 15 - The person you miss the most
- 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
- 17 - Someone from your childhood
- 18 - The person that you wish you could be
- 19 - Someone that pesters your mind-good or bad
- 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
- 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
- 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
- 23 - The last person you kissed
- 24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory
- 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
- 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
- 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one
- 28 - Someone that changed your life
- 29 - The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
- 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
SHT.
You ever have a huge fight with someone, think you're doing just fine, then see their name on Facebook and realize you're really not alright without them. And that makes you sad, and they aren't there to tell them you're sad? Yeah. It sucks. But that's growing up, I guess. 'Cause I know I'm the only one who misses what used to be.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Depression.
Most people don't know this, but I suffer from depression. Most of the time I can think myself out of it. Most of the time, I'm okay during the day. It really only hits me at night now. Which is a HUGE improvement compared to how I used to be.
Depression isn't a state of mind, and it IS NOT something I have done to myself. Do you honestly think that I want to be depressed? NO! I fucking hate it! I try and push it away as much as I can, but since I'm not medicated (I'll explain why in a bit.) I can't really control it. I can only avoid it. And even then, I can only push it away for so long before it catches up with me. When it catches up with me, I'm either out of sorts for a night, or even a full week. This time, I'm closer to a whole week.
I've been told that depression is just a state of mind, I've been told that it's just a mood, I even just got told that I do it to myself. You guys, seriously? It's a disease. It is a mental illness. Will you please look it the fuck up before you try and tell me shit you don't know about? State of minds don't last 8 years. Neither do bad moods. I don't want to have a mental illness, let alone multiple. But I do, and there's nothing I can do to change that short of medication.
I refuse to take medication. Anti-depressants are counter productive and make you MORE depressed. There have been studies that show that they actually make you suicidal. Considering that's what I want to be far away from, that doesn't seem like the best idea. Not to mention, I can't swallow pills.
For some reason, I have it in my head that medication is for crazy people. And if I succumb to the meds, I'll be admiting that I'm crazy. And I don't think I am. I have problems, sure. But I'm OKAY most of the time. I know how to handle myself. But when bad things happen in my life, they all happen at once.
Nightmares. That's what triggered it this time. I had nightmares about my stepdad and stepbrothers. They weren't nightmares in the typical sense, no one got murdered and I wasn't scared. But when I dream about them, I wake up crying. It doesn't matter what happens in the dream, if they're in it, that's all it takes. In fact, the happier the dream, the worse off I am when I wake up. Especially if it involves my former older brother, Trevor. I had this one dream with him last week, and he was here. We were sitting on the hood of my car at that cliff in De Luz that overlooks Temecula. It was just a really, really, really happy dream. We talked about everything, and laughed all the time. Just like how we used to be. When I woke up, I remembered he was gone, and we were never going to have memories like that again. After I cried myself back to sleep, I dreamed about my stepdad. When I woke up, my room smelled like him. I didn't sleep the rest of the night after that. The next night, I had a dream that Trevor and I were in the Hunger Games arena. And he didn't even flinch as he was pulling the trigger on his gun. I watched the bullet flying towards me and the smile on his face was the last thing I saw before I woke up. I didn't sleep after that either.
I've been having nightmares this whole week. A lot involve them, but quite a few other people have been featured as well. The other night, I had a dream about Kenzie. In real life, she's been back home for three weeks. Only one person has gone to see her since. So, in my dream, I was with her and Kayla and we were walking through this really crowded place. Kenzie kept trying to say hi to people, and she was being ignored. Kenz was how she was before the accident, but no one remembered her or even recognized her. No one acknowledged her. But everyone in my dream was wearing the green 'Pray For Kenzie' bracelets. So it wasn't like she never existed, but they forgot she existed. This went on for quite a while, and then she finally started crying and was saying how upset she was that everyone forgot her. She was telling me how lonely her life is now, and how much it hurts to have everyone forget you. By the end of my dream, she was transforming back to how she currently is now, but before she did, she said "No one remembers me anyway, why keep trying?" I haven't woke up screaming or crying so hard in a really long time. People are moving on with their lives. Time is continuing. Each day that passes, we get farther and farther away from the time the accident happened. It's so close to a year, that I can't believe it. I think this dream hit so hard because it isn't just a nightmare. People really ARE forgetting her. . .
Adding on top of these nightmares, I've had a migraine, Kelsey and I aren't friends anymore, and people are just proving to be really flaky and unreliable.
It's really shitty, because when I'm happy, I have all kinds of people who talk to me. But when I truly need help just getting through the night, I'm alone. Completely alone.
Depression isn't a state of mind, and it IS NOT something I have done to myself. Do you honestly think that I want to be depressed? NO! I fucking hate it! I try and push it away as much as I can, but since I'm not medicated (I'll explain why in a bit.) I can't really control it. I can only avoid it. And even then, I can only push it away for so long before it catches up with me. When it catches up with me, I'm either out of sorts for a night, or even a full week. This time, I'm closer to a whole week.
I've been told that depression is just a state of mind, I've been told that it's just a mood, I even just got told that I do it to myself. You guys, seriously? It's a disease. It is a mental illness. Will you please look it the fuck up before you try and tell me shit you don't know about? State of minds don't last 8 years. Neither do bad moods. I don't want to have a mental illness, let alone multiple. But I do, and there's nothing I can do to change that short of medication.
I refuse to take medication. Anti-depressants are counter productive and make you MORE depressed. There have been studies that show that they actually make you suicidal. Considering that's what I want to be far away from, that doesn't seem like the best idea. Not to mention, I can't swallow pills.
For some reason, I have it in my head that medication is for crazy people. And if I succumb to the meds, I'll be admiting that I'm crazy. And I don't think I am. I have problems, sure. But I'm OKAY most of the time. I know how to handle myself. But when bad things happen in my life, they all happen at once.
Nightmares. That's what triggered it this time. I had nightmares about my stepdad and stepbrothers. They weren't nightmares in the typical sense, no one got murdered and I wasn't scared. But when I dream about them, I wake up crying. It doesn't matter what happens in the dream, if they're in it, that's all it takes. In fact, the happier the dream, the worse off I am when I wake up. Especially if it involves my former older brother, Trevor. I had this one dream with him last week, and he was here. We were sitting on the hood of my car at that cliff in De Luz that overlooks Temecula. It was just a really, really, really happy dream. We talked about everything, and laughed all the time. Just like how we used to be. When I woke up, I remembered he was gone, and we were never going to have memories like that again. After I cried myself back to sleep, I dreamed about my stepdad. When I woke up, my room smelled like him. I didn't sleep the rest of the night after that. The next night, I had a dream that Trevor and I were in the Hunger Games arena. And he didn't even flinch as he was pulling the trigger on his gun. I watched the bullet flying towards me and the smile on his face was the last thing I saw before I woke up. I didn't sleep after that either.
I've been having nightmares this whole week. A lot involve them, but quite a few other people have been featured as well. The other night, I had a dream about Kenzie. In real life, she's been back home for three weeks. Only one person has gone to see her since. So, in my dream, I was with her and Kayla and we were walking through this really crowded place. Kenzie kept trying to say hi to people, and she was being ignored. Kenz was how she was before the accident, but no one remembered her or even recognized her. No one acknowledged her. But everyone in my dream was wearing the green 'Pray For Kenzie' bracelets. So it wasn't like she never existed, but they forgot she existed. This went on for quite a while, and then she finally started crying and was saying how upset she was that everyone forgot her. She was telling me how lonely her life is now, and how much it hurts to have everyone forget you. By the end of my dream, she was transforming back to how she currently is now, but before she did, she said "No one remembers me anyway, why keep trying?" I haven't woke up screaming or crying so hard in a really long time. People are moving on with their lives. Time is continuing. Each day that passes, we get farther and farther away from the time the accident happened. It's so close to a year, that I can't believe it. I think this dream hit so hard because it isn't just a nightmare. People really ARE forgetting her. . .
Adding on top of these nightmares, I've had a migraine, Kelsey and I aren't friends anymore, and people are just proving to be really flaky and unreliable.
It's really shitty, because when I'm happy, I have all kinds of people who talk to me. But when I truly need help just getting through the night, I'm alone. Completely alone.
Friday, April 13, 2012
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
It's 1998. Levi and I are in the first grade. I don't know him yet, but I see him all the time on the playground. I decide I'm going to know this kid by the time the days over.
Hes playing with his hot wheel cars in the sand at the bottom of the slide, and I'm at the top on the landing of the playground with my barbies. I throw one down the slide, in an effort to get his attention. I don't hit him, but i do get his attention. Of course he's angry, I just chucked a Barbie at him. So he throws his toy car right back at my face. Hits me square in the mouth, causing one tooth to fall out and quite a bit of blood to pour out of of my gums As the blood is dripping down my face, we formed an unbreakable bond.
From that moment on, we have been inseparable. The last fourteen years, this kids been my other half. Throwing a toy at a random kid is the best choice I have ever made. I would be nothing without him.
Every minute I have spent happy, he's been by my side. Every minute spent angry, sad, confused, hurt, you name it, Levi Jeffrey Estrada has been there. He's been the one dependable thing in my life, no matter what is going on. He's supported me through the best and worst times. I wouldn't be here today without him.
I struggled with depression a lot in my younger years. In November of 2006, for irrelevant reasons, I attempted suicide. I stole a bunch of pills and I swallowed them. (this is why I can't swallow pills now, btw.) about a minute later, my phone rings. Levi had no idea I was doing this. No one did. But he called me to see how I was doing. At the sound of his voice, I started crying. I told him I loved him five thousand times, at least. I know he thought I was a weirdo, but like I said, he had no idea what was going on. I told him I'd call him back soon. I hung up the phone and vomited until I was sure the pills were out of my system. I vomited until nothing was coming up. And then I called him back and told him how grateful I was for him. I never told him what happened that day until 4 years later, in 2010. And even then we didn't get into it. Still to this day, he doesn't know the full story.
Had Levi not called me, I wouldn't have remembered that I did have reason to live. I did have reason to fight. I did have someone who loved me, despite the monster I thought I was. I owe every breath I have taken since that day to him. This is the main reason why I won't tolerate anyone in my life who doesn't get along with him. We are a package deal. You can't love me and not love Levi. Without Levi, there would not be a me to love. As it stands right now, I would have been dead for five and a half years. If you didn't know me before the first half of eighth grade, you would NEVER have known I existed, had it not been for this boy.
Levi is everything to me. Since the very first day on the playground. Before the blood on my face was dry, I knew we wouldn't spend a moment apart. I dont mean physically apart. Obviously with him living two hours away that isn't possible. But emotionally.
Everywhere I go, I carry Levi in my heart. I truly believe Levi is my soul mate. Now, before people start thinking this is some confession of in loveness, I'd like to point out that I don't mean that in the typical sense. I dont believe soul mates have to have a romantic level to them. Clearly, Levi and I don't. We go boy hunting together.
But I believe Levi's my soul mate. My soul and his are intertwined. You can't have just me without aspects of him. You can't have just him without aspects of me. Honestly, I don't even know which personality traits started as my own or I inherited from him and vice versa. Without him, I would truly be broken. My soul would be ripped into pieces. I do not know how to live without him. Nor do I want to learn.
Our friendship isn't a pushy one. It isn't one sided. It isn't stressful. It isn't one where either of us have to hide who we truly are. Not that we could since we're basically the same person, yknow. But still. It isn't one where we lie to save the others feelings. It isn't one where we even sugar coat. It isn't a friendship that we have to force. We don't preach at each other. We don't lecture. We don't try to change each others ways. If something makes one of us happy, the other supports us. We'll defend each other, right or wrong, to the very end. We're in this together, forever. Levi is my bestfriend, my partner in SOOO many crimes, my personal comedian, the one person who knows me like I know me, my reason to smile when things get tough, the person who listens, TRULY listens and remembers, my very best friend, my rock, my hero, my soul mate, my other half.
And that my friends, is how all friendships should be.
I love you Levi. 1998-forever.
Hes playing with his hot wheel cars in the sand at the bottom of the slide, and I'm at the top on the landing of the playground with my barbies. I throw one down the slide, in an effort to get his attention. I don't hit him, but i do get his attention. Of course he's angry, I just chucked a Barbie at him. So he throws his toy car right back at my face. Hits me square in the mouth, causing one tooth to fall out and quite a bit of blood to pour out of of my gums As the blood is dripping down my face, we formed an unbreakable bond.
From that moment on, we have been inseparable. The last fourteen years, this kids been my other half. Throwing a toy at a random kid is the best choice I have ever made. I would be nothing without him.
Every minute I have spent happy, he's been by my side. Every minute spent angry, sad, confused, hurt, you name it, Levi Jeffrey Estrada has been there. He's been the one dependable thing in my life, no matter what is going on. He's supported me through the best and worst times. I wouldn't be here today without him.
I struggled with depression a lot in my younger years. In November of 2006, for irrelevant reasons, I attempted suicide. I stole a bunch of pills and I swallowed them. (this is why I can't swallow pills now, btw.) about a minute later, my phone rings. Levi had no idea I was doing this. No one did. But he called me to see how I was doing. At the sound of his voice, I started crying. I told him I loved him five thousand times, at least. I know he thought I was a weirdo, but like I said, he had no idea what was going on. I told him I'd call him back soon. I hung up the phone and vomited until I was sure the pills were out of my system. I vomited until nothing was coming up. And then I called him back and told him how grateful I was for him. I never told him what happened that day until 4 years later, in 2010. And even then we didn't get into it. Still to this day, he doesn't know the full story.
Had Levi not called me, I wouldn't have remembered that I did have reason to live. I did have reason to fight. I did have someone who loved me, despite the monster I thought I was. I owe every breath I have taken since that day to him. This is the main reason why I won't tolerate anyone in my life who doesn't get along with him. We are a package deal. You can't love me and not love Levi. Without Levi, there would not be a me to love. As it stands right now, I would have been dead for five and a half years. If you didn't know me before the first half of eighth grade, you would NEVER have known I existed, had it not been for this boy.
Levi is everything to me. Since the very first day on the playground. Before the blood on my face was dry, I knew we wouldn't spend a moment apart. I dont mean physically apart. Obviously with him living two hours away that isn't possible. But emotionally.
Everywhere I go, I carry Levi in my heart. I truly believe Levi is my soul mate. Now, before people start thinking this is some confession of in loveness, I'd like to point out that I don't mean that in the typical sense. I dont believe soul mates have to have a romantic level to them. Clearly, Levi and I don't. We go boy hunting together.
But I believe Levi's my soul mate. My soul and his are intertwined. You can't have just me without aspects of him. You can't have just him without aspects of me. Honestly, I don't even know which personality traits started as my own or I inherited from him and vice versa. Without him, I would truly be broken. My soul would be ripped into pieces. I do not know how to live without him. Nor do I want to learn.
Our friendship isn't a pushy one. It isn't one sided. It isn't stressful. It isn't one where either of us have to hide who we truly are. Not that we could since we're basically the same person, yknow. But still. It isn't one where we lie to save the others feelings. It isn't one where we even sugar coat. It isn't a friendship that we have to force. We don't preach at each other. We don't lecture. We don't try to change each others ways. If something makes one of us happy, the other supports us. We'll defend each other, right or wrong, to the very end. We're in this together, forever. Levi is my bestfriend, my partner in SOOO many crimes, my personal comedian, the one person who knows me like I know me, my reason to smile when things get tough, the person who listens, TRULY listens and remembers, my very best friend, my rock, my hero, my soul mate, my other half.
And that my friends, is how all friendships should be.
I love you Levi. 1998-forever.
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